Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
An exciting new relationship begins to take shape this week, and even with your diminished lung capacity you should have that doll fully blown up by Thursday at the latest.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
The rise of Saturn will give you the power to tackle an unresolved emotional issue this week. Translation: No one can force you to bite the heads off those yellow marshmallow Peeps this Easter. You’re an adult. Breathe, Taurus, breathe.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
A Pleiadian, an Arcturian and a priest walk into a bar…**session timeout** Um, it seems the stars have hit the moonshine a wee bit early today. The Universe sends its apologies.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
The arrival of Spring will foster a renewed hope for the future, which should last a few blissful days before the present stomps it out again with Godzilla force on Wednesday.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The stars advise that if at first you don’t succeed, try try again. But then you should probably stop trying, because eating two 72 oz. Porterhouses in 30 minutes is already pushing the limits of the human intestinal system.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Your love life will get an interesting jolt this week when you accidentally leave that taser under your pillow.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Your leadership skills will be put to the test next weekend when panic grows within the group. Fortunately, your booming voice and ability to follow arrows will get you all out of IKEA safely.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
As Mars descends, you may begin to feel an ominous presence in your life. Oops, instead of “Mars” the stars meant to say “that rapidly deflating Goodyear blimp above your house”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your lucky numbers this week are Luke 24:2-3. Wait, those are Jesus’ lucky numbers, and this is a really old horoscope.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
As Capricorn’s planetary energy surges this week, a feeling of restlessness will take hold. Well, not so much restlessness as agitation. Let’s call it intense irritation. Okay, look, it’s going to be rage. Unadulterated rage. Hold on tight.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
The stars are reminding you that all good things must come to an end. As such, you will come to the unfortunate realization that naming your new kitten Mr. Goodthing was probably not one of your best ideas.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
Although it may seem like your social circle has been shrinking lately, take heart: a busload of fresh inmates is scheduled to arrive on Tuesday. So hey, chin up, buckaroo.