Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Avoid getting drawn into a conversation with a stranger today. Not so much because he’s a stranger, but because he’s just way too excited for you to see what’s in the back of his van.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
A mid-week rush of energy will inspire you to make big changes in your life, but once that leftover Halloween candy runs out you’ll be right back to complete apathy.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The good news is that mole you’ve been watching for weeks is not cancerous. The bad news is you seriously need glasses and that mole is a Lyme disease-carrying tick.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Even though wishing doesn’t make it so, just the thought of your boss being eaten alive by rabid raccoons will provide much needed therapeutic relief later this week.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Although your nephew is always awestruck when you find a quarter behind his ear, it will become painfully obvious that Officer Johnson does not share your nephew’s appreciation of magic.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Your world will be rocked this week when a casual family dinner conversation reveals the shocking truth that pickles are in fact just small fermented cucumbers.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
You will be tempted to follow the crowd this week, but try to remember that one person is not a crowd and the restraining order against you is still in effect.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
Your lucky numbers this week are 8 6 7 5 3 0 9. Actually, the stars just think it’s super funny that you’re going to have that damn Tommy Tutone song stuck in your head all day.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Challenging yourself could reap big rewards this week. However, trying to say “Jurassic!” 20 times a day isn’t exactly the type of challenge that pays noticeable dividends.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
One of your prayers will be answered this week. Unfortunately, God is way behind on answering prayers, so you may want to make room for that pony.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Experimenting with yet another questionable internet facial treatment will not only leave you with egg on your face, but Salmonella in your eye as well.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
Your nurturing side will be inclined to comfort those around you this week, but your psychotic side has drastically different plans for them.