Tag Archives: candle

Baseball-Sized Mosquitoes Now Fargo’s Second Pandemic

Carry a baseball bat to “deal with” baseball-sized mosquitoes!

Fargo, North Dakota – Planning any outdoor activities? Better bring a baseball bat!

Experts agree that this summer’s rainy pattern has been ideal for the formation of a bumper crop of unusually large mosquitoes.

Our Dr. Goombi Quist admits that “some of the mosquitoes in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area are so large that they don’t fit into the mosquito collection traps used by Vector Control.”

While citronella candles are flying off the shelves in a minimal effort to deal with the needle-nosed menaces, so too are baseball bats.

Dr. Quist reminds folks to make sure you don’t accidentally hit grandma in the head when madly swinging a baseball bat to kill a killer mosquito.

Naturally, all of the letters in Goombi Quist can be re-arranged to spell: Big Mosquito!

House-Warming Gift Ideas For The West Fargo And Fargo Area

Hi! Welcome to the neighborhood!

West Fargo, ND – If a new couple has just moved into your neighborhood, within the first two weeks after they’ve arrived, you should definitely show up unannounced at their front door during normal visiting hours, with a few nice house-warming presents.

This will not only satisfy all your curiosities about what your new neighbors are like, but will also allow them to get a good first impression of you and some of your idiosyncrasies.

Showing up without any sort of present is very gauche! Because you are expecting your new neighbors to invite you in for snacks and coffee or beer, having some sort of gift is certainly mandatory.

Specifically for the Fargo and West Fargo area, here are some great ideas for good house-warming gifts:

A Trump-scented candle to make America smell great again
Any animal about to be euthanized at the Humane Society
A list of all your phone numbers and email addresses
A box of doggy treats for canine family members
A partially redacted copy of the Mueller Report
A variety pack of different colored duct tapes
A framed autographed picture of yourself
An extra-large (unopened) bottle of booze
An old Bible from any second-hand store
A living, breeding pair of Sugar Gliders
A brand new submersible sump pump
A few of your favorite hotdish recipes
Season tickets to Bison football
Any Michael Bolton CDs
A few memory lanterns

FMObserver Lights Candle For World Peace

FMO's World Peace Candle has been lit to show that we care more than you.

FMO’s World Peace Candle has been lit to show that we care more than others.

West Fargo, ND – In observation of World Peace Month, your FMObserver has decided to light our Peace Candle for world peace.

In honor of those who have gone before us to fight for peace, we humbly bow to their efforts to provide us the opportunity to keep those hopes and dreams alive for future generations of peace fighters such as ourselves.

Hopefully our Peace Candle will be seen from Winnipeg to Wahpeton and beyond.

If you would like to donate to the cause, please stop by our corporate headquarters with cash or bitcoins.

We will make sure your donations are immediately reported to the IRS.

Next month we will be doing our annual Climate Change fundraiser at which both hot and cold appetizers will be served by members of the FMObserver kitchen staff.

If you have any suggestions for food items, please contact Mable McCook and speak slowly.

Marijuana-Scented Candles Frustrating Police

Wacky Wax

Wacky Wax

Fargo, ND – Police in Fargo say a recent uptick in disturbance calls can be attributed to the growing popularity of marijuana-scented candles.

Dispatchers estimate they have received approximately 420 complaints about strong marijuana odors in the last 6 months.

“There’s virtually no difference between the scent of marijuana smoke and the aroma of a marijuana candle,” explains Officer Bud Potter. “Because it’s our duty to investigate anything that smells suspicious in the area, you can imagine the time we’re wasting sniffing out these false alarms. The K-9 unit is totally confused, and we’re all just sort of dazed.”

The candles, which can slow burn for hours, are believed to have filtered in as gifts from Colorado hipsters who have roots in the area. Since the initial introduction, sources indicate that most of Fargo’s import shops now stock these ganja glowers, making the inflow of product nearly impossible to stem.

To complicate matters, area potheads have begun using the candles as smokescreens, taking advantage of their camouflaging effect.

Says Potter, “A typical night on patrol now includes the inevitable pie-eyed groups of weedies laughing hysterically as we stand in their flickering dope dens, unable to make any arrests. If I have to hear ‘The candle cops are here!’ one more time…Well, you get the picture.”

There is one upside to this Mary Jane drain on the police force, however. Potter begrudgingly admits, “I have to say, as much as I despise the dreaded cannabis call, it’s a heckuva lot better than dealing with the Downtown Barf Brigade. Given the choice between skunk and chunk, I gotta tell ya, I’ll take the skunk.”