Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
An interesting series of events will take your personal life to a new level this week. Unfortunately, you will learn that counselors refer to it as “rock bottom”.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
The strong pull of Venus suggests that the tables are about to turn in a most unexpected way, as are the chairs, the sofa, and everything else that isn’t bolted down.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
This week will be full of distractions, so stay focused on the task at hand. It will be well worth it when you finally become Whack-A-Mole champ and take home that awesome Chuck E. Cheese t-shirt.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
You will meet that special someone you’ve been searching for at Tuesday’s Mime Convention, but alas, although he is a master of invisible ropes, he just cannot figure out how to get out of that invisible box.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
An adjustment to your planetary alignment indicates that Jupiter must be back at Many Moons Chiropractic for those nagging lumbar issues.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
The stars advise that the answers to your questions this week are: 1.)No, that is not a good idea, and 2.)Because you’re not Tyler Derden.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Your week may become stressful as you will have a lot on your plate, but take heart: it’s mostly comfort food, which is pretty much your go-to stress reliever.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
You will finally discover the key to happiness, although ripping it out of that leprauchan’s tiny hands will be trickier than you think. Oh, and also, you’re getting low on “magic” brownies.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
You’ll want to exercise restraint this week when dealing with a coworker, so make sure you keep that handcuff key nearby at all times.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
If it feels as though your life has become one excrutiating, redundant narrative pandering to the lowest common denominators in our society, the stars suggest that the easiest solution to your plight is simply turning off CNN.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Your lucky numbers this week are “I Could Have Danced All Night” and “Broadway Baby”. Trust the stars, when midnight rolls around at Fabulous Gary’s Cocktail Lounge on Saturday night, you’ll understand.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
A trip to the dog park will prove what your friends have been telling you for days: There’s a very good reason that bacon necklaces aren’t a thing.