United Airlines Expecting Insignificant Revenue Shortfall Amidst Controversy

Louisville, KY – $36 billion in annual revenue could turn into a mere $33 billion after video of United airline staff violently re-appropriating or re-accommodating or re-moving or whatever they call what they did to a paid customer surfaced the other day.

“We might lose a couple potential flyers. It is an unfortunate consequence of millions of people witnessing an involuntary de-boarding or mandatory un-planing or whatever we’re calling what we did to that passenger the other day,” said United spokesperson Phishla Crowntank. “He wouldn’t get himself off so we had to get him off.”

There’s no telling what this tiny revenue shortfall will do to the airline. Our guess is that instead of 4 passengers getting up to $1300 apiece for being unavoidably extricated from a flight, perhaps they’ll have their bouncers fist-beat and drag three paid customers for $1000 apiece instead.

Meanwhile, remember to bring a helmet in your carry-on luggage next time you fly United.