Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Take time to really enjoy the first half of your Superbowl party this weekend. It will become a cherished memory of how good your life was before “The Buffalo Wing Catastrophe” changed everything.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Solar flares in your Eastern Hemisphere suggest that the Sun is, once again **sigh**, determined to be a total douche this week.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The appearance of Mercury and Saturn will dramatically alter the direction of your life, as will the appearance of Nissan, Chevrolet and unfortunately, Peterbilt.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Try to remain open-minded this week when a friend suggests doing something outside your comfort zone. It’ll be quite liberating for those few minutes before you realize your friend is off his meds again.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Your love life heats up this week, and continues to trend that way for the foreseeable future. Oops, the stars are clarifying that instead of “your love life” they meant to say “Antarctica”.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Luck will be on your side in real estate this week, especially when you buy up all those undervalued Railroads and build that swanky hotel on Park Place. Nice work, Top Hat.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
The presence of Neptune in your third house indicates that, although it may seem rude, you probably need to excuse yourself and get to the surface for some air.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
When the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers face off in Sunday’s Superbowl, the stars predict that somehow, some way, the game will end with the Green Bay Packers winning on a Hail Mary play.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
While the saying goes that “there is more than one way to skin a cat”, the universe strongly advises that you discontinue your endeavor to learn them all.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
This week is poised to teach you the difficult and painful lesson that although ignorance is bliss, it is also way, waaaaay stupid.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
A slip of the tongue will leave you in a vulnerable position, and you’ll be stuck wondering what kind of sadist would hang a lollipop so close to a frozen metal pole.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
When booking a flight this week, you’d be wise to inquire if the airline charges additional fees for emotional baggage. Because whoa, Pisces, that could get hella spendy.