Tag Archives: disease

The Forty Mental Stages Experienced During Pandemic Isolation

Everyone goes through the same 40 psychological stages during extreme isolation.

Psychiko, Greece – As many of us are living through our first global pandemic, it might be helpful to be aware of the stages we’re likely to be going through during a long period of isolation.

Dr. Reta Naquin has listed in order the 40 mental stages that you are likely experiencing while self-quarantining in order to avoid getting and spreading the Corona Virus.

Dr. Naquin in her own words: “The 40 Stages Of Prolonged Extreme Isolation are listed here in the order they usually occur.”

“They are grouped into four phases. Try to find where you are in this progression to help see what lies ahead for you.”

PHASE ONE
1. anxiety 2. controlled laughter 3. fear of the unknown 4. on cloud nine 5. feeling invincible 6. depression 7. euphoria 8. feeling excited 9. germaphobia 10. grumpy attitude

PHASE TWO
11. talking to yourself 12. crying 13. diminished impulse control 14. general gloominess 15. wanting to exercise 16. loneliness 17. hoarding 18. loss of memory 19. trying to set goals 20. sullen

PHASE THREE
21. weight loss 22. irritability 23. wanting to unclutter 24. feeling stuck in purgatory 25. lack of focus 26. on top of the world 27. deep misery 28. near insanity 29. extreme confusion 30. major elation

PHASE FOUR
31. hallucinations 32. nightmares 33. overly long meditations 34. panic 35. unusual weight gain 36. violent shaking 37. uncontrolled laughter 38. wanting to exorcise 39. severe hoarding 40. total madness!

Interestingly, all the letters in Reta Naquin can be re-ordered to spell: Quarantine!

Pandemic Social Distancing, North Dakota Style

Do like the Lone Ranger did: Don’t get within gunshot distance of anyone!

Medora, ND Serious times require serious measures, which is why North Dakotans are being asked to stay as far away from each other as possible.

How far is considered safe?

Well, the definition of a plain is one tree per square mile, and this is a good guide for ideal social distancing in North Dakota during pandemically trying times.

Take a lesson from the Lone Ranger, who never contracted any social diseases during his entire career as the Lone Ranger.

Legend has it that the Lone Ranger never got within a mile of anyone, except when he was going out on a date, when he allowed himself to get within shouting distance of the lady.

This would also explain why the Lone Ranger never had any children.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Asked To Help Fight The Corona Virus

Super heros to fight super virus!

Super heroes to fight super virus!

Atlanta, GA – The Trump Administration is wisely asking the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for assistance in fighting the Corona Virus War.

President Trump is personally calling upon the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Team to lead our country’s fight against the latest spreading viral threat.

“As this Corona Virus is really starting to go viral, it totally makes sense to have the team of Leo, Mikey, Raph, and Donnie be on the front lines to battle this sick Corona Virus because these Super Turtles have a natural immunity to the Corona Virus,” tweets the president.

The FM Observer has also learned that one possible option on the table is for those who have contracted the Corona Virus to be placed in comfortable Governmental Sick Camps where they can be cared for by the Turtle Team, while being completely quarantined safely away from the rest of society.

Corona Virus Now Treatable With Extra Lime

Use two limes to protect yourself against the deadly Corona Virus.

Corona, SD – With another disease heading our way from China, our very own Dr. Orvin Caruso who lives and works in Corona, South Dakota is already well ahead of this new and potentially deadly virus.

Dr. Caruso first points out that the Corona Virus is a meat-eating virus since the letters in 🅲🅾🆁🅾🅽🅰 🆅🅸🆁🆄🆂 can be quickly mutated into spelling: 🅲🅰🆁🅽🅸🆅🅾🆁🅾🆄🆂

Orv goes on to explain that since we now know that the 🅲🅾🆁🅾🅽🅰 🆅🅸🆁🆄🆂 is of the 🅲🅰🆁🅽🅸🆅🅾🆁🅾🆄🆂 type, its spreading can be effectively quelled by using an extra lime with your Corona, like pirates did to prevent scurvy.

“Instead of one lime, simply use two,” Dr. Caruso spells out, as if we’re all back in first grade.

Amazingly, all of the letters in “Orvin Caruso” can be mutated into spelling: Corona Virus!

Local Hospitals Reporting Increasing Numbers Of Gogopox Cases

What should you do if you think you’ve gotten the Gogopox? 1. Don’t panic. 2. Don’t panic! 3. Don’t panic!!

Moorhead, MN The first of many new 21st century diseases is making its presence known in the Midwest.

Many over-crowded area hospitals are now reporting a sudden spike in the number of serious cases of Gogopox.

This rare pox-type disease is believed to have mutated from the British eating horse meat at certain unnamed fast food McRestaurants in their country.

The Gogopox then quickly spread via the Internet to any locales using an unprotected wifi router whose installer had not changed the default password that was shipped from the manufacturer.

What are the symptoms of Gogopox? This viral infection which is highly contagious has a wide variety of symptoms, so wide that literally ever symptom in the book could be a sign of Gogopox.

Is there a cure to the Gogopox virus? Well, of course, there’s a cure to everything if you have enough money. But for the hoi polloi, the answer is NO.

What to do if you contract Gogopox? Call the toll-free hotline at 1-800-GOGOPOX and ask to speak with someone who speaks your language.

Lime Disease Traced Back To Margarita Happy Hours

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Lime Disease linked to jumbo on-the-rocks margaritas!

Rochester, MN – At the Hellmann’s Mayo Clinic, researchers have positively linked Lime Disease to the excessive drinkage of lime-flavored margaritas.

Scientific data shows that people who consume multiple jumbo lime margaritas (usually during those discount-priced happy hours) are sixty times more likely to get Lime Disease than their non-margarita-drinking counterparts who religiously attend church choir practice.

Q: Can you still get Lime Disease if you don’t drink the jumbo lime margaritas?

A: Yes, of course you can. However, the chances of that happening are about as good as John Kasich getting to 1,237 delegates before the GOP convention.

Q: Is there anything that jumbo lime margarita drinkers can do to lessen their chances of contracting the dreaded Lime Disease?

A: No, not really, except perhaps to maybe join a church and volunteer to religiously sing in the church choir. Another tip would be to avoid attending any outdoor concerts where disease-carrying ticks might be waiting to bite into you just like someone who is hungry enough to eat a horse would bite into McDonald’s new McPony Sandwich.

Zika Test Now Available

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Thankfully, a new Zika Test is now available to help fight against the Zika Virus Disease.

Bismarck, ND – A new Zika Test is now available. Most of the test results so far have been quite negative. State epidemiologists are hoping for more positive results in the future. In cooperation with the FM Observer, Dr. Carola Runquist has put together this simple, new Zika Test which can be self-administered in the privacy of your own home.

Zika Test

1. What is Zika?
A: A new dance craze from Brazil.
B: Ford’s new hybrid car.
C: A popular dog name.
D: Something that is very, very bad.

2. How did Zika get the name Zika?
A: From King Zika, inventor of the hammock.
B: During a scramble game in Florida.
C: From the phrase: Zika solution to the problem.
D: Name of a forest in Uganda.

3. What does Zika stand for?
A: Zoom In, Kick Ass
B: Zombies Imbibe Kool Aid
C: Zambian International Knife Association
D: Zika Invasion Killing America

4. When/How was Zika first discovered?
A: During the 1951 filming of ‘African Queen’.
B: When Columbus discovered America.
C: By accident at 3M’s Post-it Division.
D: By a captive sentinel rhesus monkey in 1947.

5. What does Zika cause?
A: Microcephaly.
B: Adult paralysis.
C: Societal panic.
D: All of the above.

6. How is Zika carried/transmitted?
A: Through the U.S. Postal Service.
B: Over talk-show radio waves.
C: By Amazon delivery drones.
D: By amazon mosquitos.

7. Where does Zika occur?
A: At pinochle tables in retirement homes.
B: In co-ed dorms of state universities.
C: Deep within the Earth where fracking occurs.
D: At mosquito-infested tropical resorts.

8. How do people catch Zika?
A: By sneaking up on it with a large butterfly net.
B: With a glove while sitting in the foul ball section.
C: By using high-speed cameras while sitting in trees.
D: Bitten by mosquitos that also carry chikungunya.

9.What are the symptoms of Zika?
A: Weight gain after joining Weight Watchers with Oprah.
B: Violent shaking followed by periods of extreme agitation.
C: Dryness of humor along with wetness of socks.
D: Pyrexia, arthralgia, conjunctivitis, and lethargy.

10. How is Zika treated?
A: With as much respect as possible.
B: As if human survival depends on it.
C: Suggested daily trips to the Dairy Queen.
D: With pain meds, rest, and drinking plenty o’ water.

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The answers to all twelve questions is shown on this stone obelisk.

11. What can I do to protect myself?
A: Wear a hazmat suit at all times.
B: Sign up for LifeLock Ultimate Plus.
C: Watch Dr. Oz Show every day.
D: Prevent getting bitten by mosquitos.

12. Should I avoid travelling to Zika areas?
A: Concentrate and ask again.
B: Better not tell you now.
C: Reply hazy, try again.
D: Signs point to Yes.

MN Pond Scum Being Sold As Organic Herbal Muck

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Miraculous Medicinal Muck

Somewhere, Minnesota – A group of resourceful environmental herbologists with a special knack for marketing organic health products will soon be selling pond scum (Pondis Scumius Major) carefully gathered from certain hard-to-reach Minnesota pond areas.

Packaged as Organic Medicinal Muck (OMM), this amazing herbal pond scum has been shown by OMM-certified scientists to possibly have some sort of effect on people who suffer from a wide spectrum of diseases, including: •Amebiasis •Brucellosis •Coxsackie Virus •Dengue Fever •Ehrlichiosis •Fifth Disease •Glanders •Histoplasmosis •Impetigo •Jejunal Atresia •Kawasaki Syndrome •Listeriosis •Monkeypox •Nongonococcal Urethritis •Osteoporosis •Psittacosis •Q Fever •Ringworm •Shigellosis •Tularemia •Urticaria Pigmentosa •Vancomycin Resistant Enterococcus •West Nile Virus •Xerophthalmia •Yersiniosis and •Zoonoses.

Organic Medicinal Muck will be available in many different user-friendly forms: •Raw (straight from the pond) •Dehydrated •Ointment •Salve •Pill •Capsule •Gelcaps •Extract Concentrate •Soap •Tea •Burgers •Cake •Shake •Snortable Powder (only available in some states) •Injectable Medicine •Facial Cream •Doggie Biscuits •Cleaning Pads and as •Acrylic Paints.

If you are a motivated self-starter who would like to sell Organic Medicinal Muck door-to-door, please apply in person at any of the OMM branch offices.

Company president Dr. Paplo Poinbank says: “These products practically sell themselves, plus OMM can also be used as a mantra for your next relaxation meditation.”

Miraculous ElderHaus Magically Cures Whatever Ails You

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ElderHaus to be torn down.

Moorhead, MN – It’s the oldest building in the motley city of Moorhead.

Known as just ElderHaus, everyone who’s ever stayed there claims it has magical powers to rid one’s body and mind of all sorts of ailments and afflictions.

Housemother Rigletta Azmoff has hosted ElderHaus for the last forty years.

“People seeking a cure to a wide range of physical and mental problems need only spend one night sleeping in ElderHaus. They usually pay whatever they can afford. Guests then simply go to bed and wake up feeling 100% fantastic! I’ve seen ElderHaus help with everything from Assburger Syndrome to Phlebitis.”

Unfortunately, ElderHaus will have to be demolished later this year due to a legal loophole in the Unaffordable Care Act.

Federal Regulator Ivan Nashtikov admits it’s too bad that the old building has to be razed but “the law’s the law.”

Government To Begin Grouping People Into “Sick Camps” By What Diseases We Have

This group of people all have the same disease. Guess which one.

All of the people in this group have the same disease. Can you guess which one?

Washington, DC – With the help of the CDC (Centre for Disease Control), Big Government will soon be organizing communities into groups of people based on what diseases we have.

Since Big Government already has access to all of your private medical records, the group you will be in has already been decided upon by your local community organizing Obamacare Navigator.

People with similar disease profiles will eventually all be bussed to a special Sick Camp specifically designed just for that group, where they will be provided afforable healthcare based on their income levels and past voting records.

So, as the new year approaches, make sure your bags are all packed and that you and your other family members are all ready to be separated for an “undetermined amount of time” so that Big Government can help you help yourself.