Kula RePaParker, demon shopmaster
Fargo, ND—The Observer has learned that Kula RePaParker, heiress to the vast RePaParker® line of stylish animal cosmetics, will be attempting to break the Guinness Book of World Records “most state malls shopped by one materialistic human in one year” record by making a slew of frivolous purchases in at least one shopping mall in all 50 states during 2014.
Her final stop will be next Monday, December 29th at West Acres Mall in Fargo.
During an interview via her diamond-studded platinum-plated iPhone 6+, we caught up with Kula to get her take on what has been a wild year of shopaholism.
FMO: So…you like shopping?
Kula: I should have, like, went to North Derkota in, like, the summer or something. It’s, like, cold there now.
FMO: Yes, well, it’s cold in many places in the winter, not just North Dakota. You’ll need to stay warm somehow.
Kula: I like, have a fur coat made from, like, the interwoven hairs of, like, 2,000 virgin RePaParker® overseas sweatshop workers or whatever.
FMO: That’s lovely! What do you plan on buying when you get to West Acres Mall?
Kula: Like, do they have calf-leather boots or whatever? Mine are, like, 3 days old.
FMO: Maybe…only one way to find out! I’d check JC Penney…
Kula: JC who?
FMO: JC Penney. It’s a widely-known retail manufacturer…
Kula: Is there a Saks there or something?
FMO: Saks Fifth Avenue? No…the mall is on 13th avenue.
Kula: Well, like, um…where am I supposed to shop and junk??
FMO: There are at least two jewelers at West Acres. Maybe you could throw away your most useless 96-karat diamond ring and get a new one?
Kula: …
FMO: Okay. I’m sure they have some leather-bound garments at the Buckle.
Kula: …Ugh!
Is Kula the next Paris Hilton times a thousand? Watch for this beacon of materialism at West Acres Mall some time next Monday afternoon 🙁
Nick
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