Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
It will be difficult to verbalize what you’re feeling later this week, especially tied to that chair with duct tape over your mouth.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Against their better judgement, the stars have decided to just sit back, grab some popcorn, and watch your Bedroom Beehive idea claim its rightful place in the annals of natural selection.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The rise of Venus suggests that you will soon cross paths with a forgotten love, so keep your eyes peeled for the familiar sparkle of that Strawberry Hill Boone’s Farm bottle.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
An inexplicable crop circle will leave you with a lot of questions. Fortunately, a Scientology recruiter on a riding mower will have all the answers.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Being a Leo has never seemed particularly advantageous, but when you accidentally stumble into that DiCaprioLand wormhole on Tuesday, the true benefits will be rather amazing.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Sorry, kiddo. You got the gift, but it looks like you’re waiting for something. Hey, what the? Dang it! Somebody call security and tell them the Oracle snuck in here again…
Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
A whimsical mood will overtake you later this week. Oops, instead of “whimsical mood” the stars meant to say “giant cloud of locusts”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
Squirreling away some extra money would be wise this week, although with your facial features, chipmunking it away might come more naturally.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your curious nature will lead to a terrible discovery when you realize too late that zoo officials are seriously done rescuing stupid people from the Polar Bear exhibit.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The stars calculate that, in dog years, your maturity level finally makes mathematical sense.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
On your commute home tonight, take time to appreciate your favorite song, because starting tomorrow you won’t be able to listen to it without reliving the trauma of “the kitten crossing incident”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
The shifting sands of time will trigger a powerful change in your life, specifically when your house gets swallowed up by that sinkhole on Thursday.