Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

NASCAR to Implement Performance Enhancing Chemical Testing

Juicing?

Juicing?

Charlotte, NC – Our sporting era is one of constant concern and worry stemming from PED use and the speculation regarding which athlete is cheating and which isn’t. With only one out of the big 3 professional sports organizations (MLB) currently conducting a sensible PED testing program, the use of chemical supplements is thought to be at an all-time high.

This has NASCAR executives worried. Worried not so much about the drivers, but of the cars themselves. Basically, the nation as a whole is very curious as to why Jimmie Johnson finishes in the top five, like, all the time, so NASCAR fans and executives alike have been pushing to implement vehicle Performance-Enhancing Chemical (PEC) testing.

Now that NASCAR has developed what they call a “mission-appropriate testing system that won’t disrupt the flow of races too much”, the in-race screening will take place effective immediately. PEC testing will happen only during races, completely at random, as a means to bust illegally juiced-up cars.

Each pit crew will contain a NASCAR official who will execute quick and efficient PEC tests on vehicles during pit stops. He or she will test for helium in the tires, Red Bull in the fuel tank, SuperCOOL engine coolant, galvanized-lithium lugnuts, etc.

The PEC official will be aggressively pursuing these performance enhancers and many others—all of which are both highly effective and highly illegal. Any vehicle that is caught “juicing” will be handed down a swift punishment that is likely to involve driver suspension.

NASCAR hopes this will level the playing field for all the drivers and their respective vehicles. We will see if Jimmie Johnson is just that good or if his Lowe’s #48 has been crushing PECs.

Carrot Top To Visit Afghanistan In Peacemaking Venture

Top, Carrot

Top, Carrot

Las Vegas, NV – Dennis “The Worm” Rodman, fresh back from his visit to North Korea, says to the press that “Kim Jong-un just wants Obama to call.” Although this saga is far from over, it teaches us a simple lesson: Sometimes all you need to do to make peace is reach out and touch someone.

Not one to be outdone, famous prop-comedian Carrot Top is making efforts to bridge the gap between these United States and the war-torn country of Afghanistan.

Top will be having his passport stamped en route to a visit with top Al-Qaeda brass this week in what he’s calling a “follow-up to what the Worm did” so eloquently in North Korea. Top states that “laughter is the best medicine” and that “all those terrorists need is a series of visual prop jokes” to ease their hatred for our country.

Top, with help from the CIA, is slated to arrive at a secret Al-Qaeda hideout as early as this Wednesday. He will ride in on a camel and be armed to the teeth with his trunk full of props in an effort to win over the terrorist organization.

If anyone can do it, Carrot Top can. Godspeed, ye hilarious redhead!

UPDATE: Driving Dog Monty Refused Bail After Arrest

Stop resisting!

Stop resisting!

Auckland, New Zealand — Human law enforcement is being tough on Monty, the famous car-driving schnauzer. Recently, Monty has been serving time in tha Dogg Pound after being detained for the charges of speeding and resisting arrest.

The long-legged lapdog was popped by a New Zealand patrolman for driving well over the speed limit, and upon confronting the officer, allegedly became belligerent. A detailed account of the day’s events was provided by the arresting officer:

 

“I asked the suspect numerous times how fast he thought he was going. He said nothing; just sitting there drooling. After he refused to answer any of my questions, I became agitated. I told him he needed to step out of the car. That’s when he started resisting. I opened the door to detain him and he began growling, snarling at me, like some kind of animal! I had no choice but to call for backup and forcefully arrest the uncooperative perp.”

 

The arrest preceded a court appearance in which Monty, barking angrily at the judge while his lawyer answered questions, was denied bail due to unnecessary courtroom outbursts bordering on contempt.

How unfortunate. What was once considered a unique story of a dog bridging the canine-human gap has now turned ugly. We sincerely hope they teach Monty how to ‘speak’ and ‘shake hands’ before things get really out of control and he ends up serving hard time.

Drive-thru Coffee Shop Peep Show Shut Down

Please pull forward to the first window (for the naked)

Thank you, drive thru (for the naked)

Everett, WA – As initially reported by Reuters, three Seattle-area baristas have been taken into custody for selling cleave, bush and nip shows via the Grab-N-Go drive-thru windows in which they worked.

Citizens in the area became (for some reason) agitated over this alleged ongoing peep show taking place in their wholesome(?) drive-ups. Reports finally came in to police headquarters, prompting an investigation.

The unnamed baristas-turned-strippers had been under investigation by Everett City Police for a period of weeks. A very detailed, thorough operation containing multiple trips through the Grab-N-Go peep shop.

Many, many exchanges of money for skin were initiated by undercover police. Officers began to grow very suspicious when some peculiar drive-thru menu items were added:

  • Venti Titty Latte – $19.95
  • Iced Skinny Bushy Frappucino – $29.95
  • Grande Titty Bushy Blended Coffee – $49.95

The three skinny skin saleswomen were placed under arrest after undercover police gathered enough evidence to build a case. Visual evidence, monetary transactions, coffee with a side of titty, etc.

UND Announcer Actually Suspended For Making Blunt Observation

6275360206_4b98ee148d_zGrand Forks, ND – In a tale that made national headlines in Bristol, CT via ESPN dot com, University of North Dakota men’s basketball play-by-play voice Paul Ralston was suspended for offering a piece of ACTUAL CANDID INSIGHT on what took place during a home game. Ralston was yanked for 2 games after calling what happened with the Sioux a “choke job” during a post-loss interview with the hoops team head coach.

If you’ll remember, Minnesota Twins commentator Bert Blyleven received very similar punishment (5 games suspended, which is a much smaller percentage of the season) for eliciting not one, but TWO consecutive mega-F-bombs live on the air during a big league baseball broadcast.

Bert cussed loudly and to a far-reaching audience, not realizing he was live on air. Paul made a simple observation with the use of widely-known sports slang terminology knowing that he was being heard by the masses and realizing that this is not a thing anyone involved in sports should ever be punished for.

The Observer did not bother reaching out to UND brass for comment, as this story pretty much speaks for itself.

This news comes not as a shock, but a glaring misrepresentation of what the United States Constitution calls “freedom of expression” somewhere in one of those silly amendments people often forget exist.

What Came First: The Bad Driver or the Blizzard?

How did this happen?

How did this happen?

Fargo, ND – Every year at this time Old Man Winter flexes his bulging biceps. Snowmageddon wreaks havoc on us all during blizzard season. We give the blizzard a snow prediction, a warning, even a name.

Weather is happening sideways this month, striking angst and fear into the F-M area. Fear that turns to recklessness behind the wheel as we watch multiple-car pileups happen on our highways. Drivers get dumber with each passing snowstorm…or do they? Does the blizzard make us dumber or were we just that dumb to begin with? Let’s break it down…

Inclement weather causes some of us to panic. Panic makes us overreact. When we overreact, we over-correct things. Over-correcting leads to mistakes which lead to accidents while driving.

THEREFORE: Weather=car accidents. Weather caused the stupidity that caused the accident.

HOWEVER: One could argue that the person who overreacted was a horrible driver to begin with. One could say that the snowstorm was merely the jolt they needed to completely lose it and spin out into a ditch.

“You should’ve slowed down! Don’t you know any better??”

NO. They made a small series of poor driving decisions in a short amount of time due to a preexisting condition of poor judgement.

big beard = real smart

big beard = real smart

Two totally different arguments. On one hand, the weather caused you to wreck. On the other hand, poor judgement caused you to wreck. Which argument is correct? Who or what can we blame for that multiple-car pileup?

To find the answers, we asked a guy with a beard:

“People are inherently stupid. The amount of intelligence a person possesses is directly related to the amount in which they choose to learn. So, you see, the answer lies within you. Let me see your palm. Here. Eat this. It will give you the truth you desire.”

Beardo gave me what looked and smelled like illegal drugs.

So there you have it. There is no right or wrong answer− the truth lies within each and every one of us. Those are some words to live by.

Fargo Man Arrested For Clearing Snow With Flamethrower

Maximizing time and efficiency!

Maximizing time and efficiency!

Fargo, ND – Local resident Todd Fox has been detained for “reckless endangerment” and “illegal use of high-powered fire-breathing weaponry” for attacking snow with his flamethrower. Fox reportedly became so fed up with the week-long blowing snow epidemic in his area that he decided to KILL IT WITH FIRE.

The neighborhood was treated with quite a show last night as Fox unleashed an inferno upon the mountainous snow palace that was his front yard. Neighbors to his immediate right and left noticed a bright orange cloud and could hear what they thought was “puff the magic dragon spewing mayhem all over hell,” which prompted one of them to notify police.

Fox stated that he was simply “fed up with battling the elements” and that he did not possess the willpower necessary to move “four billion tons of white bull shit.”

Police say that Fox surrendered his efforts immediately upon their arrival and that his front yard “looked like a hydrogen bomb had gone off.” They think he was just happy to be done with snow removal, even if it did mean a trip to jail.

New North Dakota License Plate Ideas

Fargo, ND – There has been much deliberation regarding efforts to project a new state image after a proposal to change the state name was shot down. Now, state legislators are batting around an idea to try redesigning the state license plate.

The current design depicts a quaint view of the summertime prairie, with a buffalo grazing in peaceful solitude:

Not accurate at all, as the climate in ND is at least 60/40 cold & shitty to warm and inviting

Not accurate at all, as the climate in ND is at least 60/40 cold & shitty to warm and inviting

Legislators brought the idea of change to the table after one of the good old boys took a gander at that aged design and thought, “A might bit sick of seeing this on all the cars. Doesn’t look right anymore.” Now they are weighing the cost of such a redesign as well as possible ideas for a new slogan.

Ideas for a new slogan, you say? The Observer can help with that. Here are a handful of slogans we’d like to see grace the top of the North Dakota license plate:

  • “The Earth Is A Giant Snowball” – Winter seems to be literally endless, with an inches-thick sheet of snowpack covering every inch of the ground.
  • “We Have More Budget Money Than You” – Enough money to spend millions on a license plate redesign, that’s for sure.
  • “Land Of 10 Bazillion Oil Barrels” – Like Minnesota’s slogan “Land of 10,000 Lakes” but cuz of all the black gold they’re sucking out of the ground.
  • “Best Fracking State In The Union” – This slogan truly speaks for itself.
  • “If Winter Doesn’t Kill You, The Flood Will” – Because on a yearly basis, we do battle with both. Every year. Every year, the Earth literally tries to murder you.

Residents are brainstorming ideas for this proposed change as we speak. Some are good, some are not so good. If you’d like to submit your license plate idea to the Observer, please list it in the comments section below or on our facebook page at facebook.com/FMObserver. Submissions are always welcome!

NPR article/interview: Best Fracking State In the Union

Interview With Max Cavalera of SOULFLY


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If you’re familiar at all with the underground metal community, you’ve heard of Max Cavalera. He’s been hard at work writing and performing his own brand of ferocious, unapologetic heavy metal for almost 30 years.

This month he takes his band SOULFLY on the road through North America. They will be accompanied by his stepson Richie Cavalera’s band INCITE and his sons Igor and Zyon Cavalera’s band LODY KONG. The “Maximum Cavalera Tour” makes its stop in Fargo on February 27th at the House of Rock. I caught up with Max to get his insight on the upcoming tour and his most recent SOULFLY album:

LISTEN TO THE INTERVIEW HERE: Max_Cavalera_Interview_2122013

Nick Hirchert: Thanks for taking some time to talk with me. You’ve got less than a week until you hit the road again…

Max Cavalera: We actually leave tomorrow. We start the tour tomorrow in San Diego. We’re very excited about the Maximum Cavalera Tour. The whole family on tour again. It’s gonna be great, man, we’ve got Zyon playing drums for SOULFLY which is gonna keep it more in the family. We’ve got a killer setlist prepared. A lot of great songs. It’s good to be back on the road again. I’m just excited to be back on the road. It’s been too long, if you ask me.

Nick: Fantastic. When was the last time you played a show?

Max: Two months ago I was in South America with CAVALERA CONSPIRACY with my brother Igor and before that, I was with SOULFLY in Europe. About five months ago we did a big European tour, so, it’s about time to get back on the road here. I gotta ask you, is it cold there? Like real cold?

Nick: (laughs) You don’t wanna know, man! 

Max: Oh, yeah, I wanna know! (laughs)

Nick: It snowed so bad a couple days ago that they had to shut the entire city down the following day. 

Max: Holy crap!

Nick: It was a disaster!

Max: Wow. So, I better get some warm clothes then, huh?

Nick: Yeah, bring a parka if you’ve got it, maybe some long underwear… (laughs)

Max: Whoa, yeah, I am packing right now, so…after this interview I gotta go pack! (laughs)

Nick: The Maximum Cavalera tour follows up the release of your newest album “Enslaved”. What can you tell us about the new record? Is this Soulfly as we’ve come to know it or are there new innovations to your band’s sound?

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Max: “Enslaved” was a big step forward for SOULFLY. It was a heavier record, a very extreme kind of record. Some of the stuff even sounds like death metal which is really cool. I’ve been listening to a lot of stuff like that, bands like I DECLARE WAR, MOLOTOV SOLUTION, ACACIA STRAIN, PSYCROPTIC. So I wanted to make a heavier record because i’ve been into a lot of this new heavy kind of stuff and, of course, my love for death metal goes way back to the SEPULTURA days, so it was really kind of cool to make a record like that. I think it surprised a lot of fans who didn’t expect it.

We’re gonna open the show with “Plata O Plomo” this time, which is totally different. It’s a song that Tony and I sing in Spanish and Portuguese. That’s gonna be really cool and different. I’m really looking forward to this tour. We’re gonna play songs from all the SOULFLY records, even some SEPULTURA stuff and NAILBOMB which is a project I did with a lot of people. I got to dig up some different SEPULTURA songs to play, like “Straighthate” which is the first song I worked on when I did the “Roots” record. My son, Zyon wanted to play “Straighthate” during the set, so I think it’s gonna be great, man. It’s gonna be fun having the whole family on stage with me.

Nick: You have three sons (stepson Richie: INCITE, sons Igor and Zyon: LODY KONG) touring with you in their respective bands for this round of dates. How would you best describe their style of music?

Max: INCITE is more like LAMB OF GOD which is really great. I love that kind of style. I love that energetic kind of metal. It’s also melodic with really cool guitars on it and Richie is a killer frontman. I think he does a really great job. LODY KONG is completely different from everything else. They’re kind of like FUDGE TUNNEL, like THE MELVINS or MASTODON. Punk-metal, kind of heavy. I am so proud that both bands are completely different from what I do. That’s what I think is cool about our family’s bands. LODY KONG and INCITE sound nothing like SOULFLY and we’re all together on the same tour. That is gonna make the whole package different.

Nick: I agree. I’m really looking forward to it. You’ve got a pretty decent mix here and you keep it all in the family, so that’s excellent. “Enslaved” contains a song titled ‘Revengeance’  that credits contributions from you, Richie, Igor and Zyon. How did that song come about?

Max: There was an idea to do a family song. We decided to write about their brother Dana who was murdered in 1996. It has really deep, heartful lyrics. Each one of us wrote our own verses for the song and we’re all singing the chorus together. It was a very special day in the studio and the song turned out really killer. I love the energy of it, and it’s one of my favorite parts of the SOULFLY show when we all come together and do ‘Revengeance’ because it’s the end of the set. I see a lot of people taking pictures when I do that song. It’s great. We play that every night. I’m looking forward to the tour. I can’t stay home that much. If I stay home for more than 2 weeks I go crazy! I feel at home when i’m on the road, man, the road is my home. I love it. I’ve been on the road for 30 years now doing this shit. You get used to it, become addicted. I still love touring. Going from city to city, meeting the fans, playing the show, watching out the window of the tour bus. All that is part of the great experience of being on the road.

Nick: In the past, you’ve collaborated in-studio with some of the biggest names in rock. Did anyone lend their talents to the new album?

Max: Yeah, with SOULFLY, every record has at least 2 people from bands that I like. On the new record we had Travis from CATTLE DECAPITATION on “World Scum” which is a heavy, heavy song and there was a song with Dez (Fafara) from DEVILDRIVER. I know Dez from back in his COAL CHAMBER days. They used to tour with SEPULTURA. Dez is a great guy. We did “Redemption of Man By God” which is a religious kind of song. The next record that i’m working on in the studio later this year i’m recording with Terry Date, who is a great producer who did work with SOUNDGARDEN, WHITE ZOMBIE, PANTERA. I’m so excited to actually work on a whole record with him. That’s gonna come out next year and have 2 other guests. I don’t know who they are yet. It’s a blessing to be able to do these collaborations.

Nick: That’s very unique, to be able to share your talents in studio.

Max: I’m not competing with anybody. To me, it’s more about sharing the love of your music with your friends. That’s what’s great about being a musician. We are all a part of something. Metal unites everybody, from here to Singapore, to Japan, to Indonesia. Metal is metal. When you see someone with a black shirt and camouflage pants in the airport, you know this guy is metal so you can say ‘what’s up’, you know? That’s what’s great about it and what I love about collaborations. I get to work with my favorite people. Bands like CATTLE DECAPITATION–that’s not a huge band, but I love their music. They don’t need to be as big as METALLICA to work with me.

Nick: You recently made an appearance on the video game Grand Theft Auto IV by way of some downloadable content; DJ-ing for the “Blood Fire War Hate Death Metal Show” featured on one of the in-game radio stations. What was that like?

Max: It was great. I got to be a DJ on a radio station so I got to play a lot of my old favorite death metal songs I grew up with in the 80s and 90s. I play a lot of ENTOMBED, MORBID ANGEL, CARCASS, NAPALM DEATH, KREATOR. A lot of stuff that young kids today don’t know about. Without those bands, there wouldn’t be newer stuff like SUICIDE SILENCE and LAMB OF GOD–they all came from these kind of bands. I don’t really play video games much myself, but it was fun to be part of it, to be invited to do that.

Nick: With Soulfly, you put forth a very unique sound with Brazilian influence, what one could call tribal metal. Songs about war and fighting oppression. What would you say inspires your songwriting?

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Max: Through the years it started with SEPULTURA, the album “Arise” (1990) was the first time we kind of did that. There’s a jungle intro on “Arise” for the song “Altered State”. After that, we got more interested in Brazilian, started listening to more of our native sounds. We thought it’d be cool to mix metal with tribal rhythm. Not a lot of people were doing that back then so it was kind of unique. We were pioneers of it, and it felt cool to do it. “Roots” (1996) was big. We did that in a big way. We recorded with a tribe in Brazil, did an amazing collaboration with a real tribe in Brazil. It was so awesome. When I did “Soulfly I” (self-titled album, 1998) I continued the Brazilian element. I was working with the guys from CHICO SCIENCE on that record. I really like the style that came out on “Soulfly I” and it continued, but through the years I didn’t want to repeat myself. I kept looking for different things. That’s why I did albums like “Prophecy” and “Dark Ages” that were more thrash, heavier. Then “Enslaved” which is more death metal just because I always wanted to keep doing something different.

Nick: I understand you’re putting together an autobiography? Can you give us an update on that?

Max: Yeah, i’ve been working on it the last 2 years, man. It’s been great, been a lot of work. Nonstop interviews. It’s going to be very, very detailed. Stories from childhood, the creation of SEPULTURA, then the creation of SOULFLY to everything i’ve been through. There’s some funny stuff, like Lemmy (Kilmister) pouring whiskey on my head. I call that my “baptism”. I said I was baptized by Lemmy when he did that. Of course, he was doing that to get rid of me (laughs). There’s a lot of fun stuff like that. Interviews with a lot of cool people in bands. Tom Araya, Chino from DEFTONES, Sean Lennon, Sharon Osborne. The introduction of the book is gonna be done by Dave Grohl. He loves “Roots” as one of his favorite records ever. It’s gonna come out before the end of the year. I can’t wait for people to read it. It explains a lot of facts people don’t know about me, like why I really left SEPULTURA. The real reason behind it.

Nick: You’ve been writing and performing heavy metal music pretty consistently since the mid 80s. What advice would you give to any musicians eager to follow in your footsteps?

Max: I think first thing, you’ve got to love what you do because it’s a hard road. I still, even today…we’re not millionaires. Nobody makes millions of dollars. We do this because we love it. We struggle like a lot of people do, you know. We have garage sales and shit like that at my house to try to make ends meet, man, especially now that people don’t buy CDs. It became harder and harder in music, but you survive just getting by. It’s the love of music. It’s your joy. For me, when I grab my guitar and write riffs, it’s a great feeling. I get satisfied just doing that and when I know that thousands of people are gonna hear that on record that gets me excited to do more and to keep doing it. I’ve been doing this for 30 years. It’s been amazing. I wouldn’t change my life for anything. I’ve been blessed to be in a famous band, SEPULTURA, then got out of there and got to be successful with the 2nd band. Not many people have had that chance. Most people just get one shot, but I had a 2nd shot with SOULFLY and took it and made it through. It’s a lot of hard work, man. You’ve got to be committed. Got to be ready to do everything; ready to do what the other person will not. That’s what makes the difference between making it or not; you’ve got to be ready to do the things the other person will not do.

The Maximum Cavalera Tour hits the House of Rock at the Hub in Fargo on 2/27. BUY TICKETS HERE

Stay in touch with Max and his band SOULFLY:

Official site: www.soulfly.com

On Twitter: 

Facebook fan page: facebook.com/SOULFLY

Three coincidental numbers prompt man to quit job

THE DEVIL!

THE DEVIL!

Nashville, TN – A god-fearing (or satan-fearing, depending on how you look at it) man in Tennessee quit his job the other day after his company W-2 form came through stamped with the numbers 666. Walter Slonopas got the H-E-double hockey sticks out of that obviously possessed workplace after he noticed the very frightening sequence of numbers.

Walter spoke with The Tennessean about his admittedly bizarre circumstance, telling them that “The Bible calls 666 the number of the beast” and that he could “either go to work, or go to hell.” After feeling Satan’s icy grip slide around his throat, Walter decided to jet. For good.

Contech Casting, the company he worked for, stated that it was merely the order in which the W-2 forms went out and that the presence of the number was a complete and utter coincidence. They also stated that it was a coincidence that Walter was assigned the very same eerie number to clock in with in 2011 when he began his employment.

I can’t say I blame Walter for bolting like that. I mean, if I saw the numbers 69 appear on my W-2, i’d probably think that Gina from Accounting wanted to have sex on me. And if the number zero came through stamped on my papers? I’d feel like my life had no meaning and would probably fall into a pit of depression. But if I was magically graced with the number 1 on my forms? I’m on top of the world. There would be no stopping me.

Life is all about meaningless numbers, you guys.