Fargo, ND—FBI Fargo Division confirms this morning that newly-christened local superhero Adam Noisewater, 22, took his own life yesterday by jumping from the top story of the big bank skyscraper downtown.
Upon searching Noisewater’s internet history (which happens to us ALL after we die, so try not to leave a digital trail of utter debauchery. Google searches of “bi-curious tranny Asians camel” most certainly WILL be read off during your funeral in front of your loved ones), investigators noted that a recently-visited sites log included participation in Buzzfeed’s popular “What Superhero Are You” quiz in addition to the online purchase of a Batman costume.
This critical data helped investigators easily piece together the events that led up to Noisewater’s death.
FBI agent Ralph Carswell explains: “Evidence collected by our detectives concludes that the deceased had taken one of those stupid quizzes that convinced him he was Batman which made him go so far as to buy a Batman outfit and attempt to jump off a tall building like the Dark Knight. Case closed.”
The deceased’s parents are preparing to file a mega-lawsuit against the original creators of Batman DC Comics, Christian Bale, Warner Brothers Studios Inc, Buzzfeed, his internet service provider, the inventor of the internet Al Gore, the computer manufacturer who built the computer he used to take the stupid Buzzfeed quiz, the online retail outlet who sold him the costume, the vehicle manufacturer of the car he drove to the building, the shoe company who made the shoes he wore on the way to the building, the bank building management, and finally, the elevator manufacturing company of the elevator he took to the top floor.
The Observer has also learned that Noisewater is now a front-running candidate for the 2014 Darwin Awards.
GOTHAM CITY—The Dark Knight. The Caped Crusader. The Bat Man. Whatever you want to call him, you call him that with a straight face and some respect because he takes the role of Gotham’s Protector very seriously.
So seriously in fact, that when he found out who would be playing him in the upcoming series of Batman/Superman movies he took to the underground media to voice his opinion on the topic:
“BEN AFFLECK….HAS BEEN IN MANY MOVIES….PLAYED MANY CHARACTERS….HE’S EVEN DIRECTED A FEW….HELL, HE EVEN….PLAYED ‘DAREDEVIL’ ONCE…..BUT THAT……DOES NOT SUFFICIENTLY….PREPARE HIM…..FOR THE ROLE…..OF THE DARK KNIGHT….JUST BECAUSE…..THE SUIT FITS….DOESN’T MEAN…..YOU SHOULD WEAR IT……I MEAN…..LOOK AT GEORGE CLOONEY……THAT…..WAS A TOTAL…..DISASTER…….AND VAL KILMER…….DON’T GET ME….STARTED….WHEN I SAW…..THAT PATHETIC EFFORT….I ALMOST CALLED…..THE JUSTICE LEAGUE….TO HAVE HIM…..EXTERMINATED…..LIKE A PIECE….OF GOTHAM CITY….TRASH…..THE AFFLECK ERA….WILL GO NO BETTER….CHRISTIAN BALE….MICHAEL KEATON….THAT’S WHERE IT’S AT…..”
And then, in a blink of an eye, he was gone. It is not unlike Batman to be very direct with his insight. He’s clearly against the Affleck decision. To please the Dark Knight, perhaps Hollywood should go another route? Not even Bryan Cranston as Lex Luthor can save this casting blunder.