Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
With holiday family gatherings safely behind you, the stars agree that you can stop swallowing your anger in big gulps now and just go back to your usual little sips.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
The power of Venus will be unprecedentedly strong in your love life this year. Unfortunately, the power of Serena will be far stronger and, frankly, a little scary.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
Your planetary energy suggests that the key to relaxation this week is to focus on the simple things in life. Like the gentle fizz of a whiskey and soda, or the way that Xanax pill feels in your hand.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Try not to worry too much when you get a flat tire later this week. Instead, take a few deep breaths and start coming up with a plausible story about how your car ended up in your cubicle.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
With Mars eclipsing Mercury, you have a good chance of finding your mate at the laundromat this week, assuming you can survive the wild wet ride and ensuing tumble that await you. Oh, and also, you’re a sock.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
You will be forced to question the validity of your rescue Chihuahua’s paperwork when, after a full month, he still won’t say “Yo Quiero Taco Bell”.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Your New Year’s resolution to lose 10 pounds will be surprisingly easy to accomplish when you pass what will come to be known as the world’s largest kidney stone ever.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
While all Scorpios have long memories for perceived wrongs, the stars feel it’s probably time to forgive Bobby Henderson for that 2nd grade dodgeball incident and set him free from your basement dungeon.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
As the moon opposes Saturn, you’ll want to steer clear of conflict this week, especially with loved ones. So yeah, it might be wise to cancel Scrabble night with Uncle “My-House-My-Spelling” Wesley.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
A seemingly benign news story about nitrate-free meat will prove to be the last straw for you as your brain finally exceeds its capacity to store nutritional data and just explodes.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Your dream of living in a hip tiny house will soon become a reality, complete with decorative bars on the door, a clever stainless steel toilet, unique built-in bunk beds, and a roommate named “Killa”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
It will be ironic when, after you win the lottery, you in fact don’t die the next day, but instead book a luxury suite at an Alanis Morissette concert. Unfortunately, they’ll serve a gimmicky plastic black fly in your chardonnay which you’ll accidentally swallow and choke to death on. Frickin irony.

Past horoscopes

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
As you begin your painting project this week, your excitement will be replaced by horror when you realize the name of your new living room paint color is Satan-Claims-This-Home Red.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Instead of seeing the glass as half empty, try to see it for what it really is: your last chance to walk away from that 32 oz. growler before you add yet another entry to your long list of regrets.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
A large expenditure could completely change the trajectory of your life, so you’ll want to carefully consider the pros and cons of becoming a Level IV Operating Thetan before you write that check.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
You will prove to yourself this week that there is truly no end to the amount of time you can waste planning for the big lottery win that is never, ever going to happen. But hey, somebody has to win.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
An unexpected delivery could cause a problem in your relationship, but take heart: you successfully hid a pregnancy for 9 months, just imagine what else you’re capable of.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Good news! The stars have concluded that there are finally enough stupid people in the world to make your “Dehydrated Water” business idea a profitable one.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
As the world turns, Hamilton and Alexis conspire to expose Winston’s sordid past in order to kidnap his love child with Hamilton’s sister Charmagne….oops the stars were watching the Soap Channel again. Those silly stars!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
After surviving being struck by a Porsche 918 Spyder while crossing the street, you and your lawyer will have a good laugh over the phrase “success is no accident”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
You will curse Orphan Annie after you bet your bottom dollar and the sun, in fact, does not come out tomorrow.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
A random phone call will lead you on a wild adventure. Just remember to get all the required vaccine shots before you go chasing down your life’s savings somewhere in southern Nigeria.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Your best friend’s juice cleanse experience will inspire you to jump on the health bandwagon this week. Unfortunately, substituting gin-and-juice will result in you falling right off that wagon in a rather dramatic fashion.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
After years of feeling “different”, a chance encounter on the beach will help you understand that you’re really exactly the same as all the other wide-eyed, suffocating half-fish people.

Past horoscopes

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Avoid getting drawn into a conversation with a stranger today. Not so much because he’s a stranger, but because he’s just way too excited for you to see what’s in the back of his van.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
A mid-week rush of energy will inspire you to make big changes in your life, but once that leftover Halloween candy runs out you’ll be right back to complete apathy.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The good news is that mole you’ve been watching for weeks is not cancerous. The bad news is you seriously need glasses and that mole is a Lyme disease-carrying tick.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Even though wishing doesn’t make it so, just the thought of your boss being eaten alive by rabid raccoons will provide much needed therapeutic relief later this week.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Although your nephew is always awestruck when you find a quarter behind his ear, it will become painfully obvious that Officer Johnson does not share your nephew’s appreciation of magic.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Your world will be rocked this week when a casual family dinner conversation reveals the shocking truth that pickles are in fact just small fermented cucumbers.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
You will be tempted to follow the crowd this week, but try to remember that one person is not a crowd and the restraining order against you is still in effect.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
Your lucky numbers this week are 8 6 7 5 3 0 9. Actually, the stars just think it’s super funny that you’re going to have that damn Tommy Tutone song stuck in your head all day.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Challenging yourself could reap big rewards this week. However, trying to say “Jurassic!” 20 times a day isn’t exactly the type of challenge that pays noticeable dividends.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
One of your prayers will be answered this week. Unfortunately, God is way behind on answering prayers, so you may want to make room for that pony.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Experimenting with yet another questionable internet facial treatment will not only leave you with egg on your face, but Salmonella in your eye as well.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
Your nurturing side will be inclined to comfort those around you this week, but your psychotic side has drastically different plans for them.

Past horoscopes

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
You may want to record all conversations with your partner this week, because there’s no way your friends are going to believe the epic tsunami of profanity that is about to flow out of you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Although your fear of needles will nearly derail your flu shot, your I’m-getting-ready-to-bolt-from-this-germy-clinic-chair OCD routine will keep you paralyzed just long enough to get ‘er done.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
If you see a penny, pick it up, and all day long you’ll have good luck. Assuming you can outrun that panhandler, who isn’t really blind after all.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Be wary when a coworker asks you for help this week. If he’s smart enough to mastermind a company-wide conspiracy to get you fired, he’s smart enough to fake a heart attack to accomplish his goals.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Shifting patterns in the outer planetary orbits will do absolutely nothing to save you from your complete lack of common sense this weekend.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
The stars are warning that you only have 2 more chances to say “I guess we’re not in Kansas anymore” before a certain Subway Sandwich Artist beats the crap out of you in the parking lot.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Advice from a friend may seem confusing this week, but it’s only because that person isn’t really your friend, and “Learn to drive, moron!” isn’t really advice.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
It would be in your best interest to pause a moment after the neighbor kid asks “Why are you so fat?” It could mean the difference between community service and life in prison.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Remember that every journey starts with a single step. Also remember that hot coals are really, really hot.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The onset of cool autumn weather leads you to rekindle an old flame this week, which brings comfort during a bleak time. Come on cheapass, just light your furnace already.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
When driving at night, if you have the thought, “Hmmm, so that’s what an actual deer in the headlights looks like”, stop thinking and just slam on your brakes.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
With Venus rising in Mars, your intuition will be keen this week when it comes to romance. Bonus tip: You should probably just go ahead and double down on Haagen-Dazs at the grocery store tonight.

Past horoscopes

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Count your blessings today. Then write down that number. It’ll be helpful tomorrow when you can just subtract 1 from your total instead of counting all over again.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Going to bed early tonight will give you the necessary energy to capitalize on an amazing opportunity tomorrow. Oh, and you have bedbugs.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
Although many people find your curious nature endearing, you’ll find out the hard way that your server at Applebee’s was not one of them.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Tuesday would be a good day to invite relatives over for dinner. Because right, like anybody says yes to a Tuesday night dinner invitation.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Your lucky numbers this week are 9 1 1. Well, maybe “lucky” is the wrong word, but you’ll definitely want to remember those numbers.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
The planets are aligned to make this one of your best romantic weeks in months. Also, your mother is a giant asteroid locked in an unstoppable collision course with your planetary alignment.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
With Jupiter coming into view, your desire to travel will strengthen this week, especially after the police serve you with that warrant.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
Organization will be key this week if you ever hope to dig out of the hoarder hole you’re in.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
You’ll want to arrange for a ride home from the bar on Thursday, when you will realize too late that one step forward equals two steps back.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
It would be wise to brush up on your geometry this week, as the love triangle you’re in will evolve into more of a rhombus.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
If you happen to dig up a bag full of bones in your back yard this week, it’s probably time to have that tough conversation with your alter personality.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
Take time this week to truly listen to the caucophony of barking dogs in your neighborhood. By Friday, you will understand more deeply than ever how important alcohol really is.