Tag Archives: penalties

Lottery Winner On Way To Collect Jackpot Killed By Distracted Driver

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Lucky to have won the lottery jackpot but then unlucky to have gotten hit by a distracted driver.

Bismarck, ND – Ty Barich was excitedly on his way to collect his jackpot millions after repeatedly checking his winning lottery ticket with his pregnant wife.

While crossing the street en route to the lottery headquarters, Mr. Barich got hit by a distracted driver who decided it was more important to text “LOL” to his friend rather than stop at a red light and look for any pedestrians crossing the street on a green light.

Now, because a dummkopf distracted driver thinking that texting a short quick message on his smartphone was more important than paying attention to being in control of his moving motorized vehicle, another innocent person’s life is unncessarily altered or even taken away from them and their family.

The North Dakota legislature is now considering increasing the penalty for distracted driving to either life behind bars (with no access to a smartphone) or quickly being put in front of a firing squad composed of people who have been negatively affected by a distracted driver.

Ironically, all of the letters in “Ty Barich” can be re-arranged to spell: Hit by car!

Moorhead Imposes Harsh New Penalties For All Non-Recyclers

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Moorhead's new penalties for not recycling the most draconian in the nation.

Moorhead’s new penalties for not recycling are the most draconian in the nation.

Moorhead, MN – Effective immediately, the City of Moorhead will now be enforcing stringent new penalties for any and all households that do not recycle.

Moorhead’s Recycling Czar Marv Hammerstone: “Some folks might not like how strict these new penalties are but we don’t like non-recyclers.”

For a 1st violation, the penalty will be: One week at a recycling work camp, one day on the e-Wall of Shame, a fine of $100, and one Hail Mary.

For a 2nd violation, the penalty will be: Two weeks at a recycling work camp, two days on the e-Wall of Shame, a fine of $200, and two Hail Marys. And so on and so forth.

How will the City of Moorhead know if someone is not recycling?

Czar Hammerstone says: “Oh, we will know! Don’t you worry about that, mmkay? We will use every sneaky possible way we can think of to determine if you’re a non-recycler and then impose swift and hard punishments accordingly.”