Tag Archives: purpose

Survey Asks: Do We Really Need Domesticated Cats?

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One thing that everyone agrees on: Domesticated cats are now obsolete!

Catalina, Arizona – We recently surveyed less than a million people asking about cats as pets.

The overall consensus from our expensive and extensive survey was that domesticated cats have now become obsolete.

Case in point: Let’s take the average domesticated cat for example.

Your typical house cat has become bored, lazy, and fat.

Today’s modern couch cat goes from catatonic cat naps to over-using recreational catnip with an occasional caterwaul for more of the same.

Domesticated cats are an embarrassment to their species and are nearly unrecognizable from their ancestral progenitors.

The solution to this catastrophe is to release today’s home-bound cats out into the wild to give them a purpose again: Mouse and Vole Patrol!

In summary: Do we really still need to have domesticated cats? The answer is a categorical: NO!

Justin Beaver’s ‘Porpoise’ Concert Floating To Fargo

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Justin Beaver’s latest concert tour encouraging people to get a porpoise and have a porpoise in their lives.

Fargo, ND – Marine biologists are among the many who are excitedly anticipating Justin Beaver’s “Have a Porpoise” concert tour stop in Fargo.

Most people don’t know that both of Justin Beaver’s parents are marine biologists who have spent their lives studying and trying educate others about the porpoise and the importance of having one.

In fact, statistics show that people who “Have a Porpoise” in their lives live longer than those who donut.

One of Justin Beaver’s Fargo fans named Mucky Fuzzlewump yelled: “OMG! Justin Beaver’s coming to Fargo! Finally my life will “Have a Porpoise!”“

VIP-3 Package (which costs $40) includes: a signed picture of Justin Beaver’s porpoise, and a bag of Doritos half eaten by Justin Beaver.

VIP-2 Package (which costs $300) includes: a signed picture of Justin Beaver’s porpoise, a bag of Doritos half eaten by Justin Beaver, plus the gmail address of Justin Beaver’s agent, and an “I Hava Porpoise” wall mirror.

VIP-1 Package (which costs $2,000) includes: a signed picture of Justin Beaver’s porpoise, a bag of Doritos half eaten by Justin Beaver, the gmail address of Justin Beaver’s agent, an “I Hava Porpoise” wall mirror, plus five minutes in Justin Beaver’s back-stage baptismal hottub, an autographed Justin Beaver autobiography entitled “Looking Backwards”, and a chance to win a hot air balloon trip over the Himalayan Mountains with Justin Beaver and his pet shih tzu named Dinky.