Horoscopes For The Week Of November 1, 2015

October 31st, 2015 | by Nina Verbena
Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
You may want to record all conversations with your partner this week, because there’s no way your friends are going to believe the epic tsunami of profanity that is about to flow out of you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Although your fear of needles will nearly derail your flu shot, your I’m-getting-ready-to-bolt-from-this-germy-clinic-chair OCD routine will keep you paralyzed just long enough to get ‘er done.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
If you see a penny, pick it up, and all day long you’ll have good luck. Assuming you can outrun that panhandler, who isn’t really blind after all.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Be wary when a coworker asks you for help this week. If he’s smart enough to mastermind a company-wide conspiracy to get you fired, he’s smart enough to fake a heart attack to accomplish his goals.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Shifting patterns in the outer planetary orbits will do absolutely nothing to save you from your complete lack of common sense this weekend.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
The stars are warning that you only have 2 more chances to say “I guess we’re not in Kansas anymore” before a certain Subway Sandwich Artist beats the crap out of you in the parking lot.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Advice from a friend may seem confusing this week, but it’s only because that person isn’t really your friend, and “Learn to drive, moron!” isn’t really advice.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
It would be in your best interest to pause a moment after the neighbor kid asks “Why are you so fat?” It could mean the difference between community service and life in prison.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Remember that every journey starts with a single step. Also remember that hot coals are really, really hot.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The onset of cool autumn weather leads you to rekindle an old flame this week, which brings comfort during a bleak time. Come on cheapass, just light your furnace already.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
When driving at night, if you have the thought, “Hmmm, so that’s what an actual deer in the headlights looks like”, stop thinking and just slam on your brakes.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
With Venus rising in Mars, your intuition will be keen this week when it comes to romance. Bonus tip: You should probably just go ahead and double down on Haagen-Dazs at the grocery store tonight.

Past horoscopes

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I am a lover of animals (the stuffed kind) and enjoy long walks in the clouds. My favorite ride at the fair is the carousel, but only if riding on a red pony. One fun childhood memory: being stranded in the Pacific on a life raft with my dad for 8 days. Good times.