Tag Archives: hack

Russians Hack Krispy Kreme’s Secret Recipe

The Russians might use this recipe to make spare tires for their military trucks.

Moscow, Pennsylvania – With no evidence to back it up, President Trump is alleging that the Russians have hacked Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and stolen their secret recipe.

FM Observer: So, what do you think about the Russians supposedly hacking Krispy Kreme’s secret doughnut recipe?

President Trump: I think it’s a bad deal, a very bad deal, which must be investigated.

Krispy Kreme Founder Vernon Rudolph: Impeccable presentation is critical wherever Krispy Kreme is sold. We must produce a collaborative team effort and never get hacked.

Krispy Kreme CEO Michael Tattersfield: Since 1937, we have striven and strived to be the worldwide leader in sharing delicious tastes and creating joyful memories.

Gov. Chris Christie: I am quite panicked right now! If I donut have my six Krispy Kreme Doughnuts every day I might have to close down a major highway while I have a major panic attack.

President Putin: This whole thing is just a big hoax. However, if we did hack the Krispy Kreme Doughnut secret recipe, we could use it to make spare tires for our military jeeps.

E Corp Chief Technology Officer Warns Of Possible Hack

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Trust in E Corp®

New York, NY – In a coded briefing released at 12:34:56 PM yesterday, Terry Colby, the Chief Technology Officer of banking conglomerate E Corp, warned of another potential hack aimed at their users’ personal data.

This briefing, deciphered from a standard base-10 algorithm downloaded from a .docm macro, reads “A femtocell DDoS containing malware infiltrated a back-door zero-day vulnerability via our static IP resulting in a rootkit packet-sniffing botnet. This won’t reoccur but could be perpetrated again by fsociety members as a 2nd-phase 5/9 attack. -TC”

The Observer cannot confirm nor disconfirm the suspicion that Terry Colby or any top-level E Corp representative actually did release this coded briefing, but we can confirm that it was found in an encrypted email from E Corp to fmobserver@gmail.com at 12:34:56 yesterday with instructions to release it at 12:34:56 today. 

This comes after the public was made aware of a Yahoo user account breach that finally made national headlines two whole years after it occurred. 

Fargo Hires Fourth Grader To Prevent System Hacking

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Child prodigy Ethan Hackett hired to protect City of Fargo’s computer systems.

Fargo, ND – The City of Fargo has decided to hire a fourth grader named Ethan Hackett to prevent hackers from infiltrating the city’s new computer systems.

Ethan’s mother tells the story that when young Ethan was but a babe, his favorite nursery rhyme was: “Hackary dackary dock, his mouse clicked on a clock”.

Lucy Bavaro who is Ethan’s fourth grade teacher says of the lad: “During our recent regional Hackathon, Ethan not only won it, but he hacked the contest and changed it to show looped Mr. Robot youtube videos. When not hacking around, Ethan likes to play hackysack with his friends.”

Ethan Hackett in his own words: “I tend to get real hacked off when other hacktivists try to hack into something that’s hackable with a hacksaw in order to do some real damage. I have always used my hacktivism to show how hackable systems are in order for them to prevent future serious data hackage.”

The City of Fargo plans to put Ethan Hackett on their payroll at a salary level which is to remain private unless it’s hacked. They also will be paying him bonus incentives in the form of bubble gum, Mashers, and iTunes gift cards.

Hackers Change Pokemon Go Animals Into Satanic Demons

Demons in your world.

Demons in your Pokeworld?

Fargo, ND – A small number of Android users have become affected by a nefarious hack into the newly-famous Pokemon Go mobile game interface. Certain pokehunters are now encountering demonic hellspawn where cute and adorable Pokemon once were.

Pokemon Go player Plis Kincannix, 15, says “I didn’t sign up to fight demons, but bro, these demons are totally lit. I can shoot pokeballs at ghouls instead of Pikachu until the bug is fixed.”

The hack purportedly affects versions of Android 4.0 and older, so if you’ve been hunting Pokemon with a sucky old suckity-suck phone you might be susceptible.

ISIS and John Mark Karr have both claimed responsibility for the hack.