Author Archives: Kitz

About Kitz

Contributing writer since February, 2014.

Marijuana-Scented Candles Frustrating Police

Wacky Wax

Wacky Wax

Fargo, ND – Police in Fargo say a recent uptick in disturbance calls can be attributed to the growing popularity of marijuana-scented candles.

Dispatchers estimate they have received approximately 420 complaints about strong marijuana odors in the last 6 months.

“There’s virtually no difference between the scent of marijuana smoke and the aroma of a marijuana candle,” explains Officer Bud Potter. “Because it’s our duty to investigate anything that smells suspicious in the area, you can imagine the time we’re wasting sniffing out these false alarms. The K-9 unit is totally confused, and we’re all just sort of dazed.”

The candles, which can slow burn for hours, are believed to have filtered in as gifts from Colorado hipsters who have roots in the area. Since the initial introduction, sources indicate that most of Fargo’s import shops now stock these ganja glowers, making the inflow of product nearly impossible to stem.

To complicate matters, area potheads have begun using the candles as smokescreens, taking advantage of their camouflaging effect.

Says Potter, “A typical night on patrol now includes the inevitable pie-eyed groups of weedies laughing hysterically as we stand in their flickering dope dens, unable to make any arrests. If I have to hear ‘The candle cops are here!’ one more time…Well, you get the picture.”

There is one upside to this Mary Jane drain on the police force, however. Potter begrudgingly admits, “I have to say, as much as I despise the dreaded cannabis call, it’s a heckuva lot better than dealing with the Downtown Barf Brigade. Given the choice between skunk and chunk, I gotta tell ya, I’ll take the skunk.”

“Yay, Another New Phonebook, Just What I Needed!” Said Nobody

Super Smart Use Of Trees

Super Smart Use Of Trees

Everywhere, USA – Over the last decade, nearly every facet of our society has embraced the concept of going paperless.

We’re encouraged – sometimes downright shamed – to reduce our paper waste by doing everything we can, from recycling paper products and paying our bills online to bringing our own reusable bags to the grocery store.

So how is it possible in this age of awareness and technology that, roughly every three months, a giant tome of totally unnecessary information printed in the world’s smallest font shows up again, unrequested, on our doorsteps?

The FMObserver is here to help with a few solutions for this outrageously outdated squandering of natural resources.

1. Send us your creative ideas for using extra phonebooks, which we will compile into a huge informational guide and distribute city-wide.
2. Hoard your phonebooks until June, when the FMO will use them for kindling at our Readers Appreciation Campfire & S’Mores Party.
3. (Recommended) Opt out of auto-delivery by going online to

We hope you’ll join us in the fight against excess in our community! Well, excess phonebooks, anyway.

Fargo Man Seriously Injured In Giant Jenga Accident

Jenga Jeopardy

Jenga Jeopardy

Fargo, ND – A fun night with friends took a terrifying turn after a Giant Jenga game suddenly collapsed, authorities say.

Fargo firefighters rescued local resident, Pete Saykes from the pile of Giant Jenga pieces around 2 a.m., about an hour after his last turn.

Friends remember that he seemed nervous and unsure about which piece to pull from the Jenga tower. “Pete just looked kind of freaked out,” said witness Jeremy Johnson. “He was walking around the game with this confused expression, almost like he knew something bad was going to happen.”

Another friend recalls Mr. Saykes having “a really hard time pulling his block out.” Seconds later, he was nearly buried alive.

Police say Pete Saykes was fortunate to survive the accident, and remind citizens to read the directions carefully when playing large-scale games.

The FMO was able to contact Giant Jenga’s creator, Uncle Leroy, in his shed behind the site of the accident. When asked about the incident, Uncle Leroy just stared at us for about a minute before walking away. He is presumed to still be in shock.

At press time, Mr. Saykes was reported to be “alive, but questionable”.

ND Measure 9 To Ban Happy Marriages

caption here

Measure 9 is right after Measure 8

Fargo, ND – Due to an avalanche of misleading language, hidden agendas and incompetent proofreaders, North Dakota’s midterm elections will now include a ballot measure that would outlaw all happy marriages.

Measure 9 reads:

This constitutional measure would create and enact a new section to Article Q of the North Dakota Constitution stating, “The inalienable right of every human being to have a miserable marriage at any stage of that marriage must be recognized and protected. No happy, joyous, or blissful domestic union may be recognized as a marriage without an appropriate level of misery.”

“Voters need to understand that the wording of Measure 9 is condensed and simplified for voting day efficiency,” claims Measure 9 sponsor Joe Straitt. “We don’t want folks worrying about the legal consequences of the language, that’s our job. Just have faith that we know what’s best for North Dakotans and their personal relationships. Yes on 9!”

An inside source admits, “Measure 9 has been rewritten so many times, no one can really remember what the original purpose of it was. We just keep supporting it because…well, what else are we going to do with all these posters, flyers, mailers, buttons, signs, flags, banners, pens, mugs, t-shirts and key chains? We’re invested here. Maybe not in a better future, but invested all the same.”

Early polling suggests that Measure 9 is gaining support from voters who identify themselves as “Ball-And-Chain Independents”. Stay tuned to The FMO for up-to-the-minute results.

Downtown Project Seeks To Turn Street Vomit Into Barf Art

Barf Art

Downtown Fargo Barf Art

Fargo, ND – The growing problem of vomit in the streets of downtown Fargo due to late-night binge drinkers has had city leaders’ stomachs churning for some time. However, a local group of forward-thinkers believe they have the solution: Barf Art.

With a project dubbed, “Regurgitation Appreciation: Let People Hurl”, or RALPH, the group proposes that downtown streets and sidewalks be covered in large white sheets of paper which people can barf all over, Jackson Pollock-style. The paper will then be collected, dried, framed, and put up for auction.

Proceeds from the Barf Art sales will likely benefit someone, but those details have yet to be released.

“Great art always elicits an emotional response,” explains project leader Chuck Upton. “Based on that idea, we think these pieces will be appropriately viewed as brilliant. For collectors in search of a statement piece, Barf Art will be organic and bold, yet intensely intimate. Struggling to find a gift for the person who has everything? Well, guess what? They don’t have Barf Art.”

Downtown bars and restaurants are being encouraged to contribute to the RALPH project by offering happy hour specials on drinks made with colorful liquors. Raspberry Kamikazes and Blue Hawaiians create drama and vibrancy in the art, while Bailey’s Irish Cream drinks add a subtle earthiness.

Free bar snacks, such as peanuts, pretzels, or chips and salsa will also be welcomed for their texture-rich qualities.

“We still have a few logistical snags to work out, but overall we’re super excited about the RALPH project,” raved Upton. “Our hope is that someday people all over the world will see barf on a wall and just know immediately…It’s Downtown Fargo!”

Gandalf Costume Sales Skyrocket As Area Dorks Prepare For Halloween

Lord of the Dorks

Lord of the Dorks

Fargo, ND – Local costume stores are reporting record sales for Halloween this year.

Top sellers include perennial favorites such as Spiderman, Snow White, and Satan, along with the usual Obama masks and kitten ears.

However, the most popular costume for Halloween 2014 is the “Gandalf”, which is flying off shelves like a wizard heading to Mordor on a giant eagle.

The FMO hit the streets to find out more.

SpookyWorld clerk, Wyatt Orcmann described the run on Gandalf costumes as “insane, dude”.

FMO: Can you expand on that?

WO: Well, like, it’s been crazy.

FMO: Yeah, we know what insane means. What’s been happening in your store?

WO: Dude, it’s like every dork in a thousand mile radio is dressing up for Halloween this year. If I have to hear “This is gonna be epic!” one more time I think I’m gonna go Ray Rice on somebody. Don’t tell my boss I said that.

FMO: Is it unusual for so many dorks to buy costumes?

WO: Yyyeeeeaaaaahhhh. Usually they just sit at home and videochat with their little chess buddies or something. Now they’re all up in my face saying crap like “Speak, friend, and enter” and “You shall not PASS!” Whatever, dude, like, go back to Hobbit Town or something, you little freak.

FMO: Interesting.

WO: Yeah, and then they get their stupid capes and wizard hats and they’re all like, “Run, you fools!” and I’m just like, good luck with your awesome college careers and great jobs someday, you little Frodo Bilbos or whatever. Seriously, man, what a bunch of dorks.

FMO: Right, dorks, got it. Well, thanks for the info, Wyatt. And Happy Halloween.

WO: Whatever, dude. I’m gonna go chill in my mom’s basement.

FDA Approves Ebola Vaccine Drink: Coca-Bola

Drink Coca-Bola!

Drink Coca-Bola!

Washington, D.C. – Amidst a rising tide of panic over the deadly ebola virus threat, the FDA has fast-tracked an experimental vaccine drink for mass public consumption.

Coca-Bola, which promises instant immunity against the horrific disease, will soon be widely available for all ages.

Individuals who don’t get the recommended daily allowance of soda in their diet are urged to drink as much of the serum as possible for maximum benefits. All other groups are advised simply, “Drink one can for every extra day you want to add to your life expectancy.”

FDA spokesperson Polly Tikker stated, “The United States government, in cooperation with the CDC, has been working nonstop to ensure the safety of our citizens against the impending armageddon of widespread ebola infection. When Coca-Cola executives stepped up and offered to join the fight for America’s health, it was a total no-brainer. Our confidence in the company was what allowed us to bypass all usual precautionary testing and just focus on saving the human race. As we say behind closed doors, when you’ve got the FDA and Coke in your corner, public health is no longer a concern.”

Since the groundbreaking formula for Coca-Bola is considered classified under the Homeland Security of Big Business Act, the FDA will not require its ingredients to be printed on labels. However, a government-sponsored ad campaign for Coca-Bola assures consumers by touting, “Drink a can of this, no bleeding orifice!” Insiders believe the slogan will be enough to erase, or at least obfuscate, any concerns about the product’s claims, side effects, or toxicity levels.

For more information, visit:

American Medical Journal Identifies New Disease Epidemic: Mediabetes

Smarter phones. Dumber people.

Smarter phones. Dumber people.

Washington, D.C. – Research from the American Medical Association has uncovered a new disease silently plaguing our society: Mediabetes. Mediabetes is defined as a condition in which the brain’s inability to produce enough of its own creative ideas causes elevated levels of moronic thoughts in the mind.

Renowned neurologist, Dr. Helena Hanbasquet, describes the recent explosion of mediabetes in the U.S. as “extremely concerning”. She adds, “The potential for complete and utter societal disintegration definitely exists. Mediabetes is not only more rampant than previously thought, it is also proving to be nearly impossible to treat. Among my colleagues, patients with the disease are referred to as BURNS, which stands for Basically Untreatable Really Neanderthal Stupid. That about sums it up.”

“We’re seeing more and more people stumbling through our emergency room doors with no discernible clue what’s going on,” says Dane Jerrus, EMT. “Most of them have lost their smartphones or tablets, which precipitates a total shutdown of all mental function. It’s like Night Of The Living Dead sometimes. Seriously.”

Dr. Hanbasquet has created the website, which offers tips for preventing Mediabetes, symptoms of the disease, and a short test to determine your risk factors. Test questions include:

Do you believe reality TV is real?
Do you tweet more than 250 times per day?
Has it been longer than a week since you spoke to a real person?

Hanbasquet urges that all Americans who still know how to read visit immediately. “Together, we can put an end to this terrible disease. Or at least pass legislation ensuring that BURNS can no longer drive, purchase firearms, post online, own a home, or procreate. Either way works for me.”

Butterfinger Cancels “Official Candy Bar Of The Russian Army” Contract

Butterfinger says "Nyet"

Butterfinger says “Nyet”

Geneva, Switzerland – Following the crash of Malaysian flight MH-17 over eastern Ukraine Thursday, Nestle’s Butterfinger brand has cancelled its lucrative contract with Russia’s Military as the “Official Candy Bar of the Russian Army”.

In a statement released earlier today, Nestle CEO Saul Lessman explained, “Although the details of this terrible tragedy are still unknown, Nestle and its subsidiaries have made the difficult decision to end our partnership with the Russian Military.  Our company is troubled by reports surrounding this event, and feel the Butterfinger-Army connection may be inappropriate at this time.”

Lessman was quick to quash rumors that other contracts around the world were in jeopardy.  “To our stockholders, rest assured that this incident has no bearing on Nestle’s other international partnerships.  Baby Ruth remains the “Official Pro-Life Snack” worldwide, and our Pixy Stix continue to be extremely popular as “Taliban Treats”.  Closer to home, Colorado has recently adopted Laffy Taffy as the “Official State Candy” and we are very close to a sweet deal with the Los Zetas Cartel regarding our $100,000 Grand Bar.”

After losing the coveted ISIS account to Hershey’s last month, Lessman seemed hopeful about Nestle’s future in the region. “We feel that our swift action with Butterfinger has maintained the integrity of our brand for upcoming ventures.  That’s our motto: Integrity.  Well, that and, Nobody’s Gonna Lay a Finger on my Butterfinger.”

ND Leaders To Tribal Councils: Please Stop Doing Rain Dances

Dancing For The Rain

Dancin’ in the rain

Fargo, ND – With standing water in ditches and mosquitos breeding fast in waterlogged North Dakota, state and city leaders are urging Native American communities to cease practicing their ritual rain dances until further notice.

“We’re beyond soaked,” said Representative Flo Anderson. “Our state and our citizens desperately need a break from the downpours. All we’re asking is for the tribes to start doing some other kind of dancing until we can dry out a little. Sun dances. Wind dances. Break dances. Anything but rain dances. Folks are tired.”

One especially problematic issue is the growing frequency of “Splash Mobs” within the state. Organized via social media, these large groups of tribal rain dancers are spontaneously popping up all over North Dakota. The results are wreaking havoc on regional weather patterns.

According to Vern Drencher of the National Weather Service, “The collective power of the Splash Mob creates meganimbus events unlike anything we’ve seen before, dropping 6 to 8 inches of precipitation in under an hour. We’ve been monitoring this phenomenon in the Spirit Lake area for some time. However, the Native American youth are taking it to a whole new level. And that spells W-E-T for you and me.”

The FMO caught up with tribal spokesman, Jeremiah Raincloud, who, after listening to this story, smiled, tipped his hat to us, and said absolutely nothing.