Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
With holiday family gatherings safely behind you, the stars agree that you can stop swallowing your anger in big gulps now and just go back to your usual little sips.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
The power of Venus will be unprecedentedly strong in your love life this year. Unfortunately, the power of Serena will be far stronger and, frankly, a little scary.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
Your planetary energy suggests that the key to relaxation this week is to focus on the simple things in life. Like the gentle fizz of a whiskey and soda, or the way that Xanax pill feels in your hand.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Try not to worry too much when you get a flat tire later this week. Instead, take a few deep breaths and start coming up with a plausible story about how your car ended up in your cubicle.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
With Mars eclipsing Mercury, you have a good chance of finding your mate at the laundromat this week, assuming you can survive the wild wet ride and ensuing tumble that await you. Oh, and also, you’re a sock.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
You will be forced to question the validity of your rescue Chihuahua’s paperwork when, after a full month, he still won’t say “Yo Quiero Taco Bell”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Your New Year’s resolution to lose 10 pounds will be surprisingly easy to accomplish when you pass what will come to be known as the world’s largest kidney stone ever.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
While all Scorpios have long memories for perceived wrongs, the stars feel it’s probably time to forgive Bobby Henderson for that 2nd grade dodgeball incident and set him free from your basement dungeon.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
As the moon opposes Saturn, you’ll want to steer clear of conflict this week, especially with loved ones. So yeah, it might be wise to cancel Scrabble night with Uncle “My-House-My-Spelling” Wesley.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
A seemingly benign news story about nitrate-free meat will prove to be the last straw for you as your brain finally exceeds its capacity to store nutritional data and just explodes.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Your dream of living in a hip tiny house will soon become a reality, complete with decorative bars on the door, a clever stainless steel toilet, unique built-in bunk beds, and a roommate named “Killa”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
It will be ironic when, after you win the lottery, you in fact don’t die the next day, but instead book a luxury suite at an Alanis Morissette concert. Unfortunately, they’ll serve a gimmicky plastic black fly in your chardonnay which you’ll accidentally swallow and choke to death on. Frickin irony.