Tag Archives: virus

Big Demand For Small Hats Due To Zika Virus

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This charming line of ZikaHats available at Nordstrom's and Walmart.

This charming line of ZikaHats available at Nordstrom’s and Walmart.

Hatboro, Pennsylvania – As the mutating Zika Virus spreads by mosquitos through America, the fashion industry is wasting no time trying to get ahead of a new trend.

Since the Zika Virus causes microcephaly, hat sizes will soon need to be smaller to fit onto all those smaller heads.

International fashion designer Zeke Kahat has seen this trend of smaller heads needing smaller hats go from the Zika Forest in Uganda, to the Island of Yap, to the mainland of Brazil.

“My colorfully fantastic collection of ZikaHats is here to stay, especially since there is no vaccine or treatment for the Zika Virus” says Zeke Kahat.

Super AIDS of Fargo Moorhead

UPDATE: Super AIDS reign of terror showing no signs of stopping

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Super AIDS of Fargo MoorheadFargo, ND – With its tiny but deadly hands held firmly at the throat of our quiet community, the Super AIDS virus continues its unrelenting reign of terror on the home front. Human bodies are still being violently penetrated by Super AIDS a handful of days after a cleanup week mishap caused a sudden breakout of the virus by way of airborne pathogen. And what a persistently furious and annoying airborne pathogen it has become, violating the psyche and buttholes of many all the while causing an obnoxious chorus of showtunes to be sung by the infected.


Walking outside these days, you would think you’d stumbled upon a crowd of bad karoke singers with bunghole infections participating in a road race of some sort. The infected can be seen singing, scratching and sprinting for their lives while the rest of the immune stand by and laugh. LOL. You see, Super AIDS does not affect the clean of body and spirit. It only attacks especially filthy humans; those possessors of unwashed bodies and tainted souls. That being said, this article is a cry for help as this reporter has been trapped inside his house for roughly 36 hours since the outbreak first started. Anyone with a military-grade flamethrower, please help if you dare. I have an immovable swarm of Super AIDS banging & beating its way inside my patio door and I do not know how much longer the glass will hold….

**ALERT** PRESENCE OF SUPER AIDS IN CLEANUP WEEK TRASH PILE SPAWNS EPIDEMIC

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Fargo, ND – The filthy remnants of a cleanup week trash pile containing an unknown quantity of Super AIDS is believed to be the cause of the rampant Super AIDS epidemic here in Fargo. Due to environmental concerns, a residence on 10th Street in Fargo that is home to a neurotic garbage-loving hoarder finally came under orders to evacuate the piling tons of trash built up inside. It is believed that the gigantic, black, sludgy clumps of nasty left on the yard are derived from a heinous Super AIDS reservoir scrape-away taken from beneath the basement stairwell. Now that the Super AIDS have been exposed to the outside, it has since manifested itself into an airborne pathogen infecting every living being within a 10 square-mile radius. The Observer recommends you use extreme caution to avoid the Super AIDS if and when you dare to venture outdoors. Some pertinent information on the virus:

  • The Super AIDS virus is visible to the naked eye. It looks much like a swarm of butthole-hungry gnats when approached
  • Super AIDS can fly up your nose, in your mouth or burrow itself under your eyelid or inside your genitalia
  • Super AIDS will not react to any type of disinfectant, i.e. pepper spray, bug spray, smoke or other harmful chemical. It is best to KILL IT WITH FIRE
  • Super AIDS will call you names prior to forcing itself all up in your face, bunghole or junk so if a swarm of bugs starts calling you “pissface” or “cock-munch”, RUN LIKE HELL

Please be wary of Super AIDS and its symptoms. If your face, genitals or asshole ingests a Super AID, here is what to expect:

  • Immense bloating
  • Beady, shifty eyes
  • Growling & other incoherent ramblings
  • Profuse sweat
  • Intense anger
  • Projectile diarrhea

These symptoms are, 9 times out of 10, immediately followed by explosion death. Super AIDS pretty much skips the useless “HIV” portion of infection and goes right to being horrifyingly AIDSy. There is but one known cure for an affliction of Super AIDS, and that is to sing showtunes until your asshole bleeds the Super AIDS out. Super AIDS hates showtunes. Be careful out there, you guys.