Tag Archives: fish

New MN State Record Set For Smallest Walleye Ever Caught

This baby walleye sets the new record for the smallest walleye ever caught in the state of Minnesota!

Lakes, MN – Dr. Wayne Tilley didn’t know what he was in for during the Minnesota walleye fishing opener.

Wayne had no idear he would soon be the new state record-holder for the smallest walleye ever successfully reeled in since fishing records first began being kept back during the Taft administration.

Dr. Tilley plans to have the beautiful specimen stuffed and mounted for his children’s children to share with their children, if North Korea hasn’t nuked us by then.

Wayne Tilley in his own words: “Even tho it was only about four inches long and weighed in at about a quarter ounce, the darn little rascal put up a pretty good fight!

Ironically, all the letters in Wayne Tilley can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Tiny Walleye!

FMO Planning An Exciting Bus Tour Excursion For Our Readers To The Fossil Fish Festival

Join us for the Fossil Fish Festival. It’s a fun way to waste a weekend and also a great way to meet people you normally would want to avoid.

West Fargo, ND – The FMO Tour Bus is being cleaned out (from our last trip to the State Prison) for our next Reader Tour Fun Package!

Where are we going this time? To Wyoming, to see the amazing Fossil Fish Festival on February 18th!

You may ask yourself: Whyoming? Well, because that’s where the Fossil Fish Festival is being held – in Laramie, which is in the state of Wyoming, which is somewhere North of Colorado.

This will be the 30th anniversary of the designation of the wonderful fossil fish “Knightia”, who is Wyoming’s official state fossil which evolved roughly 50 million years ago!

This extinct fossil fish has served as Wyoming’s State Fossil Fish for 30 years and because it is so similar to herring, they will be serving expensive pickled herring for a nominal fee of $50 per person.

Sign up for our Fossil Fish Festival Fun Package at our Corporate Office Park.

The cost for the entire Fun Package is $999.99 which does not include any food, drinks, lodging, tips, and/or emergency medical attention.

Sign up early and often so we have enough time to do some extreme vetting into your personal life and of those who may be sitting next to you for the 36 hour round trip.

Fisherman Catches Rainbow Trout On Internet Using Clickbait

Man catches fish online using clickbait!

Man catches fish online using clickbait!

Baiting Hollow, NY – As predicted, a man has actually caught a real live rainbow trout on the internet using only clickbait for a lure.

Mr. Clarity “Clare” Bostick of 4104 Melm Street in Baiting Hollow, New York now holds the record for the largest (and only) fish to be caught online using only clickbait.

“Let me be perfectly Clare, I was surprised as hell when I reeled in this beauty off the internet, using only clickbait!” said Clare Bostick of Melm Street.

Ironically, Clare’s wife is the first person to officially catch the Zika Virus from an app on her smartphone.

Both Clare and Clarissa Bostick of Melm Street attempted to post these unique events on Facebook but due to a new anti-clickbait algorithm, Facebook would not only not accept their posts but went on to delete their entire Facebook accounts.

Moral of the story: Do not use clickbait on Facebook or anything that even rhymes with clickbait such as trick plate, pick mate, kick straight, brick weight, and quick hate because these will not only not get published on the Facebook but will also cost you your Facebook membership for life.

Moorhead Man Lands Record Large-Mouth Bass From Long Lake

Long Lake is one of the best fishing lakes in Minnesota.

Long Lake is one of the best fishing lakes in Minnesota.

Long Lake, MN – During the opening of fishing season, Humbert Galasso landed what appears to be the largest large-mouth bass ever caught in Minnesota.

Mr. Galasso had just begun fishing on one of 121 different lakes in Minnesota called “Long Lake”.

After hooking a small perch, Humbert was reeling it in when a good-sized, hungry northern bit onto the line trying to eat the perch for breakfast.

What happened next will stay with Humbert Galasso forever.

He could suddenly see a giant open mouth coming up from the bottom of the lake.

What turns out to be a record-setting 358-pound large mouth bass was now caught on Humbert’s hook.

Being an experienced fisherman, it only took about two hours to get the monster fish securely into the boat.

Needless to say, everyone in Humbert Galasso’s neighborhood is invited over next Friday for a very large fish fry. Please bring your own bier.

Ironically, all the letters in “Humbert Galasso” can be rearranged to spell: Large Mouth Bass!

Koi Ponds Provide Hungry Families With Unlimited Fish

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Don’t need to be koi Roy, just get yourself free.

Fishtrap, Kentucky – Vegetable gardens are a great way for budget-conscious families to reduce their food costs, which have been on the rise lately due to increasing governmental regulations.

Another great way to save money, and which is quickly gaining popularity around the country, is to build your own koi pond.

Koi are Japanese carp which are known for their beauty and taste.

“Having your very own koi pond in your backyard is a wonderful idea” says Ms. Sue Dohnim, president of the National Carp Foundation. “If you have a well-stocked koi pond, you are smart. If you don’t, you’re stupid.”

Just imagine being able to go out and fish for fish for dinner. And there are so many different ways to prepare the slimy suckers: carp cakes, carp salad, carp sandwich, carp in beer, deep fried carp chips, poached carp, pickled carp, carp gumbo, steamed carp, carp fries, grilled cheese carp, buttermilk carpjacks, carp chowder, carp burgers, sweet and sour carp, carpsicles, spicy cold carp soup, serbian carp, baked carp, carp sausage, carp milkshakes, river carp tacos, northern carp stew, southern carpuppies, eastern carp sushi rolls, and midwest carp casserole.

If that’s not enough to make you hungry, try fasting for three days and then walking by your neighbors backyard after they just finished stocking their brand new koi pond with twenty multi-colored koi fish.

For more information on building your own koi pond, call 1-800-KOI-POND, or simply click on healthcare.gov and ask to speak with a convicted navigator.

Maui Parrot-Fish Learns To Speak Fluent Underwater English

Hello. Will you be my friend? Pardon my fishy smell. Want to play with me?

Hello. Will you be my friend? Pardon my fishy smell. Want to play with me?

Maui, Hawaii – Everyone told him it couldn’t be done. No, you can’t train a parrot-fish to speak English, you silly boy! That’s when he wished that someday he could prove them all wrong.

Twelve year old Koka Pakalolo had always dreamed of having a fish that he could talk to, but all he ever heard was that it was just a pipe dream.

Growing up on Maui, Koka had swum with fish since he was baptized. He didn’t know that fish could not speak. Koka Pakalolo just assumed that everything could talk.

One day while snorkeling with his favorite parrot-fish, Koka’s wish came true. His dream became reality when the parrot-fish bubbled into his ear: “Hello! What’s your name?” Koka simply responded: “My name is Koka Pakalolo.”

Garrison Dam Tailrace

Morbidly Obese Lake Trout Breaks State Record

Bismarck, ND – A North Dakota state record was broken recently as a 16lb-6oz, 33-inch lake trout was hauled out of the Garrison Dam Tailrace. This disgustingly huge fish animal breaks the record held by the previous lake trout by over 2 lbs. Horrendous. The fish had clearly let itself go. But is this lake beast at all embarrassed by being outed as the fattest, ugliest trout/whale of all time? Not even close. In between bites of earthworm, the sickly animal had this to say about its victory:

“I’ve been stuffing my bulbous gills with anything I could fit in there since I was a guppy. Look at me now! Who said gluttony never pays off in America! Yeah!!”

It has been reported that it took two men to pull this monster into the boat. A chainsaw and a total of 3 garbage bags were used to gut and clean the bastard.