Weeping Christ Statue Feared To Have Ebola Virus

Milaria, Italy—As the ebola pandemic continues to build steam, countries across the globe are showing concern. The Observer has learned that a recent discovery of a weeping-blood statue of Jesus is feared to contain the deadly infection.

A small village in Italy is in an uproar as a masterpiece statue hanging within their local church was recently seen weeping tears of red. “Gesu Di Galilea” (Jesus of Galilee), Milarian locals fear, has contracted the ebola virus.

Worshippers won’t go into or near the church for fear of catching ebola and blood-crying their own eyes out. “We make effort to stay away. Christ possessed…very deadly…infection may occur,” says local priest Mario Bamatomelli. “Why must God give infection to Christ?? Why we must live in fear of asshole blood? Gesu Di Galilea, ti prego, eliminare questo germe mortale!!“