Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Practicing your listening skills with coworkers could lead to some surprising insights, especially once you get those phone taps up and running.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
The rise of Jupiter in your third moon indicates that 1.) You have 2 too many moons, and 2.) Your massively overinflated ego has finally developed its own gravitational pull.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
Following an eventful snorkeling excursion, your long-time fascination with sharks will be replaced by your new-found fascination with prosthetic limbs.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
A feeling of deja-vu this week will signify that danger is imminent. A feeling of deja-vu this week will signify that danger is imminent.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The stars are amused to report that, although no one on earth will notice, your Friday night “Bathroom Incident” will become the most viewed intergalactic Hu-Tube video of the week.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
You will face some delays while traveling this week, but things will get back on track once Doc channels that 1.21 jigowatt bolt of lightning into the DeLorean’s flux capacitor.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Although wrapping his birthday present in duct tape seemed like a funny idea at the time, you will find that you grossly overestimated your father’s ability to safely use a pocket knife while eating ice cream cake.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
The stars once again advise that setting realistic goals will benefit you much more than setting fires. They feel they’ve been over this.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your new Iron Man belt buckle will prove to be not only extremely cumbersome, but downright dangerous when you attend next weekend’s Magnet Enthusiasts Convention.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
Capricorn: The universe is unavailable for comment as it is hosting an astronomically stellar homecoming party for its most loved and revered Capricorn ever, Ziggy Stardust (aka David Bowie). Horoscope auto-reply: Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Based on a giant upcoming deposit in your bank account, it appears your lucky numbers this week are 666.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
A miscommunication from months ago will be clarified this week, finally explaining why you’ve been getting so little satisfaction out of keeping that Latitude Journal.