Tag Archives: school

New School For Gifted Children Requires Quantitative Proof That A Child Is Gifted

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Honeybrook School For The Gifted

West Fargo, ND – The “city on the grow” will soon be adding a brand new state-of-the-art school just for gifted children.

Honeybrook School will be the best school in the country for children of all ages who are deemed to be gifted.

Applicants will be rigorously tested and interviewed to determine which get admitted to Honeybrook School For The Gifted.

Based on their age, each applicant to Honeybrook will be tested and given a score of 1-10 in 25 different categories with the highest possible score being 250.

Here are the 25 categories an applicant will be scored in: ability to follow directions, abstract reasoning, activity level, alertness, attention span, concentration, creativity, critical thinking skills, curiosity, energy level, frustration level, imagination, interests, inventiveness, language, learning speed, memory, observation, problem-solving skills, processing of information, reactions to noise, reading, retention, sense of humor, and vocabulary.

Any child with a test score of 200+ will qualify to attend Honeybrook School For The Gifted.

In case you’re wondering, the team name at this school for the gifted is the Honeybrook Gifs (pronounced Jifs).

Mute Man Learns How To Communicate By Using A French Horn

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After being born, he learned how to horn.

Elk Horn, Iowa – When Lon Terhark was born, he was unable to vocalize, officially making him a mute.

But luckily for Lon, his school band director encouraged him to take up playing French Horn.

Now, Lon Terhark has learned how to use his French Horn to communicate.

He has even met a woman who also uses her French horn to blow messages to Lon.

Whenever the two resort to swearing, they jokingly say: “Pardon my French horn!”

After the two get married, they would like to quietly start their own business selling decorative Christmas hornaments.

Not surprisingly, all of the letter in Lon Terhark can be blown to spell: Horn Talker!

Kindergartener Hitchhikes Home After School Bus Drops Him Off 75 Miles From Home

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School bus driver drops young Fargo kindergarten boy off in Valley City.

Valley City, ND – A Fargo child who was attending his first week of kindergarten somehow mistakenly got dropped off in Valley City by the school bus that was to bring him home.

The child eventually did get back home by hitchhiking the 75 miles because he had “seen how to hitchhike on TV.”

The boy’s parents, who were already totally freaking out when their young boy was not on the after-school bus, freaked out even more upon discovering what had actually happened.

The bus driver claims he did not know the boy was still on the bus.

The company that owns the bus (whose slogan is “We put the bus in business!”) says it sadly regrets and strongly denies that it ever happened.

The boy, who is doing fine, says Valley City looked like a very nice place to possibly move to when he gets older.

Moral of the story: If your bus driver is dumb, you can get home with your thumb.

Typo Insurance Company To Offer Typo Insurance

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Skool is Shcool :o)

Grand Froks, ND – A new insurance company named Typo Insurance Company is now offering insurance for typos that may have seriously expensive consequences.

Company president Ms. Courtney Spina says: “We saw a need in society and are simply trying to phill that knead.”

President Spina points out some good examples of bad typos for which they have paid out insurance claims:

1. Numerous SHCOOL crossings 🙁

2. A big welcome sign that said: Welcome to GRAND FROKS!

Good books begin with a pee-face.

3. Large orders of shirts for the FORGO FARCE hockey team.

4. A massive printing of books that began with a PEEFACE (instead of a preface).

If you suffer from typophobia, give Typo Insurance Company a call and ask for a quote, such as: “You drink to much!”

Ironically, all the letters in Courtney Spina can be re-arranged to spell: Typo Insurance!

Fargo Dog School Successfully Teaching Young Dogs To Communicate In English

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Just imagine your dog being able to converse in English!

Fargo, ND – A new dog school now teaches young dogs how to read and understand English as a first or second language.

Scientific studies have proven that graduates of this Dog School in Fargo can comprehend English spoken to them as commands (ie: Stop biting me!) and also just conversational chit-chat such as “How are you doing?”

Dogs that have completed two semesters of study have an understanding of English equal to a third grade child, while four semesters will put your doggy speaking and understand the English language at the tenth grade level of their human counterparts.

If you are interested in enrolling your puppy in Fargo’s Dog School but would like to first see a demonstration, every other Wednesday at the Fargo Public Library graduates of the Dog School will proudly show you that they can not only understand spoken English, but also speak, read, and even write it.

FMObserver Soon To Open University Dedicated To Teaching Fake News

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West Fargo, ND – A dream of our FMO Founding Fathers will soon come to pass: Having our very own university entirely focused on teaching every asspect of Fake News.

What began as a basic remote summer camp with a few tents will soon proudly be a full-scale university with doors, toilets and even a secretary or two.

FMO University will be the first fully accredited school in the USA offering undergraduate and overgraduate degrees in fake news, satire, creative writing, writing therapy, libel, and humor. Students can focus on one area of study or any combination therein/thereof.

Doctor Jock Livingstone: “As Dean of the FMObserver Univershity, I’m so very proud to represent the future of Fake News for generations to come, as mankind travels down the pathology to its own destiny in the iClouds. You can bet your sweet bippy that this wonderful school of higher learning will be attended by my kids, their kids, and their kids’ kids, and so on and so forth, so help me God.”

UND Offering Classes On How To Wake Up And Get Out Of Bed

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UND’s new WAKE UP & GET UP program is like “trying to push a rope”.

Grand Forks, ND – The University of North Dakota has decided to offer special classes for its students on how to literally wake up and physically get out of bed.

After noticing that a majority of students were not attending early morning classes, school officials came up with the novel idea of teaching how to effectively wake up and get up especially during the hibernatory months of winter.

Ms. Camari Greer who is Acting Vice Chancellor of the Student Affairs Relations Commission tells us that sleeping in during classes is “a threat to our democracy” and “must be properly addressed in no uncertain terms”.

We asked some random students some random questions and got some very random answers:

Thiago Gawkroger who is supposedly studying Social Calculus admits to missing at least a functional derivative of his classes because “they’re just too darn early in the morning! To make it to my 9:50 class, I’d have to wake up by nine o’clock!”

Valentina Jaxon who’s planning on majoring in Art History and Art Garfunkel says that since the very first class which she did attend (but fell asleep in), she has not made it to any of the other lectures which start at 8:20 AM.

Questions for follow-up small-group discussions:
1. What do you think about this somnolent situation?
2. How do you feel about teaching classes to wake up?
3. What would you do if you were the Acting Vice Chancellor?
4. If you only had one year to live, what would you do?
5. What advice would you give yourself three years ago?
6. Is there something important you need to tell your family?
7. What’s stopping you from reaching your full potential?
8. What do you see yourself doing in 80 years?
9. What do you need to eat less of and why?
10. What are your inner voices telling you to do right now?

Boy Gets Suspended From Skool For Saying ‘Shih Tzu’

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If it walks like a Shih Tzu and barks like a Shih Tzu, it’s probably safer to call it a Chinese Lion Dog.

Moorhead, MN – The day did not go the way young Raven Tufano was expecting. After doing his normal early morning routine which included taking his dog for a walk, he then headed off to school.

The teacher asked Raven’s class what different kinds of dogs they could think of. She started off by mentioning a German Shepherd since her husband was a police officer.

Raven raised his hand and said his dog named Skipper was a Shih Tzu.

After the class stopped laughing, the teacher asked “What did you say, young man?!” Raven repeated the fact that their dog was a Shih Tzu.

The next thing Raven knew was he was sitting in the principal’s office who was calling the boy’s parents discussing a possible one week suspension from school for swearing and class disruption.

Lesson to be learned: When in proper company, refer to a Shih Tzu as either a Chrysanthemum Dog or a Chinese Lion Dog.

Moral of the story: There’s a difference between being honest and being tactful.

NDSU Changing Its School Song To: We Are The Champions!

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While striving for 6 consecutive championships, Bison fans will be cheering for: The Joy Of Six!

Fargo, ND – Ever since the third verse of the NDSU Bison school song was found to have some “troubling” lyrics, the search has been on to pick a replacment song for “The Yellow and the Green” which was written by Archibald Minard and Clarence Putnam back around 1908.

NDSU is now extremely proud to announce that its new official school song is: We Are The Champions!

This ever-popular song was written by the late, great Freddie Mercury and introduced to the world by the band Queen in 1977.

After five straight national championships by the NDSU football team, We Are The Champions seems to be the perfect new school song for The Bison. In fact, Freddie Mercury said that he was actually thinking about football when he wrote the song.

With their new school song behind them, the NDSU Bison will now seek to extend their championship run to six straight winning trips to Frisco, Texas.

For this quest, the NDSU Bison football team is also announcing their new official slogan for this next year: The Joy Of Six!

Boy Drives Entire Family Nuts Practicing Trumpet

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Practice doesn’t always make perfect.

Trumbull, Nebraska – When Daniel Boddington first decided that he wanted to become a trumpet player in the school band, his family was so happy and excited.

Daniel’s parents spared no expense and bought him a brand new Bach TR300H2 300 Series golden trumpet.

Even though the new young trumpeter diligently practiced at home starting early every morning and until quite late every night, the sounds he produced unfortunately never really started to noticeably show any signs of improvement.

One neighbor described Daniel’s trumpet playing as “a cross between a semi truck’s sad sick air-horn crying out because it just lost its mate and some very bad loud gases being expelled at a flatus festival”.

How does Daniel Boddington’s family feel about his trumpet playing now?

Well, his father has gone completely mad, his mother just completed Phase II of a total nervous meltdown, and all of Daniel’s siblings are sponsored by Xanax and currently are bottoming out on opioid addiction.

As far as the school band, everyone is invited to attend their Spring Concert in which the band director has proudly chosen Daniel Boddington to play a five-minute solo during the piece which is entitled The Call Of the Trumpeter Swan.