Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

Twins Baseball Preview: Ron Gardenhire promises to lose at least 80 games in 2012

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Fort Myers, FL – In the midst of Minnesota Twins baseball spring training, skipper Ron Gardenhire is already making some bold predictions for the upcoming 2012 season. When asked how he thought his team looked so far this preseason, Gardy had this to say:

“I’d like to think we’ll contend for last place in the American League again this year, but personally, I think barely missing a Wild Card berth is more realistic. That’s going to require us losing quite a few games. If we really band together as a ballclub and play as lousy as we did in 2011, i’d say we could lose as many as 80 games this year. With the M&M boys (Mauer & Morneau) looking sluggish and overpaid and a shaky pitching rotation that includes a very suspect bullpen, we will lose 80 games or more. That’s a guarantee.”

Gardy went on to say that he thinks that the Tigers are loaded and will definitely sweep the Twins this year and win the division.

Struggling website Google+ threatens suicide

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Mountain View, CA – In a not-too-surprising outcry stemming from lack of acceptance, the struggling social networking website Google+ has been audibly lamenting ever being born with threats of self-harm and suicide. The abandoned website was recently seen on a Super Bowl commercial pandering for attention as well as other small TV spots advertising its “hangouts” feature which only truly works as a novelty. This futile effort to garner attention has left the website feeling downtrodden and alone. It had this to say:

“Maybe i’ll just go away. Maybe then you’ll all like me. I’m going to kill myself. I think I might do it. I THINK I MIGHT DO IT! Helllooooooo??? Anybody there?? ANYBODYYYY??? Ok, ok. Sorry. I’m cool now. It’s all good, guys! Let’s have a Hangout! (silence)….guys…..? HELLLOOOOOOOOOOO???”

In a time when social networking is becoming more and more accessible and people from across the world are gaining access to smartphones and internet with greatest of ease, one of the most popular brand names on the internet is having the hardest time finding social networking acceptance. Hey, Google+, when you finally pass away from Chronic Internet Obscurity Disease and go to website heaven, say hi to Google Wave for us.

Rush Limbaugh

Rock 102 FM’s news radio makeover causes expected uproar

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Fargo, ND – Was there ever any doubt that residents occupying the broadcast area of the Rock 102 FM radio frequency would voice their discontent over the channel’s new talk radio format changeover? Not in the slightest. Regular people like you and I have made their voices heard to the Observer over what many have labeled a “totally pointless and unjustified” switch-over from Rock 102 to Talk 101.9 FM:

Randy, West Fargo:

– “Four straight hours of Rush every day?! Hell yeah! [singing] FLY BY NIGHT!! Wait…what? Rush LIMBAUGH?? Aw, come on! Buzzkill!!!”

Elise, Fargo:

– “Oh, wow, this is terrific. If I wanted to hear a fat blowhard spew misogynistic hate venom at me for 4 hours every day in crystal clear audio i’d have dinner at my in-laws’ house.”

Bret, Fargo:

– “Q98 plays the same crap lineup of recycled one-hit-wonders from the 90s and early 2000s on a daily basis. Pathetic. One less competing rock station gets me that much closer to boycotting radio altogether.”

Adam, Mapleton:

– “What’s Rock 102 FM?”

Steven, Casselton:

– “I’m pretty sure if you fire Scotch, Tank and Ginger, you’re going to lose 3 talented radio personalities to a competing station. That, or lose 3 radio personalities and gain 3 cart-pushers at Hornbacher’s. Hey-ooo!!!”

This expected turn of events has me wondering: When will it end? Will the city of Fargo keep descending into utter pop culture obscurity until there’s nothing cool around to celebrate, thus turning everything here so pathetically lame that i’m forced to make fun of it until i’m run out of town? Only time will tell.

Dumpster Diver Fargo Moorhead

Tales of a Struggling Economy: Garbage Peddler Pete Wrigley, Jr.

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Dumpster Diver Fargo MoorheadFargo, ND – The less-fortunate have fallen on even harder times than we could have possibly imagined. As evidenced by the photo shown here, a downtown Fargo area transient was exposed recently as an utterly shameless trash peddler.

Area homeless Pete Wrigley Jr., who was once only thought of as a panhandling street urchin, was spotted yesterday in a 2nd avenue apartment dumpster trying to peddle common throw-aways to passersby. Mr. Wrigley made every effort to sell me food waste and other “valuables” out of a dumpster he appeared to have transformed into a makeshift vendor’s booth.

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No, I don’t want to purchase that empty cardboard box

Wrigley was clearly rummaging around in a back-alley dumpster but this trash bin did seem to look much like a magazine stand that one would find on a New York City street corner which must have been why he found it so appealing.

This is what it has come to, people. In a rock-bottom economy, transients have been reduced to selling our own rank garbage back to us. What a disgusting act of desperation! If you see Pete sifting through the rubbish of a neighborhood trash receptacle any time soon, don’t call the police. Instead, immediately notify the Observer. If he tries to sell you anything gross and/or useless, don’t pay more than asking price.

“March Madness” Defense Fails Miserably In Court

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Fargo, ND – The Observer is surprised to learn that yet another hapless defendant and his bumbling pro bono lawyer went with the “March Madness” defense, only to get laughed at by a veteran judge who has definitely seen this type of idiocy before. The defendant, on trial for vehicular manslaughter, had his lawyer go with this as a last-ditch effort in an attempt to sway the jury’s decision in his favor:

“But, your Honor, you know what it’s like. The frenzy of the tournament and all…I guess my client let all this March Madness get the best of him, heh heh.”

The presiding judge was not the slightest bit amused:

“You are a piece of work, you know that? I’ve sat in this chair for tournament after tournament now for many years. I’ve won some brackets, i’ve lost some brackets but if you think for one second i’m going to listen to that ridiculous closing argument you’re dead wrong. A smart defense attorney would have advised me what team to bet on prior to the tournament, postponed this hearing until after said team won the tournament and THEN come to me with the March Madness defense. You two AMATEURS obviously don’t have your heads screwed on straight.”

The defendant was then held in contempt of court which only added to the humiliation. Sentencing is scheduled for the 2nd week in April, which cannot bode well for the defendant if the judge’s team doesn’t win it all.

Garrison Dam Tailrace

Morbidly Obese Lake Trout Breaks State Record

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Bismarck, ND – A North Dakota state record was broken recently as a 16lb-6oz, 33-inch lake trout was hauled out of the Garrison Dam Tailrace. This disgustingly huge fish animal breaks the record held by the previous lake trout by over 2 lbs. Horrendous. The fish had clearly let itself go. But is this lake beast at all embarrassed by being outed as the fattest, ugliest trout/whale of all time? Not even close. In between bites of earthworm, the sickly animal had this to say about its victory:

“I’ve been stuffing my bulbous gills with anything I could fit in there since I was a guppy. Look at me now! Who said gluttony never pays off in America! Yeah!!”

It has been reported that it took two men to pull this monster into the boat. A chainsaw and a total of 3 garbage bags were used to gut and clean the bastard.

West Fargo North Dakota Juvenile

Area Teenager Denied Access to Family Vehicle

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Juvenile doesn’t get what he wants

West Fargo, ND – An area teen became visibly flustered today as a request to borrow the family vehicle was swiftly shot down by the Man of the House.  Carson Hendrickson, 16, of 2nd Street East in West Fargo had been seen by witnesses “slamming the door in utter disgust” after a simple request to borrow the family vehicle early this evening was denied without even a second thought. Carson then proceeded to WALK, not drive, to his neighbor’s house to allegedly play Call of Duty. The victim’s father had this to say in regard to the incident:

“Carson needs to learn some responsibility. You can’t just suck around the house all day doing nothing and expect to be rewarded. Besides, his mother and I are driving the vehicle to an orgy later tonight.”

The victim’s name in this story was changed to protect the innocent as this case is still an ongoing investigation.

North Dakota Temperatures Spreading Fear

Record Temps Spreading Fear Throughout Area

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As North Dakota temperatures reach record highs, many fear for their lives

Fargo, ND – The month of March has proven already to be one of the scariest winter months on record for our region. With temperatures in the state reaching as high as 70 degrees, most North Dakotans have become stricken with panic. With the December 12th doomsday prophecy and Snooki’s pregnancy looming, we can now safely add global warming to the mounting list of our fears. Many locals have been, without question, fearing for their lives what with global warming as prevalent as it ever has been. Neighborhood master of panic Stan Haynes had this to say:

“I don’t know. It’s not supposed to be this warm and it’s been warm all dang winter. If this keeps up i’ll have to pack up my things and move to Iceland!!”

Mr. Haynes went on to flail his arms wildly in the air while screaming. What does this mean for the future of America? Can the sun and it’s power be stopped? We’re not so sure anymore.

“Piece of Crap” Recreational Vehicle Thrives in Western North Dakota Oil Boom

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rvA janky Western North Dakota RV revels in the demand for affordable housing

Williston, ND – The milking of Western North Dakota’s oil reserves continues to flourish, bringing financial prosperity to the area. However, with the recent influx of employment and manpower suddenly increasing the demand for living space, availability of homes and apartments is becoming scarce. With this in mind, a cruddy-looking RV has reaped the benefits of necessity. This disaster on wheels has a newfound value in these desperate times. I asked the RV its thoughts about the sudden upturn:

“In any other case I would be good for nothing but a roaming meth lab or maybe a late night pay-for-sex encounter. Now, with all this demand for lodging, my net worth has damn near tripled. I can house an entire family and charge them $2,500 a month for rent! My toilet doesn’t even work lol!”

The RV went on to say that “Scummy old rust-buckets like us have become a valuable commodity in the area” and that it is scared that if and when the oil boom disappears it will go back to being a “gutted-out methy cesspool” like it was before.

Only in America can a piss bin like this one go from total shit hole to apartment living room.

Former F-M Area City Planner Taking It In the Face Over Sexual Innuendo

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The names of cities and towns in this area have fallen under heavy scrutiny.

Fargo, ND – As the population of our area continues to grow, more prominent figures have taken notice of the rampant perversion of its city planners. Names like Horace (Whore Ass), Harwood (Hard Wood), and Moorhead (More Head) have attracted negative attention from feminists across the nation.

Noted femininst Roberta Paulson had this to say, “The feminist community is completely outraged at the obviously perverted nature of this so-called ‘city planner’. We are calling for a change to these abhorrent titles. Whoreass, Hardwood and Morehead are completely unacceptable and derogatory towards women.” We reached Former City Planner Robert Paulson for comment. “I’ve used these names for other things all throughout my entire life. My kids, my pets. I don’t find them offensive at all.”

Yet another feminist opinion falling on deaf ears. What will happen from here? Not even the Observer knows.