Tag Archives: chronic wasting disease

The Forty Mental Stages Experienced During Pandemic Isolation

Everyone goes through the same 40 psychological stages during extreme isolation.

Psychiko, Greece – As many of us are living through our first global pandemic, it might be helpful to be aware of the stages we’re likely to be going through during a long period of isolation.

Dr. Reta Naquin has listed in order the 40 mental stages that you are likely experiencing while self-quarantining in order to avoid getting and spreading the Corona Virus.

Dr. Naquin in her own words: “The 40 Stages Of Prolonged Extreme Isolation are listed here in the order they usually occur.”

“They are grouped into four phases. Try to find where you are in this progression to help see what lies ahead for you.”

PHASE ONE
1. anxiety 2. controlled laughter 3. fear of the unknown 4. on cloud nine 5. feeling invincible 6. depression 7. euphoria 8. feeling excited 9. germaphobia 10. grumpy attitude

PHASE TWO
11. talking to yourself 12. crying 13. diminished impulse control 14. general gloominess 15. wanting to exercise 16. loneliness 17. hoarding 18. loss of memory 19. trying to set goals 20. sullen

PHASE THREE
21. weight loss 22. irritability 23. wanting to unclutter 24. feeling stuck in purgatory 25. lack of focus 26. on top of the world 27. deep misery 28. near insanity 29. extreme confusion 30. major elation

PHASE FOUR
31. hallucinations 32. nightmares 33. overly long meditations 34. panic 35. unusual weight gain 36. violent shaking 37. uncontrolled laughter 38. wanting to exorcise 39. severe hoarding 40. total madness!

Interestingly, all the letters in Reta Naquin can be re-ordered to spell: Quarantine!

Pandemic Social Distancing, North Dakota Style

Do like the Lone Ranger did: Don’t get within gunshot distance of anyone!

Medora, ND Serious times require serious measures, which is why North Dakotans are being asked to stay as far away from each other as possible.

How far is considered safe?

Well, the definition of a plain is one tree per square mile, and this is a good guide for ideal social distancing in North Dakota during pandemically trying times.

Take a lesson from the Lone Ranger, who never contracted any social diseases during his entire career as the Lone Ranger.

Legend has it that the Lone Ranger never got within a mile of anyone, except when he was going out on a date, when he allowed himself to get within shouting distance of the lady.

This would also explain why the Lone Ranger never had any children.

Corona Virus Now Treatable With Extra Lime

Use two limes to protect yourself against the deadly Corona Virus.

Corona, SD – With another disease heading our way from China, our very own Dr. Orvin Caruso who lives and works in Corona, South Dakota is already well ahead of this new and potentially deadly virus.

Dr. Caruso first points out that the Corona Virus is a meat-eating virus since the letters in πŸ…²πŸ…ΎπŸ†πŸ…ΎπŸ…½πŸ…° πŸ†…πŸ…ΈπŸ†πŸ†„πŸ†‚ can be quickly mutated into spelling: πŸ…²πŸ…°πŸ†πŸ…½πŸ…ΈπŸ†…πŸ…ΎπŸ†πŸ…ΎπŸ†„πŸ†‚

Orv goes on to explain that since we now know that the πŸ…²πŸ…ΎπŸ†πŸ…ΎπŸ…½πŸ…° πŸ†…πŸ…ΈπŸ†πŸ†„πŸ†‚ is of the πŸ…²πŸ…°πŸ†πŸ…½πŸ…ΈπŸ†…πŸ…ΎπŸ†πŸ…ΎπŸ†„πŸ†‚ type, its spreading can be effectively quelled by using an extra lime with your Corona, like pirates did to prevent scurvy.

“Instead of one lime, simply use two,” Dr. Caruso spells out, as if we’re all back in first grade.

Amazingly, all of the letters in “Orvin Caruso” can be mutated into spelling: Corona Virus!

Local Hospitals Reporting Increasing Numbers Of Gogopox Cases

What should you do if you think you’ve gotten the Gogopox? 1. Don’t panic. 2. Don’t panic! 3. Don’t panic!!

Moorhead, MN The first of many new 21st century diseases is making its presence known in the Midwest.

Many over-crowded area hospitals are now reporting a sudden spike in the number of serious cases of Gogopox.

This rare pox-type disease is believed to have mutated from the British eating horse meat at certain unnamed fast food McRestaurants in their country.

The Gogopox then quickly spread via the Internet to any locales using an unprotected wifi router whose installer had not changed the default password that was shipped from the manufacturer.

What are the symptoms of Gogopox? This viral infection which is highly contagious has a wide variety of symptoms, so wide that literally ever symptom in the book could be a sign of Gogopox.

Is there a cure to the Gogopox virus? Well, of course, there’s a cure to everything if you have enough money. But for the hoi polloi, the answer is NO.

What to do if you contract Gogopox? Call the toll-free hotline at 1-800-GOGOPOX and ask to speak with someone who speaks your language.

Santa’s Deliveries In Jeopardy As Rudolph Has Chronic Wasting Disease

Rudolph is sick and Santa has irritable bowel syndrome.

Rudolph is sick with Chronic Wasted Disease as is evidenced by the dark spots on his ears, antlers, and nose.

North Pole, Alaska – Christmas authorities are expressing serious concern over a recent report from SantaLand that Rudolph is suffering from the dreaded Chronic Wasting Disease.

Tis believed that Rudolph may have contracted this often fatal disease while partying with an outside herd at the Extreme Reindeer Games in Asspen, Colocado.

A snowy Santa spokeself sadly said that “Rudolph has been acting much like a couch potato lately, just laying around all the time, munching on Pringles Sour Cream Potato Chips and watching endless reruns of the Twilight Zone.”

As such, hundreds of the “nice” children around the world may not be getting any presents delivered from the real Santa this Christmas.

Of course, all the “naughty” children wouldn’t have gotten anything anyway so this doesn’t really affect them, now, does it?