Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
An incriminating secret from your past will bubble to the surface, forcing you to admit that using Alka Seltzer tablets to weigh down that body in the river was definitely your second biggest mistake last weekend.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Communication will be imperative to your survival this week. Specifically, the ability to communicate with wolves, vampires, and the undead.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
A new moon in Aries suggests that, if your Grandpa were here, he’d probably say, “Whadda they need a new moon for? Well, that’s just horseshit manufacturing. Goddamn cut-rate galaxies, they sure don’t make moons like they used to.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
The hiring of a new employee will lighten your workload considerably, especially when he helps you move all your personal possessions out of his new office.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The presence of Venus signifies that affairs of the heart will take center stage this week. Unfortunately, the affairs of your liver, pancreas and gall bladder are poised to steal the spotlight in a rather traumatic way.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
You will encounter an unexpected fork in the road next weekend, but what will be of much greater concern is that Satan is holding it.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
As the sun aligns with Jupiter, your creative side heats up this week, which should make it slightly less painful when your right brain spontaneously combusts on Thursday.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
Your wandering eye will once again lead you on a wild chase this weekend, so it’s probably time to consider buying it one of those retratctable leashes and start teaching it some basic commands.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
While all Saggitarius…er, Saggitariuses, um, Saggitarisuses…Oh good grief. Alexa, what the hell do you call more than one Saggitarius?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
Good old trial and error will lead to the surprising discovery that Pinot Grigio, in your opinion, pairs best with divorce papers.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
The stars hate to burst your bubble, Aquarius, but your dream of becoming filthy rich will be dashed this week when you realize that you’re not really invested in a super cool Fonzie scheme after all.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
As Mercury comes into view, your logical side will take over on Monday. Although, the fact that you’ll have been in detox for 24 hours by then may have more to do with it. The stars can only speculate.