Tag Archives: protests

New Starbucks Bathroom Policy Welcomes All

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If you need a bathroom now, now think Starbucks!

Seattle, WA – After undergoing some much needed racial sensitivity training, Starbucks Coffee has come up with a new bathroom policy for all its locations across the country.

Starbucks new Open Door bathroom policy will let anyone use any of their three bathrooms at any time.

The fine print of their new Open Door policy does have a few additional clauses worth noting:

A. You must be carrying in your hand a recently purchased Starbucks coffee with you, along with your receipt, or

B. You must either be a Starbucks employee or be close personal friends with someone who is currently working at that particular location, or

C. You have been pre-approved to do so by joining the Starbucks Bathroom Club and are currently wearing your Starbucks Bathroom Club button with its scannable barcode.

Winter Holiday Greetings From Your FM Observer

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For all you Protestants, protest signs like this can be made at Acme dot com slash Chumaker

Southern North Pole – Since saying Merry Christmas is possibly offensive to some, we here at the FM Observer Headquarters want to wish all our faithful readers very warm Winter Holiday greetings, to hopefully help counteract the recent Global Cooling which seems to have overtaken our area thanks to carbon-taxing Algore.

The FM Observer was boldly begun about six years ago by co-founders Cody and Nick, who simply wanted to provide an alternative to all the bad, real news. Cody is sadly no longer with us. Nick is related to Jolly Old St. Nick, who happens to be our Nick’s God-Santa.

After six long years of being at the vanguard of exclusively satirical fake news, we have unfortunately (for some) decided to renew our contract for another six years.

So, for any folks who wished we would just go away like Al Franken is from the Senate…no, we are here to stay – just like Robert Mueller’s never-ending special investigation into possible collusion with the Russians.

Acme.com/Chumaker

Nonviolent Protests Spread To Ferguson Iowa, Kentucky, North Carolina

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20140410__ZAA10TANK2~p1Ferguson, IA/KY/NC—Amidst the ongoing protests in Ferguson, Missouri, local residents in remaining Fergusons across the nation have caught wind of their fellow Ferguson’s defiance and are taking action.

Non-white Ferguson residents in Kentucky, North Carolina and Iowa, the Observer has learned, are calmly leaving their places of residence all at once in protest of Ferguson, MO resident Mike Brown’s alleged unlawful murder. As a result, local police forces in these other states are unnecessarily gearing up for war.

“We Kentucky Fergusonites fully support our fellow Missouri Fergusonites in their efforts to get bullied by local police,” said Ferguson, KY native Pone Baglarck. “We’re asking every African-American to stand quietly in the street tonight so our Ferguson Police Department can freak out on them, too.”

Ferguson, North Carolina is not so lucky. Police there have already barricaded the houses of their predominantly black community in order to prevent any “necessary police action.”

A local black man in Ferguson, Iowa was last seen being questioned by patrolmen while walking calmly down the sidewalk.