Tag Archives: squirrels

32 Pound Squirrel Attacks Family Picnickers In Moorhead

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Large squirrels like these float into FM area on inverted plastic garbage can lids.

Moorhead, MN – A nice family out having a normal picnic in a well-known Moorhead park was negatively amazed when a 32-pound squirrel performed a hostile takeover of all their food.

An NDSU squirrelologist says: “Yes, we have been noticing a recent trend for the larger squirrels to float down the river into the Fargo-Moorhead area on inverted plastic garbage can lids. Once here, they seem to set up shop near a popular park, where they occasionally rob family picnics, as if they’re their personal convenience stores.”

Comments from the traumatized family:

Father: “I felt so violated and so utterly helpless while we’all just sat and watched this 32-pound squirrel rob us of all our foodstuffs.”

Mother: “The last time I was this scared was when I somehow got locked in a gas station bathroom in New Jersey!”

Tween: “That was one bad-ass squirrel! Because of this experience, I would someday like to become a squirrelologist.”

Tot: “Waah! Me want my cookies back!” :o(

Area Outdoor Pianos Maybe Not Such A Grand Idea

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A few bad squirrels giving all squirrels a bad name.

Fargo, ND – What perhaps began as a grandiose idea has now ended up in the local landfill.

Fargo police surveillance cameras in the area of an outdoor grand piano were not quite quick enough to record all of the alleged destruction of the piano but did manage to capture an image of the possible suspect (see picture).

Dr. William Soozan is the Executive Director of The Downtown Public Piano Project.

Dr. Soozan says that even though some drunk squirrel is most likely the vandal who chewed up the publicly placed piano, this piano will soon be replaced by many more pianos all over the downtown Fargo area.

“We’re not going to give up the fight to provide free pianos for free people to play free music”, he said. “One or two bad squirrels can chew up our pianos but they certainly cannot chew up our dreams.”

In the future, each piano will be securely chained to some sort of stationary object such as a light pole or fire hydrant in order to prevent them from being dragged off and chewed to smithereens. Also, local weather forecasters will provide The Downtown Public Piano Project with early warnings of any possible rain, sleet, or snow, so that the tarp crews will have plenty of time to protect the pianos from damaging precipitation.

If you perchance recognize the squirrel shown in the above picture, please contact the Fargo Police immediately in order to help prevent future property damage to these publicly playable pianos.