News From The Future, March 3, 2116
Austin, TX – Sheppy Milton, the oldest human alive at 160, is terribly reluctant to grant interviews but when he heard that his father and esteemed time traveler Vern Milton made an appearance in our fine publication over 100 years ago, he obliged.
The planet’s oldest man is understandably reclusive. He never answers his doorbell and refuses to acknowledge his worldwide telecommunications interface. We spoke to him via VirtuaSkype from his UltraHouse in Austin, TX.
FMO: So let’s start with the obvious. What is your secret formula for an incredibly long and fruitful existence?
Sheppy: “I’ll tell you, but I must warn you: I’ve heard this question a million times once I turned 120 and as a result, I’ve since mastered every martial art and will kick your ass 40 different ways after this stupid interview is over. Now, to answer your question: Nanotechnology. I was one of the first humans to sell my body to nanotech engineering science. The fine folks at ITT Technical Institute have been injecting me with gene therapy nanobots for nearly 60 years.
FMO: What advantages do you take from enabling microscopic machines to change your cell atoms?
Sheppy: “Very important ones. The nanobots consume and expunge all impurities while simultaneously altering my DNA via a pre-programmed algorithm specific to my genetic code. This technology disables disease and hinders the aging process.”
FMO: Fascinating! What other anti-aging tactics do you employ?
Sheppy: “Cryosleep, obviously. Every house nowadays has one, man. This isn’t news! Same shit the astronauts use to travel to Neptune and back. Same shit, except I don’t crank it (the temperature) up as high as they do. I take my nightly nanobot injection, spin up the cryosleep chamber to, oh, roughly 100 below zero and I get in there and preserve for 8 hours. Aging ceases during cryosleep! If you do the math, I’ve added 24 years to my life by cryosleeping every night since the year 2050. The next morning I wake up and pop a limitless pill like everybody else. I’m no different than you.”
FMO: Of all the stuff you’ve seen during your 160 years in America, what do you consider the most amazing?
Sheppy: (without hesitation) “The Kanye West presidency.”
FMO: Do you think you’ll die by natural causes?
Sheppy: “I don’t think so. The technology is so advanced, there’s nothing my body can’t survive. On the contrary, there’s nothing stopping me from getting flattened by a Google SelfBus or being eaten alive by one of the thousands of Ebola-stricken forest zombies Big Government can’t seem to contain. That’s why I stay inside and play Candy Crush Endless Saga all day. No, i’ll live forever unless I were to choke to death on a mouthful of my homegrown genetically-mutated panther jerky. See you in 2216!”
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