Author Archives: Bill Burns

About Bill Burns

Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.

Local Sandwich Artist Gets Lifetime Achievement Award

19232654_SAWest Fargo, ND – Dale, a Subway Sandwich Artist, received a lifetime achievement award today.

Dale has been an employee at Subway now for 11 years and he says his artesrty is only blossoming.

“I feel great! I’ve been a sandwich artist for 11 whole years now.  My works of art are consumed on a daily basis.  I couldn’t be happier.”

Dale says his passion for the art of sandwich making has fueled his inner genius.

“Give me sandwich materials and I’m your Leonardo Da Vinci.”

The local science and art institute would like to congratulate Dale on his lifetime achievement award.  They feel his expertise has contributed considerably to the advancement of human science.

Neighbor Refuses To Mow

ask-julie-what-proper-mowing-height-grass-1Fargo, ND – A local man has been fined for not caring Thursday.

Jim got the cops called on him Thursday afternoon after his neighbor reported him to the authorities for not ‘murdering the grass.”

“I don’t want to do it.  I simply refuse to mow my grass.  Its going to be winter in about a month anyways.  What’s the point. Apparently my neighbor has a problem with naturally grown grass.  I cut it and it comes back within days.  I hate it.”

Jim will be fined again and again if he doesn’t mow that grass.  However, it doesn’t look like it will stop Jim from not mowing his lawn.  He said he will continue to obtain fines and will not pay them.

Old Man Mistakes Dildo As Stress Reliever

homemade-stress-ballsFargo, ND – Local store patrons got a good laugh Wednesday night.

Josh, an 86 year-old man got quite the looks Wednesday when he seemed to have mistaken a dildo for a stress reliever.

Josh thought that a 7ft bouncy and thick dildo was a stress reliever.  You know, the kind you squish with your hand.

“All I saw was a man holding a dildo that was swaying back and forth.  He was squishing the shaft over and over again.  I was like, what is this man doing.”

We spoke with Josh’s son who said his old man just has a hard time seeing is all.

“I gave him an actual stress reliever ball that he can carry wherever he goes.  No more dildos.” Josh’s son stated.

If you ever see an old man waving a dildo around, please call Josh’s son at 555-8987.

Fargo Canoer Mistakes Ditch Water For Sheyenne River

canoe fargoFargo, ND – A Fargo man mistakes ditch water for the sheyenne river yesterday afternoon.

Due to the beautiful weather yesterday afternoon, John decided it was perfect to go canoeing. Just not in the right place.

John was arrested for trespassing and resisting arrest. Police say John might not be aging so well and due to very old age, he simply mistook the ditch with water in it as the sheyenne river.  Simple mistake.

John did put up a fight though.  He refused to get out of the canoe.  Police had no choice but to taze him 3 times and break both legs just to subdue him.  It then took ten punches to the face and a visit to his house to shoot his dog. The police did say they felt all was finally safe and to proceed to bring him to jail for prosecution.

Police would like to remind the public that it is illegal to canoe in public ditches and law enforcement will keep an extra eye out there for potential offenders.

leopard gecko pet

Family Held Hostage By Pet Leopard Gecko

leopard gecko petWest Fargo, ND – The Taylors just wanted to get to a movie Saturday evening but ended up getting held hostage by their pet leopard gecko instead.

Friday night, the family leopard gecko got out of its cage somehow and had been lost in the house ever since.

The Taylors decided to have a family movie night and were all about to head out the door when there he suddenly was.  Bubbles, the families pet leopard gecko, was in the entryway.  He was motionless and staring at the entire family with an evil, blank stare.

Any effort a family member would make towards the door, the lizard would swiftly move and block their path thus trapping the family in the house.

The Taylors spent four entire days trapped inside their house as their pet lizard would not let them pass.

I asked why they didn’t just pick him up.

“Well, he tends to nip at your hands when you try and pick him up because he thinks your hand is food so that wasn’t an option.  He just sat there looking at us like he was going to hurt us.  We were frightened beyond belief.”

On day 4, the Taylors daughter remembered that she had a cellphone and called police.  West Fargo police sent out the SWAT team to the Taylors residence and were able to catch the lizard after a 10-hour standoff.

Nobody was injured.

Bar Patrons

Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

Bar PatronsWest Fargo, ND – Musky smell.  Sticky floors.  He was sitting in a dark corner only lit by the bathroom lights.

He’d been there since 1pm.  Its not a couple minutes past 12 a.m. now. Many beers later it looked like he had just started.

Jack was his name. He was dressed like a lumberjack. Burley looking fellow whose staunch shoulders held up his fancy flannel shirt.

I was gazing upon his beard looking for signs of life when he blurted out, “hey! Who! Hey you….”

I realized he was talking to me. I stood up and walked over to him as he motioned me to sit down at his lonely and dark table.

I took a seat to his right. His hair was very grey.  Looked burned, sun torched, weather beaten.

I said, “hey dude…sup brah..”

He then proceeded to vomit all over himself.  I got up and left in a haste.

 

— Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

Fargo Easter Kids Found What?!? Jaw dropping! Must Read!

easter-bunny-cuteFargo, ND – Will was looking for easter eggs with his brother earlier this morning when they discovered something awful.

Will stated him and his brother went behind the shed to get some cute easter eggs.  What they discovered were not easter eggs but two ripped apart bunnies mangled beyond recognition.  Their heads ripped apart from their bodies.  Still twitching.

Local wildlife officials stated that an eagle most likely made quick work of these bunnies and no suffering was involved. Parents say the kids are a little upset but they will pull through.

Wildlife officials would also like to remind kids that cute bunny rabbits don’t just poop out colored eggs but that they are dinner for others as well.

Titanfall

Respawn Lays Out It’s Future With Titanfall

TitanfallIn a recent post, Steve Fukuda discussed the developer’s point of view to supporting the future of Titanfall and offered some insight as to what to expect.

Some of these is the promise of ultimate transparency.  They stated they want to let its fans know exactly what to expect.

“We tend the garden and keep the weeds out,” Fukuda posted.

What he actually means is that the current employees (former infinity ward employees) will be required to update the game with the most minimal changes possible.

“Yes.  Our 10 year future of Titanfall releases looks fantastic.  We have made one game now.  Now all we need is a sequel with some added gameplay and you’ve got yourself a series! Once the second game is released, it’s hookers, blow, and suitcases full of quaaludes for the following nine years.”

“Any new and exciting ideas for future releases?”

“Yes of course! By game two we have many scenes created.  We can now just take those same scenes, add some new textures, and create new scenes from those in no time flat.  That means tons of new scenes and textures for our fans.  We will also think about adding titan customization features.  Those will require in-game micro purchases, of course. Lastly, we will just literally try and do the least amount of work possible on future releases so we can continue to sell you the same game for the next 9 years.  We call it “The Call of Duty Format. DLC content will be available for a fee on day one as well.”

The developers got the last word and here is what they stated.

“We think you will love the Titanfall series and hope to see you continue buying the same game every year for the next nine years. We love your delicious tears……..but we love your money even more.”

 

**Job Opening – Grammar Police**

Please leave any grammar mistakes you may find in this article in the comments section below.  Thanks!  Your work is much appreciated!

Man vaporized

Man Immediately Vaporized As He Stepped Outside

Man vaporizedWest Fargo, ND – A West Fargo man says his neighbor was vaporized this morning.

Earlier this morning police received a call from a man who stated he just witnessed his neighbor being vaporized right before his eyes.

Roger was getting the paper outside this morning when he looked to the left and saw his neighbor immediately vaporize as he stepped outside. Leaving just his clothes behind.

“I looked left and POOF he was gone. Just gone. Once the sun hit him..he disappeared.”

Experts say this weird phenomenon is called “vaportification” and mostly happens in the upper Midwest areas such as Fargo, North Dakota. They say that sitting inside for months and months at a time will drain your body of vitamin c, vitamin d, and other important life ingredients.

“Once you step outside after hibernating so long and the sun hits your skin, it goes into a hyperbolic disistenization. This interacts with the giglictic dispotiosiscalictoma.  Once that happens, your bodies cells begin to klosiform. Due to the suns luminosity of≈ 98 lm/W efficacy, the surface temperature has to be just right for the serapatosas to coligulary follicular the phase of the klosiform. But get this, the milky way also plays a factor! It has to have a mean distance of absolute magnitude so the visual brightness can be on the same equatorial radius as earth.  Now, however, the north pole on earth has to have the same measurable rotational period as the axis of the pole dissemination.  That, is why this man instantly vaporized as he stepped outside.  Pretty easy to avoid.”

These vaporizations can happen to anyone.  Be very careful once spring arrives and you step outside after hibernating for 8 months. If you follow the experts explanation above, you will never be a vaporfication victim.

The police chief just made a statement that he would like to ban the sun and the milky way now and would like to implement a fine for anyone using the sun or being in the milky way. He stated he is an expert in this matter and everyone should listen to him.