Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
As you begin your painting project this week, your excitement will be replaced by horror when you realize the name of your new living room paint color is Satan-Claims-This-Home Red.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Instead of seeing the glass as half empty, try to see it for what it really is: your last chance to walk away from that 32 oz. growler before you add yet another entry to your long list of regrets.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
A large expenditure could completely change the trajectory of your life, so you’ll want to carefully consider the pros and cons of becoming a Level IV Operating Thetan before you write that check.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
You will prove to yourself this week that there is truly no end to the amount of time you can waste planning for the big lottery win that is never, ever going to happen. But hey, somebody has to win.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
An unexpected delivery could cause a problem in your relationship, but take heart: you successfully hid a pregnancy for 9 months, just imagine what else you’re capable of.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Good news! The stars have concluded that there are finally enough stupid people in the world to make your “Dehydrated Water” business idea a profitable one.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
As the world turns, Hamilton and Alexis conspire to expose Winston’s sordid past in order to kidnap his love child with Hamilton’s sister Charmagne….oops the stars were watching the Soap Channel again. Those silly stars!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
After surviving being struck by a Porsche 918 Spyder while crossing the street, you and your lawyer will have a good laugh over the phrase “success is no accident”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
You will curse Orphan Annie after you bet your bottom dollar and the sun, in fact, does not come out tomorrow.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
A random phone call will lead you on a wild adventure. Just remember to get all the required vaccine shots before you go chasing down your life’s savings somewhere in southern Nigeria.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Your best friend’s juice cleanse experience will inspire you to jump on the health bandwagon this week. Unfortunately, substituting gin-and-juice will result in you falling right off that wagon in a rather dramatic fashion.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
After years of feeling “different”, a chance encounter on the beach will help you understand that you’re really exactly the same as all the other wide-eyed, suffocating half-fish people.