Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
The stars acknowledge that you’re seeing some real benefits from taking Yoga classes, though the truth is, it’s actually your moral flexibility that concerns them the most.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
As Mars dips in its orbit, it’s time to address the universe’s larger problems of failing time-space infrastructure, intergalactic corruption, rampant wormholes, and the greedy top 1% of Planetary Elites! Paid for by friends of Bernie Sanders.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
You will feel the weight of the world on your shoulders this week, which indicates that it may be time to address some of the inherent flaws in your “Piggy-Back Uber” business model.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
You’ll have plenty of time to ponder how anyone ever killed two birds with one stone while that therapist works on your dislocated shoulder later this week.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The stars are warning you that practical jokes involving horseradish never, ever end in laughter.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Although you will succumb to a dangerous temptation, things will be fine after Gollum bites that ring off your finger and falls to a fiery death in the lava of Mount Doom. Whew, you had the stars pretty nervous for a minute there, Virgo!
Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
You can take comfort in the idea that most people you know would choose you to join them on a desert island. Although it’s mostly because your soft, pasty skin would make perfect fish bait.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
While aging can be a difficult part of life, the stars predict that your unbelievable clumsiness will spare you at least that one particular difficulty.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your lucky numbers this week are B5, N33, and G8. **Alert** It appears that the Dark Moon Daubers have hacked your horoscope reading for the week of 2/26/16. Please disregard, and avoid bingo palaces until further notice.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The color red is looming very large in your Galactic Karma Center. Yeah, sorry, there’s just blood everywhere, friend. No way around it.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then you’ve clearly got a much bigger water problem in your basement than you previously thought.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
While burning the candle at both ends has been fun, you’re about to realize why most people don’t buy their candles at Darryl’s Load ‘Em & Light ‘Em Warehouse.