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​Wealthy Benefactor Offers Conditional Money For Two Red River Valley Counties

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King Poladian Cordeiro of Cyprus

Las Vegas, NV – King Poladian Cordeiro of Cyprus has announced a conditional offering of very large sums of money for two lucky counties in the Red River Valley of the North.

King Cordeiro of Cyprus is offering Cass County $1 Billion for building the Red River Diversion project.

However, the Diversion project must be completely finished by October 31, 2021 or Cass County will owe the King twice his offer.

Separately, Poladian Cordeiro is offering Grand Forks County $500 Million if they can get UND’s team name changed back to the Fighting Sioux by January 1, 2021.

When asked why these generous offers for North Dakota, Poladian Cordeiro explained that he loves the movie Fargo, and he used to play hockey for UND.

New UND Mascot Needs A Name!

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You know my name. Say it! Say my name!

Grand Forks, UND – It’s time once again to put on your politically correct thinking caps to help name UND’s chosen mascot.

The winner of the mascot naming contest could possibly win a trip to Grand Forks (and the second place award would be two trips to Grand Forks).

You can leave your mascot name idea as a comment or email it to us at: fmobserver@gmail.com

Or, you can just vote for one of the following ten choices which have all been graciously pre-approved by the NCAA:

Choice X1: Flippy
Choice X2: Flip, The Bird
Choice X3: Fighting Sue
Choice Y1: Suzie
Choice Y2: Sioux-Z
Choice Y3: Beak
Choice Z1: Hawkeye 2.0
Choice Z2: ​T​he Bird
Choice Z3: P.C.
Choice Z4: Mascot

If voting for an NCAA pre-approved name, please use its official Choice Code (ie: X2) and also include a reason or nostalgic story why you think this should be the wiener. How will I know if I won? The UND mascot will land on your roof and fly you to Grand Forks for the swearing-in ceremony, after which you will be a guest in its nest.

Cancellation Of UND Women’s Hockey Was Just A Bad April Fool’s Joke

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UND sincerely apologizes for joking that the Women’s Hockey program had been cancelled.

Grand Forks, ND – As many expected, the recent announcement that the famed UND Women’s Hockey program at the University of North Dakota was just a complete fake-news hoax.

It turns out that the university’s decision makers simply wanted to play a big joke on the top-notch world-class Women’s Hockey program but did not think that anyone would believe it.

But unfortunately, they took the joke too far and everyone including the Women’s Hockey Team and coaches all believed the poorly-planned hoax which its perpetrators now admit was very “mean and stupid”.

Even though the UND Women’s Hockey program has actually not been cancelled, there is one bit of follow-up news that might turn a few heads: The UND Men’s Hockey program will be cancelled due to financial problems at the school, along with the fact that they recently suffered a stunning double-overtime loss to Boston University in Fargo.

UND Offering Classes On How To Wake Up And Get Out Of Bed

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UND’s new WAKE UP & GET UP program is like “trying to push a rope”.

Grand Forks, ND – The University of North Dakota has decided to offer special classes for its students on how to literally wake up and physically get out of bed.

After noticing that a majority of students were not attending early morning classes, school officials came up with the novel idea of teaching how to effectively wake up and get up especially during the hibernatory months of winter.

Ms. Camari Greer who is Acting Vice Chancellor of the Student Affairs Relations Commission tells us that sleeping in during classes is “a threat to our democracy” and “must be properly addressed in no uncertain terms”.

We asked some random students some random questions and got some very random answers:

Thiago Gawkroger who is supposedly studying Social Calculus admits to missing at least a functional derivative of his classes because “they’re just too darn early in the morning! To make it to my 9:50 class, I’d have to wake up by nine o’clock!”

Valentina Jaxon who’s planning on majoring in Art History and Art Garfunkel says that since the very first class which she did attend (but fell asleep in), she has not made it to any of the other lectures which start at 8:20 AM.

Questions for follow-up small-group discussions:
1. What do you think about this somnolent situation?
2. How do you feel about teaching classes to wake up?
3. What would you do if you were the Acting Vice Chancellor?
4. If you only had one year to live, what would you do?
5. What advice would you give yourself three years ago?
6. Is there something important you need to tell your family?
7. What’s stopping you from reaching your full potential?
8. What do you see yourself doing in 80 years?
9. What do you need to eat less of and why?
10. What are your inner voices telling you to do right now?

UND Having Second Thoughts About Their Name Change Decision

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The UND Backdoor Lumberjacks!?

The UND Backdoor Lumberjacks!?

Grand Forks, ND – Ever since the Fighting Sioux officially changed their name to the Fighting Hawks, there has been much regret and many second thoughts on the name change.

Yes, twas probably time for the Fighting Sioux to change their name due to growing political correctness powers building up pressure over time.

But, the choice on Fighting Hawks is certainly not sitting well with a majority of folks who care deeply about the school’s past and future.

The name that most people wish they would had changed to is: The Backdoor Lumberjacks.

A recent poll of four people shows that about 75% of former “Fighting Sioux” fans prefer The Backdoor Lumberjacks over the Fighting Hawks.

Surprisingly, because of these sentiments, there is now some hope that a second name change can and just might occur.

How do you feel about a second name change for the Fighting Sioux, to the Fighting Hawks, to The Backdoor Lumberjacks?

New UND Nickname And Logo Soon Announced: The Sundogs!

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New UND Sundog Logo

The New UND Sundog Logo

Grand Forks, ND – With the Fighting Sioux nickname found to be too politically incorrect and the top vote-getter “North Dakota” being thrown out by The Committee, it looks like those with the power to decide are leaning toward: The Sundogs!

Since the term “Sundog” has so much meaning and history associated with the University of North Dakota, it seems like the obvious logical best choice.

“The UND sports teams are bright spots on the halo surrounding the University as are Sundogs around the Sun,” says one anonymous committee member who has no past association with UND in any way.

Ironically, another committee member, whose dog recently went to the vet and had a neck cone put in place to prevent it from licking its wounds, noticed that the cone looked like a beautiful sun halo around Barf’s head. “Hey, Barf looks like a Sundog!”

Early polling indicates that almost all Fighting Sioux alumni think Sundogs is a wonderful replacement name and cannot wait the for official announcement to come.

Some Rejected UND Nicknames Maybe Worth Another Look

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caption here

Sitting Bull still standing outside The Ralph

Grand Forks, ND – With the Fighting Sioux nickname being run out of town by the NCAA, the Grand Forks Herald recently made available the list of all the submitted alternative nicknames for UND.

Some of the ideas that were submitted are being considered to be finalists, and naturally, some are not. Let’s face it: not every one can be a winner.

Here is a list of the Top 20 nickname ideas submitted by sports fans which the FM Observer feels are the best ones NOT making the cut. Let’s call these the Best-of-the-Worst! They are in no particular order and followed by the fan’s explanation.

TOP 20 BEST-OF-THE-WORST UND NEW NICKNAMES:

Alcoholics Anonymous: We can share our love of alcohol with the entire community while inspiring the area to get past any problems with alcohol.

Flying Squirrels: Have you ever walked on campus? They are everywhere!

Fricking Frackers: It’s obvious. ND was headed for oblivion and then came the fracking energy boom. Fracking is paying the bills. The mascot could be the poison symbol found on toxins. Would be uniquely North Dakotan. Very catchy!

Emergency Room Werewolves: Honors the medical school while adopting a mascot which will not offend any group.

Libtards: Because Libtard Assfuckery has cost the people of ND millions so far. Why not more?

Jackalopes: The fictitious animal lobby is not very strong so this nickname should stand for a while.

Fighting Asparagus: Because UND is green and asparagus can inspire the fans. Veggies are good.

Choke Artists: Every year they can’t win a title.

Saltine Crackers: Mild, white, and underwhelming, this name aptly embodies the culture of the university.

Fighting Attorneys: UND has a great law school and students can chant Sue! Sue! Sue!

Drunk Fighting Racists: Perfectly encapsulates ALL North Dakota fans as well as being a throwback to the old Fighting Sioux nickname you insensitive assholes.

SmallPox: Because it killed the Sioux.

Zombies from UNDead: Zombies are really “IN” right now. The mascot/nickname would be EPIC!

Road Conditions: First listing when I Googled: “North Dakota”.

Land Sharks: Sharks are noble animals that defend their home territory with vigor. They don’t make sense on the Great Plains so the “Land” is added.

Moderate Muslims: Not a real thing so no one can claim offense.

Wood Ticks: How ticked off would a wood tick get if a wood tick would get ticked?

Here are a few extra submissions that apparently needed no explanation:
Backdoor Lumberjacks
Feral Farmers
Puck Sluts

LEAKED: New University of North Dakota Team Logo/Nickname

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University of North Dakota Fighting Sperm Whales

University of North Dakota Fighting Sperm Whales

Grand Forks, ND—Sources have confirmed the existence of a newly revamped UND sports team jersey! This photo, leaked by an insider at the University of North Dakota, shows a rough depiction of a team hockey jersey embroidered with the word SPERM and what appears to be a giant sperm whale.

Team executives have been working in conjunction with the NCAA to implement a new, contemporary, non-offensive nickname for the University. It looks like they’ve hit a home run here.

While this leaves virtually nothing to the imagination, we still have to speculate whether or not the next UND team nickname will be the Fighting Sperm Whales. All things considered, the whale species pictured is definitely a sperm whale, and the lettering above the whale is absolutely S-P-E-R-M.

This being said, sports team broadcast announcers are said to be working feverishly on new in-game catch phrases:

  • “Sperm slam it home!”
  • “That’s a whale of sperm!”
  • “Spermtastic!”
  • “Sperm gonna getcha!”
  • “When a man and a woman love each other very much…”
  • “Sperm found the egg! It’s all over!”

Locals are excited to finally have a nickname for their beloved team.

UND hockey fan Sandra Crabapple:

“Sperm whales? Cool! That’s not offensive or gross at all.”

UND football fan Terry Noisewater:

“I can’t wait to yell about sperm during games!”

While there is no timetable for the return of a team nickname and logo, this new evidence suggests we will be screaming the name of the mighty sperm whale sooner rather than later.

UND Announcer Actually Suspended For Making Blunt Observation

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6275360206_4b98ee148d_zGrand Forks, ND – In a tale that made national headlines in Bristol, CT via ESPN dot com, University of North Dakota men’s basketball play-by-play voice Paul Ralston was suspended for offering a piece of ACTUAL CANDID INSIGHT on what took place during a home game. Ralston was yanked for 2 games after calling what happened with the Sioux a “choke job” during a post-loss interview with the hoops team head coach.

If you’ll remember, Minnesota Twins commentator Bert Blyleven received very similar punishment (5 games suspended, which is a much smaller percentage of the season) for eliciting not one, but TWO consecutive mega-F-bombs live on the air during a big league baseball broadcast.

Bert cussed loudly and to a far-reaching audience, not realizing he was live on air. Paul made a simple observation with the use of widely-known sports slang terminology knowing that he was being heard by the masses and realizing that this is not a thing anyone involved in sports should ever be punished for.

The Observer did not bother reaching out to UND brass for comment, as this story pretty much speaks for itself.

This news comes not as a shock, but a glaring misrepresentation of what the United States Constitution calls “freedom of expression” somewhere in one of those silly amendments people often forget exist.