Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Careful planning and attention to detail will be important as you undertake a new challenge, because mastering that “Crushed Glass and Arsenic Brownies” recipe is going to be a little tricky.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
A surprise visit from your half-brother will yield some confusing information later this week, mostly because you’re unaware that your dad has a second family in upstate New York and you have a half-brother named Karl.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The stars are currently unavailable as they are partying like it’s 1999 to celebrate the arrival of their all-time favorite Gemini, Prince Rogers Nelson. Auto Reply: In this life, things are much harder than the afterworld. In this life, you’re on your own.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Things should really start looking up this week. Correction: You should really start looking up this week. In your selfies.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The presence of Mars in your Sun house suggests that brighter days are ahead, which will be followed by even brighter days, then blindingly bright days, and finally, the apocalypse.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Last week, the stars agreed that taking that long-overdue vacation could be just what you need this month, Virgo. However, your idea to book your stay at The Stumble On Inn is making them reconsider their position.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Your lucky numbers this week are 0101010101. Yeah, if you’re Bill Gates! Psych!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
A heart-to-heart talk with a trusted friend could help you see things more clearly, although your extreme paranoia will, once again, completely derail that possibility.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your outgoing personality will help you land a lucrative server position at Red Lobster this week. However, you will find that yelling “You Can’t Handle The Booth!” at customers won’t go over any better there than it did at Applebee’s.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The world is your oyster, Capricorn! Also, that oyster is in the path of a very large oil tanker whose captain is about halfway through a fifth of Jim Beam.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Your lifelong practice of repressing your emotions will prove to be both a blessing and a curse this week, minus the blessing part.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
The stars want to remind you that all things happen for a reason, although to be fair, the reason you’re about to have the most bizarre and disturbing week of your life has more to do with the Universe being just plain bored than anything else.