Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

Antiquated Ideologies Of Today’s Politicians OK With Fargo Man

12119 old man hiding his face with his hand_Polak-2d24e990Fargo, ND—Are you familiar with the term “social injustice”? It’s used to classify the perceived unfairness taking place in society today. Depending on who you ask, it happens all the time. For instance: take one glance at FOX News or MSNBC and you’ll be shown a controversial political viewpoint you’re either fine with or you’re not. These types of ideologies are ok with Fargo man Ed Wiltz.

“Elected officials are placed in this position of power by us, the voters. Far as I’m concerned, they can do what they want once they get there,” explained Wiltz as an exhausted look fell over his face. Wiltz trusts the oftentimes bizarre decision-making process of political parties like the GOP, even though they make him scratch his head. “They like to come down on the gays and the minorities and women. And that’s fine, I suppose. Gays don’t need to be happy. Minorities don’t need to flourish. Women don’t need to decide who does their plumbing.”

Wiltz, 72, has been alive long enough to see the differences in governmental practice over the years. “Back when I was your age, son, I saw other races get physically pushed to their emotional limits by way of segregation. Now’days, segregation’s gone, but government’s found other ways of shoving minorities into the corner. They don’t even have to touch ’em.”

Wiltz continued to declare that the injustice is incremental in that it’s perpetrated by the 1% in tiny, unattainable spurts and is not something we peasants have the ability to fight, but we should try anyway.

Only Five Days Until NFL Draft Speculation Finally Ends

photo-mel-kiper-2011-mock-draft-on-this-siteNew York, NY–A little over 5 days ’til NFL draft talking heads shut up for another year, the Observer has learned. At long last, Mel Kiper’s perfect hair and Todd McShay’s boyish charm are slated to expire at the final culmination of this year’s NFL Draft which takes place May 8th, 9th and 10th.

If you listen carefully during an NFL Live telecast, you can hear area sports fans letting out a massive, collective sigh of frustration as Kiper and McShay break down the first round of the Draft for like the 80th fucking time this week.

Seismologists predict that the moans and groans emitted from SportsCenter viewers across the nation could result in a minor earthquake between now and the end of draft weekend. That being said, Geologists are recommending you stay inside and completely ignore the incessant spouting of pundits until at least next Monday.

May is National Awareness Month In Fargo

b0a0a79a60472f47cff7e9d584bea7ebf47ecc3417e8f031520eef2abfbc451eFargo, ND—Do you or your loved ones suffer from a serious lack of awareness? Research shows that literally billions of Americans are completely unaware. The good news? There is help.

You must be wondering, “What can I do to raise awareness of awareness for Awareness®?” National Awareness Month (NAM) is a chance for everyone to raise awareness in their city. 

The community of Fargo-Moorhead in conjunction with the FM Observer is staging a handful of fun live events to help promote Awareness® awareness during the month of May:

  • NAM 5K Run/Walk7pm Saturday, May 3rd, starting at Dike North. Fargo’s first annual National Awareness Month 5K run/walk, sponsored by the FM Observer! Join us for a non-competitive foot race as we run, walk…hell, you can even crawl to raise Awareness®. $300 entry fee; $200 apiece if you bring a friend. Go to fmobserver.com/NAM5K to register. All proceeds go to FM Observer in support of Awareness®.public_awaren
  • MUSKRAT ORGY concert at Pete’s Panic Bunker, 7pm May 10th. $150 cover charge; free Awareness® headbands to be handed out at the door. All monetary proceeds go to FM Observer on behalf of Awareness®.
  • Men’s Class B National Tiddlywinks Tournament, weekend of May 18th-20th at Expressway Inn Convention Center. Come watch the B-league pros wink their tiddlies! The FM Observer and Awareness® representatives will be on hand to promote the state or condition of being aware. Come see us at the booth!
  • NAM Silent Auction/Bake Sale, 6pm May 29th at Fargo Legion Post 498 banquet room. Free-will monetary donations accepted at the door for our silent auction and homemade baked goods sale. We will be auctioning off a plethora of perceptive items. FM Observer staff will provide cupcakes! Contact us at fmobserver@gmail.com if you have an item you’d like to donate. Proceeds go to FM Observer solely for the promotion of–you guessed it–Awareness®. Get conscious with us!

We hope you’ll join us this month in the fight for Awareness®.

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Are NFL Draft Hopefuls Tanking To Avoid Being Drafted By The Browns? An FM Observer Investigative Report

 

A history of unlucky players (taken from Wikipedia)

An unfortunate history of unlucky players (via Wikipedia)

Cleveland, OH—An FM Observer investigative report concludes without a doubt that a number of surefire first-round NFL draft picks have been under-performing for scouts at the combine and during private team workouts in an effort to reduce the likelihood that the Cleveland Browns football team will pick them with the #4 overall selection.

The Observer spoke candidly with a number of potential top-10 recruits who all seemed to reflect a similar distaste for the Browns franchise.

“If you look at it, this is Cleveland’s 7th top-ten pick since 2004. They haven’t been getting any better as a result. Just between you and me…I don’t want any part of it. A couple million bucks is worth falling from 4 to 6 if it means not playing for them,” said first-round hopeful Johnny Manziel. “Could I make the team better? Maybe I could, up until they cut me. Let’s face it–we all know the Browns aren’t winning any Super Bowls. Not in this lifetime.”

QBsBlake Bortles, who is projected to go in the top 10, sat uncomfortably as we talked about the possibility of him being taken #4 overall. “I think I’m top-five material, but man, when Cleveland brought me in for a workout…I…I really stunk it up. I threw with my left arm instead of my right in hopes that they wouldn’t like me. I also guessed randomly on the Wonderlic. That should throw them off my trail. Damn…being a top-five prospect is scary. The risk outweighs the reward. Big time.”

A.J. McCarron cut right to the chase during his sit-down interview. “Signing a 4-year contract with Cleveland is every player’s worst nightmare,” he said. “I lay awake at night, sweating, biting my nails, fearfully imagining what life would be like as a Brown. Sure, there’s money, but you…you’re a Brown. It’s a death sentence. Yay! Every Sunday I get to suit up in that ugly uniform, take a cold-weather beating, then explain to the media what went wrong. No thank you.”

Casino Owner Smothered To Death By Huge Pile Of Your Gambled Money

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Mildred Bong Maxomer

Hankinson, ND—A pillar of the Hankinson community is gone. Locals mourn the loss of Wurlot Bong Maxomer, Co-Chief Operating Officer of Dakota Gaming Enterprises, which holds a stake in Dakota Magic Casino & Resort & Hotel.

County coroner’s initial report states that Wurlot died of “monetarial asphyxiation”, meaning he was smothered to death by an enormous pile of cash.

An excerpt from his eulogy, delivered by his lovely wife Mildred:

“…Wurlot was old-fashioned. He was highly suspicious of banks, so he kept all the casino earnings in big, fat wads of hundred-dollar bills. There got to be so much money that we had to pile it up in neatly stacked cash castles throughout our gigantic mansion. It was one of these cash castles that did Wurl in. He went to adjust the very top row of a 15-foot-high castle then lost his balance and fell into it. The Benjamins tower toppled onto him and smooshed him. Oh, it was gruesome! There was Benjamins and guts and Benjamins covered in guts and guts with Benjamins stuck to them. It was everywhere! The dog was licking some of it up. My Wurlot. He died doing what he loved: using your money.”

The District Attorney is expected to file a class-action “wrongful death” lawsuit against casino patrons, claiming that gamblers willfully contributed to the death of Mr. Bong Maxomer via a long series of free-will donations.

James Cameron Postpones Avatar 2 Production To Find Missing Plane

Ready to penetrate the Indian?

Ready to penetrate?

Hollywood, CA—Legendary Hollywood film producer and deep-sea-pod diver James Cameron has waited. He’s sat idly by while these so-called “professionals” attempt to retrieve the remains of Malaysian Airlines flight 370 from the depths of the Indian Ocean. He has tried to be patient, but the tension has proven to be too great.  

“It pains me to witness amateurs stabbing their equipment through the heart of our planet’s salty waters, sifting blindly through The Abyss, rated PG-13,” said Cameron. “I’ve waited long enough. Now I must plunge my pod deep into the bowels of the Indian Ocean. I must spelunk the darkest depths. I will locate MH370.”

Cameron is of course referring to his Deepsea Challenger, a deep sea submersible in which he has reached oceanic depths of up to five miles. Whether Cameron is truly physically prepared to jam his pod into The Abyss at this time is unknown. All we do know is someone needs to find that plane, for Pete’s sake.

Fargo Mom Thought Marijuana Legalization Would Have Destroyed Colorado By Now

Stop lying to us, Obama.

Stop lying to us, Obama!

Fargo,ND−Area mother Cynthia Lincoln-Baxter finds herself utterly perplexed at the fact that Colorado hasn’t devolved into an absolute wasteland full of crime, poverty and despair since the state’s decriminalization of marijuana last year.

“With pots as dangerous as they are I just don’t understand how cities like Denver haven’t succumbed to all the pots-fueled crime,” hissed Lincoln-Baxter, in between bites of string cheese that she wasn’t even taking apart—just chomping into it like some kind of rage-fueled monster. “Especially if you consider the proven notion that pots leads to heroin addiction. That alone should have killed off half the city’s population by now,” she said.

Lincoln-Baxter also seemed visibly distraught at the media’s lack of pot-related crime coverage. “Why hasn’t Brian Williams been telling us about the pot suicides and driving while high deaths?” she asked, quizzically. “Obama is blocking these reports!! I’ve been reading the Denver Post and not ONE mention of pot suicide or pot driving deaths like I know there has been.”

If you’ve seen any legitimate reports of “pot suicides” or “pot-induced coma” or “pot driving deaths” or “pot riots” or “pots murder” or “bong-related assaults” or “pot-fueled domestic disputes” or “pot on pot crime”, please, let us know in the comment section.

Texas Governor To Pardon One Thousandth Death Row Execution

Electric Chair-M

Smile, you’re being pardoned!!

Austin, TX—Last year, Texas became the first state to murder 500 death row inmates since the US Supreme Court reinstated capital punishment in 1976. The death row frontrunner has disposed of nearly five times as many criminals as Virginia, the second state on the list.

Since hitting that epic milestone, the red state’s lawmakers decided to get a little inventive with Mr. 1000. In an effort to draw some positive publicity to capital punishment, they’ve officially declared a pardon for the thousandth death row inmate.

Texas Governor Rick Perry, in a special announcement from the State Capitol: “Our thousandth violent offender, that little varmint, once he or she gets sentenced to death row we’ll mark it down and when their day finally comes, that lucky duck will receive a formal pardon just minutes before they get sizzled to death.”

When questioned whether this was cruel and unusual punishment, Perry stated “Naw, jack, we’re makin’ em sit on death row ‘n think real long ‘n hard about why they’re there. Then, after they march down Execution Hall ‘n plop down in that there chair with the wires ‘n junk, we’ll break the good news to ’em ‘n throw ’em a little hoedown with balloons ‘n whatnot.”

Governor Perry added that they’re “Fixin’ to hang a buttload of varmints” in the coming years and that death row’s one thousandth customer “Will be in for the ride of his god damned life.”

Man Takes ‘What Superhero Are You’ Quiz, Gets Batman, Attempts To Fly, Dies

Batman_didn_t_make_it___sf__baytobreakers_by_renaudvisageFargo, ND—FBI Fargo Division confirms this morning that newly-christened local superhero Adam Noisewater, 22, took his own life yesterday by jumping from the top story of the big bank skyscraper downtown.

Upon searching Noisewater’s internet history (which happens to us ALL after we die, so try not to leave a digital trail of utter debauchery. Google searches of “bi-curious tranny Asians camel” most certainly WILL be read off during your funeral in front of your loved ones), investigators noted that a recently-visited sites log included participation in Buzzfeed’s popular “What Superhero Are You” quiz in addition to the online purchase of a Batman costume.

This critical data helped investigators easily piece together the events that led up to Noisewater’s death.

FBI agent Ralph Carswell explains: “Evidence collected by our detectives concludes that the deceased had taken one of those stupid quizzes that convinced him he was Batman which made him go so far as to buy a Batman outfit and attempt to jump off a tall building like the Dark Knight. Case closed.”

The deceased’s parents are preparing to file a mega-lawsuit against the original creators of Batman DC Comics, Christian Bale, Warner Brothers Studios Inc, Buzzfeed, his internet service provider, the inventor of the internet Al Gore, the computer manufacturer who built the computer he used to take the stupid Buzzfeed quiz, the online retail outlet who sold him the costume, the vehicle manufacturer of the car he drove to the building, the shoe company who made the shoes he wore on the way to the building, the bank building management, and finally, the elevator manufacturing company of the elevator he took to the top floor.

The Observer has also learned that Noisewater is now a front-running candidate for the 2014 Darwin Awards.

Expiring Windows XP Causes Widespread Computer Suicide

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The last thing the XP user sees before their computer melts their face (kind of like what happened when they opened the ark in that Indiana Jones movie. Wasn’t that fucked up?!)

This is this decade’s Y2K.

 

Redmond, WA—They warned us. They tried to tell us. “We are discontinuing support for Windows XP,” Microsoft said. But did we listen? NOPE. We held onto those old XP computers in hopes that they wouldn’t go completely nuclear on April 8th. Little did we know, this expiring operating system would trigger the End of Days.

PC LOAD LETTER ! !

PC LOAD LETTER ! !

XP owners were led to believe that their trusty old operating system would simply stop doing updates and become a little more vulnerable to cyberattacks. Boy were they wrong. Computers have been blowing up in people’s faces since Microsoft cut the cord at midnight last night. Smoke…fire…the constant smell of death…it is all around us now. Bodies are piling up as Death By Computational Combustion claims the lives of millions of unsuspecting users.

The Observer has learned that any attempt to utilize an XP computer results in the aforementioned (pictured above) error message, directly followed by a fiery complosion.  🙁

Are you or any of your loved ones affected by the XP Meltdown? If so, and if the explosion hasn’t sizzled most of your face, call Microsoft at 1-800-MICROSOFT. They have operators standing by to assist with massive head trauma sustained by heavy compusplosive blowback.