Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Avoid getting drawn into a conversation with a stranger today. Not so much because he’s a stranger, but because he’s just way too excited for you to see what’s in the back of his van.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
A mid-week rush of energy will inspire you to make big changes in your life, but once that leftover Halloween candy runs out you’ll be right back to complete apathy.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The good news is that mole you’ve been watching for weeks is not cancerous. The bad news is you seriously need glasses and that mole is a Lyme disease-carrying tick.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Even though wishing doesn’t make it so, just the thought of your boss being eaten alive by rabid raccoons will provide much needed therapeutic relief later this week.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Although your nephew is always awestruck when you find a quarter behind his ear, it will become painfully obvious that Officer Johnson does not share your nephew’s appreciation of magic.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Your world will be rocked this week when a casual family dinner conversation reveals the shocking truth that pickles are in fact just small fermented cucumbers.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
You will be tempted to follow the crowd this week, but try to remember that one person is not a crowd and the restraining order against you is still in effect.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
Your lucky numbers this week are 8 6 7 5 3 0 9. Actually, the stars just think it’s super funny that you’re going to have that damn Tommy Tutone song stuck in your head all day.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Challenging yourself could reap big rewards this week. However, trying to say “Jurassic!” 20 times a day isn’t exactly the type of challenge that pays noticeable dividends.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
One of your prayers will be answered this week. Unfortunately, God is way behind on answering prayers, so you may want to make room for that pony.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Experimenting with yet another questionable internet facial treatment will not only leave you with egg on your face, but Salmonella in your eye as well.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
Your nurturing side will be inclined to comfort those around you this week, but your psychotic side has drastically different plans for them.

Past horoscopes

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
You may want to record all conversations with your partner this week, because there’s no way your friends are going to believe the epic tsunami of profanity that is about to flow out of you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Although your fear of needles will nearly derail your flu shot, your I’m-getting-ready-to-bolt-from-this-germy-clinic-chair OCD routine will keep you paralyzed just long enough to get ‘er done.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
If you see a penny, pick it up, and all day long you’ll have good luck. Assuming you can outrun that panhandler, who isn’t really blind after all.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Be wary when a coworker asks you for help this week. If he’s smart enough to mastermind a company-wide conspiracy to get you fired, he’s smart enough to fake a heart attack to accomplish his goals.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Shifting patterns in the outer planetary orbits will do absolutely nothing to save you from your complete lack of common sense this weekend.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
The stars are warning that you only have 2 more chances to say “I guess we’re not in Kansas anymore” before a certain Subway Sandwich Artist beats the crap out of you in the parking lot.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Advice from a friend may seem confusing this week, but it’s only because that person isn’t really your friend, and “Learn to drive, moron!” isn’t really advice.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
It would be in your best interest to pause a moment after the neighbor kid asks “Why are you so fat?” It could mean the difference between community service and life in prison.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Remember that every journey starts with a single step. Also remember that hot coals are really, really hot.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The onset of cool autumn weather leads you to rekindle an old flame this week, which brings comfort during a bleak time. Come on cheapass, just light your furnace already.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
When driving at night, if you have the thought, “Hmmm, so that’s what an actual deer in the headlights looks like”, stop thinking and just slam on your brakes.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
With Venus rising in Mars, your intuition will be keen this week when it comes to romance. Bonus tip: You should probably just go ahead and double down on Haagen-Dazs at the grocery store tonight.

Past horoscopes

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Count your blessings today. Then write down that number. It’ll be helpful tomorrow when you can just subtract 1 from your total instead of counting all over again.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Going to bed early tonight will give you the necessary energy to capitalize on an amazing opportunity tomorrow. Oh, and you have bedbugs.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
Although many people find your curious nature endearing, you’ll find out the hard way that your server at Applebee’s was not one of them.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Tuesday would be a good day to invite relatives over for dinner. Because right, like anybody says yes to a Tuesday night dinner invitation.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Your lucky numbers this week are 9 1 1. Well, maybe “lucky” is the wrong word, but you’ll definitely want to remember those numbers.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
The planets are aligned to make this one of your best romantic weeks in months. Also, your mother is a giant asteroid locked in an unstoppable collision course with your planetary alignment.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
With Jupiter coming into view, your desire to travel will strengthen this week, especially after the police serve you with that warrant.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
Organization will be key this week if you ever hope to dig out of the hoarder hole you’re in.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
You’ll want to arrange for a ride home from the bar on Thursday, when you will realize too late that one step forward equals two steps back.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
It would be wise to brush up on your geometry this week, as the love triangle you’re in will evolve into more of a rhombus.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
If you happen to dig up a bag full of bones in your back yard this week, it’s probably time to have that tough conversation with your alter personality.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
Take time this week to truly listen to the caucophony of barking dogs in your neighborhood. By Friday, you will understand more deeply than ever how important alcohol really is.