Category Archives: Local

Area Police Setting Up Four Hundred Twenty 420 Checkpoints

Leave a reply

Don’t let this be you today.

Fargo, ND – Via a confidentially anonymous series of trusted fake news sources, the Observer has learned that area police will be staging 420 “420 checkpoints” around the region today.

Four hundred and twenty strategically-placed traffic interventions will take place on four hundred and twenty throughways and byways–perhaps even a few highways–during and shortly after 4:20PM today, April 20th, or 4/20 as it is more affectionately known.

Four hundred twenty law officers will be seeking out suspicious activity, especially that which contains a certain numerical value. Fargo, Moorhead, West Fargo, County, State, DEA, ATF, Marshall, Guard. You name it, they’ll be there. There will be 420 of them out looking for 420 at 4:20 on 4/20.

Police are gently asking the concerned public: If you see any 420 at 4:20 on 4/20, please dial 911 then get the 411.

Fargo Student Has Seriously Woke Minecraft

Leave a reply

Woke AF

Fargo, ND – One Fargo student has taken his Minecraft building talent to surreal levels. Geil Carmeister, 12, has caught the attention of friends, teachers, and the FM Observer with his uncanny ability to depict real life situations, especially geopolitical ones, using the computer-generated world simulation game Minecraft.

Geil is as woke or woker than your typical 6th-grader.

We’re gonna Minecraft a wall.

“This huge man is the President. This bush is the media. Watch.” His Minecraft screen then portrayed the huge man lighting the bush on fire and as it did so, the bush went away as the huge man grew larger in stature.

“This is the wall. The wall keeps out people,” he explained. “No one new can get over it.”

His parents express a limited amount of concern. “Geil is so lit! I wasn’t nearly as lit at that age,” says his father Burg. “I guess we’re mostly glad he’s paying attention. Mostly.”

Geil’s extremely dialed-in worldview is “just a passing phase” and is something he will “grow out of, unless he becomes a hipster” according to his mother Vanta, who chose to remain anonymous.

FM Observer Hiring SPAM Email Answerer

Leave a reply

Give these spammers a taste of their own medicine.

Fargo, ND – Our email address fmobserver@gmail.com has been getting its ass kicked by SPAM lately and our receptionist Blenda has been unable to keep up. Between sifting through the seemingly constant flow of corporate buyout and advertising requests, she’s simply not able to sarcastically fulfill each and every Nigerian prince’s donation inquiry in a timely manner because we at FM Observer will be damned if we let one zany SPAM email go unanswered.

Are you familiar with SPAM email? Silly question–of course you are. Who hasn’t taken a leisurely dip into the cesspool that is their SPAM inbox, if only for pure amazement? Next question: do you consider yourself a smart Alec? A silly Sammy? A snarky Susan? If you answered yes to these, you’re the right person for the job.

Skint Boobidoo, III

One lucky Larry will be assigned the unending task of replying hilariously to every SPAM email fmobserver@gmail.com gets. This position can be highly amusing for the right candidate. You will engage the sender in hilarious-yet-offputting banter until the sender becomes infuriated to the point of blocking you.

Successful applicants must undergo Trump-inspired “serious vetting” prior to enlistment in this permanent part-time temporary project. Terms of employment will be discussed during vetting. Come prepared.

FM Observer correspondent Skint Boobidoo, III has already applied so your chances of landing the gig are very limited, but do try anyway. Leave your credentials in the comments section and we’ll consider hiring you instead of Skint.

Fargo Family Soap Opera Pilot Episode Script Is Complete

Leave a reply

Production of Fargo Family will begin as soon as actors are chosen and the episodes are written.

Fargo, ND – There was never a doubt in our minds that in some zany alternate universe, Fargo would have its own televised daytime drama. That suspicion has nearly come to fruition with the completion of our pilot episode. Just as soon as the rest of the episodes are written, we will begin a massive casting call. Line up for it!

Now, for the conclusion of episode one:

F Mob Server Productions, 2017

FARGO FAMILY

“Pilot”

SCENE 7. CONRAD.

FADE IN TO CONRAD DRIVING:

(Conrad is behind the wheel of his Dodge RAM Super Duty, cruising westbound down main avenue. AM 1100 plays very loudly on radio; Rush Limbaugh is talking.)

(Conrad stops at stoplight, digs in fanny pack, pulls out smartphone. Holds 2 for speed dial, puts on speakerphone then places phone on passenger seat. Rings, then an automated voice “thank you for calling the Rush Limbaugh Show on Premiere Radio Network”)

CONRAD: (impatiently) COME on, RUSHMEISTER…

(suddenly Beatris’s number rings in on call waiting. *beep beep*)

CONRAD: (looks over, groans) NO, no no no NO, Bea! (stoplight turns green, Conrad fails to notice. He grabs the phone frantically trying to cancel Beatris’s inbound call. A horn honks from behind) 

CONRAD: Damn it! SHUT up, liberal troll!! Rachael Maddow! (Conrad tosses phone back onto passenger seat, slams on gas pedal, all 4 wheels spin out on icy road, truck begins to fishtail a bit. Meanwhile Conrad doesn’t realize he accidentally answered Beatris’s call while speakerphone still engaged.)

BEATRIS: (via phone) Conrad?? CONRAD, Jesus, what’s happening??

CONRAD: (surprised) Rush? RUSH?? Am I on?? Long time listener, huge fan! Hey Rush, do you think Jodie Foster is part alien? I mean, if you look at the shape of her head–

BEATRIS: (interrupts Conrad) Conrad. CONRAD. It’s me. Your WIFE. Hellloooooooooo???

CONRAD: (hears her now) Aw, damn it, Bea! (slaps phone to attempt a hang up while driving, fails, keeps slapping with open hand, slapping, slapping…)

CUT SCENE FADE

SCENE 8. STANLEY.

FADE IN TO STANLEY ON THE PHONE WITH KINGSLEY:

STANLEY: (listening intently) Margie? Ok… I spose, then. I’ll head up there, ya.

(camera pans the interior of Stanley’s trailer, it is littered with numerous trinkets and gadgets. He hangs up the phone, begins tinkering with a doodad. Camera pans to front window covered in tinfoil, no light gets inside or out. Stanley puts down the doodad and turns up HAM radio, it blares a weak signal. He fumbles with the knobs, suddenly a voice is heard.)

VOICE: (amidst static)…can hear this, this is Vern Milton; it is October, the year is 2048. Testing, testing, signal…anyone?

STANLEY: (excitedly) Hello? Who is Vern? This is Stanley! I read ya, you betcha!

VOICE: (amidst static) Huzzah! Stanley, is it? I’m Vern and I’ve been traveling through time for years and years. What time are you, stranger?

STANLEY: Oh, wow! This is 2017, doncha know! What are ya up to, there?

VOICE: Fella, I’ve seen too much to even begin explaining. (static increases) My travels through time have made me incredibly weary. (more static now) A word of warning…(static)…global warming…(static)…polar icecaps…(static)…ocean…(static)…nuclear meltdown…

(Stanley aggressively twisting HAM radio knobs)

VOICE: (inaudible)…oil…(static) Bakken shale…(static)..stop…(static)…carbon footprint…

(the voice fades away into unending static feedback)

STANLEY: (unable to hear the voice any longer) Ah, dangit, Vern! Vern! Dangit anyway!

FADE OUT.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL ABOUT BLOATING RELIEF.

SCENE 9. HOSPITAL.

FADE IN TO ICU:

(We see Kingsley glaring at Dr. Never as he stands over an ailing Margareet)

KINGSLEY: (pensive) Well, heck, what’re ya doin’ here, doctor?

DR. NEVER: (stoic) I’m a doctor, Kingsley. I work here.

KINGSLEY: (accusingly) Ya, doncha. Well I saw ya touchin’ my wife there in a manner not real like a doctor should be touchin’ a patient, there you betcha.

DR. NEVER: (ignores Kingsley’s accusation) Your wife is very ill. She needs medical attention. Now, if you’ll excuse me…

(tries to leave but Kingsley stands in his way)

KINGSLEY: (stammering) Oh really now? Ya, I saw what I saw there, now, doctor, so…

DR. NEVER: (urgently) Excuse me, Kingsley, or i’ll do to you what I did to your daughter Trix after she OD’d on hand sanitizer…

KINGSLEY: (anger rising) Are ya threatenin’ me, there, you betcha??

(Dr. Never pushes his way past Kingsley, leaves)

(Kingsley huffs at the encounter with Dr. Never, rushes to Margareet. She is unconscious)

KINGSLEY: (sadly) Ah, dangit, Margie. Dangit, then, ya know. Somethin’ better not be goin’ on with the doctor there, you betcha…

(we see tears begin to form in Kingsley’s eyes, cut to Margareet opening hers)

DRAMATIC MUSIC

FADE TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS OVER THEME MUSIC.

Wow! You can cut the tension with a butter knife. This is just a taste of what this groundbreaking show will be like. Care to star in it? All you need to do is post a convincing comment or send in your resume. Be sure to list your talents, hidden talents, acting experience and whether or not you can cry on command if kicked square in the guts.

Fargo Family Soap Opera Pilot Episode Script Continues

Leave a reply

Production of Fargo Family will begin as soon as actors are chosen and the episodes are written.

In case you’ve been living under a rock with a rock on top of it, you are unaware that we’ve been piecing together an exciting new soap opera for Fargo, based in Fargo and with Fargo-ish overtones. Do you want to be in it?

With that, a rough drafted script for the pilot episode of Fargo Family continues…

F Mob Server Productions, 2017

FARGO FAMILY

“Pilot”

SCENE 3. DR. NEVER’S OFFICE.

FADE IN:

(Margareet is shown sitting on Sanford clinic examination room bed, she is looking quite somber. Seconds go by; she pulls Ambien bottle out of her pocket, downs a small handful. She gracefully loses consciousness as bottle falls to floor)

(Dr. Never enters, studying clipboard)

DR. NEVER: …We’ve been over this, Marg, medical cannabis isn’t fully legal yet–(notices the passed out Margareet) OH FOR PETE’S SAKE (accidentally kicks ambien bottle, clamors for it) god damn it (bonks head on Margareet’s knee cap) OW, god DAMN it, Marg! (holds forehead, becoming extremely agitated) NURSE! Patient unconscious, dispatch med team stat!! (silence) NUUUURSE!! And bring an ice pack!! (rubs forehead bruise)

CUT SCENE FADE

SCENE 4. CONRAD.

FADE IN:

(Conrad shown in M&H convenience store in Moorhead, finishing a purchase of Powerball tickets)

CLERK: That’ll be $13.50.

CONRAD: Yeah? For what?? The privilege to suddenly bag a truckload of taxable income? Income that BIG GOVERNMENT will rip their (holds up finger air quotes) fair share (lowers air quotes) of? Trump is going to squash Big Government, you’ll see. Politicians better run and hide.

CLERK: $13.50

(Conrad pulls huge bag of pennies out of fanny pack, drops it flat on counter)

CONRAD: Here. Charge the rest to the NO-bama administration.

CLERK: Charge what? How much is here?

CONRAD: Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp!

CLERK: The hell are you talkin about, bro? $13.50! These pennies? How much are here??

(Clerk begins fervently counting pennies)

(Conrad exits M&H without Powerball tickets or bag of pennies)

FADE OUT.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL ABOUT HERNIA MESH CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT.

SCENE 5. SKOOTER.

FADE IN

(Skooter appears in attic fumbling about with wires. He appears to be connecting an electrical circuit to a 3-prong outlet)

(Cut to Kingsley entering house from garage. He drops briefcase onto floor, keys into key dish on end table, heads to the liquor cabinet)

(Cut back to Skooter hearing someone enter the house. He recognizes sound of briefcase and keys, becomes completely silent to avoid being noticed)

(Cut back to Kingsley pouring a highball of scotch, neat. Pulls a sip.)

KINGSLEY: Aaaah, heck, dontcha.

(Kingsley pulls smartphone out of pocket, opens Facebook. We see a Facebook status from Margareet, it reads “Feeling wispy, doctor calling…better not keep him waiting!”)

KINGSLEY: Golly dangit. Marg!? Margie…? (Listens, hears nothing) (Louder now) Maaargie!

(Cut to Skooter again, he’s holding his breath, making no noise whatsoever)

(Cut back to Kingsley searching the house for Margareet. His search is futile, Margareet is not present. Kingsley pulls keys from key dish and leaves)

(Cut back to Skooter, he hears Kingsley leave, he exhales and continues wiring)

CUT SCENE FADE OUT

SCENE 6. HOSPITAL.

FADE IN TO DR. NEVER FOLLOWING MARGAREET BEING WHEELED DOWN HALLWAY ON GURNEY

NURSE: Any idea how many pills were taken?

DR. NEVER: (visibly irritated) Usually she empties what’s left of a bottle. No clue how many were there since she never sticks to my prescribed amount. 

NURSE: Here we go again…

(they continue down hallway into intensive care unit)

(cut to Kingsley pulling up to Sanford hospital parking lot, he parks slanted in handicap spot)

(cut to Kingsley approaching receptionist)

KINGSLEY: (impatiently) Ya, hello there, Paula. Dr. Never in with another patient, you betcha?

RECEPTIONIST: (recognizing a frequent visitor) OK, Kingsley, i’ll call up. (she dials number) Kingsley is here….ok…ok…yes, i’ll tell him. (hangs up phone) Go ahead.

(Kingsley swiftly approaches open elevator, slams repeatedly on button for 3rd floor)

(Cut to ICU where Dr. Never is standing over Margareet as her stomach is being pumped)

DR. NEVER: (softly) If you can hear me, Marg, you better listen. Knock it off. If you crave attention you’re going about it the wrong way…(begins caressing her cheek with latex-gloved hand)

(Kingsley barges in, sees this, they lock eyes)

DRAMATIC MUSIC

FADE TO BLACK

Ooooh! The action is really heating up! Remember, if you want a shot at being a huge local soap star, casting calls are about to begin. Send in your resumé or leave a comment. Please list number of dependents, age of dependents and whether they’re dependent or independent.

Click here for the dramatic conclusion of our Pilot Episode!

Fargo Family Soap Opera Pilot Episode Script Exclusive!

Leave a reply

Production of Fargo Family will begin as soon as actors are chosen and the episodes are written.

With all the hubbub over a drama series based on and in our quiet town, we are providing interested parties with a rough draft of opening scenes from the much-anticipated pilot episode of Fargo Family, Fargo’s first and only soap opera scheduled to definitely maybe air:

F Mob Server Productions, 2017

FARGO FAMILY

“Pilot”

SCENE 1. HOMESTEAD.

FADE IN:

(Flapper dressed in greasy overalls cautiously enters Margareet’s kitchen through a halfway-open back patio door, frigid air billowing in)

FLAPPER: Margie? Margie…? You here?

(Margareet stumbles into kitchen holding empty bottle of Boone’s Farm while Dr. Phil drones on in the background)

MARGAREET: (slurring speech, clearly inebriated) OHHH isn’t this a day! Thirty below and a ton of white covers the ground! It’s dream we’re living upon the clouds! I’m–

(Flapper notices Margareet’s unstable mental condition, interrupts her)

FLAPPER: Darling, you’ve got to stop this, doncha know! Dr. Never been coming around again? Keeping company with his devil pills?? Sleeping with Prince Valium at night, I’m sure ya you betcha.

(Flapper turns to leave, Margareet desperately lunges toward him)

MARGAREET: (slurring badly now) Flap, you mustn’t go! The Cadillac has a transvestite leak and I’m low on fluid. (holds up wine bottle) Where’d you have to be?!

(Flapper draws in and lets out a deep sigh of discontent)

FLAPPER: I shouldn’t be comin round no more if for not on business. It isn’t right…(long pause, staring longingly at an anguished Margareet) …but it isn’t wrong if Kingsley gone on office trips all the dang time, dontcha know…

(Flapper embraces Margareet, a long kiss and a slight nudge)

CUT SCENE FADE

SCENE 2. WORK.

FADE IN:

(Kingsley sitting alone in conference room, old wrinkly hand thumbing a cherished ancient Sioux Indian artifact, mumbling to himself. Sunshine/warm weather radiates off skyscrapers through conference room window)

KINGSLEY: Boy, Old K, you’re going to have to do better than that if you want to keep the dang Lexmark account…

(Kingsley’s personal secretary peeks in conference room door, Kingsley notices her)

KINGSLEY: Go the heck away, eh? Now ain’t a great time!

SECRETARY: But, sir, like, Beatris was calling and calling and finally, like, left a message about, like, it being urgent and junk, so, like, I took a message..?

(Secretary’s phrase is uttered in the tone of a question, Kingsley stares blankly at what he believes to be a complete airhead)

KINGSLEY: Well jeez, what was the message about there, Chynthia? You know what? Forget it, eh? I’ll phone her on the bluetooth in the Uber, you betcha. Now beat it, dontcha!

(Kingsley encloses  fist around prized Sioux Indian artifact, fist tightens)

FADE OUT.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL ABOUT OPIOID-INDUCED CONSTIPATION RELIEF.

Exciting, isn’t it? Nothing makes for a better soap opera than terrific acting, a well-designed script and embarrassing commercial interruptions. Do you want to take part in this theatrical endeavor? Leave a comment or email us your resumé including date of birth, place of birth and type of birth.

Click here for PART 2 of our Pilot Episode!

Shoe Tossing The Work Of Ancient Satanic Evil Says Area Man

Leave a reply

Clear sign of eternal damnation

Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, says one Fargo man. What he means is where there’s shoe tossing, there is an unabated malevolence permeating the souls of area teens.

The presence of shoes dangling from power lines has nothing to do with drugs, gangs, or kids just funnin around. No, sir, there’s far more to it than that, according to unofficial FMO Correspondent and respected area elder Skint Boobidoo, III.

Skint Boobidoo, III

“Think about this. It is ten below out. A child removes his shoes, ties them together then hurls them into the sky until they hang from the lines for any silly reason? Ha ha, no. He was subconsciously coerced by the once baneful servants of Lucifer to mark the very spot where ritual blood sacrifice occurred hundreds of years prior,” declares Boobidoo.

Although residents have voiced concern over this, Boobidoo insists there is no need for panic over haphazardly strewn footwear. The wrath of these tarnished souls is kept at bay. “Their pagan magic cannot be conjured by Converse.”

He reminds parents to check their children’s bedrooms frequently during the night. If your child is out sleepwalking with shoes in hand instead of on foot, he or she could get frostbitten or communicate with the dead.

Area Man’s Unhealthy Obsession With Celebrity Revealed In Cryptic Letter

Leave a reply

Discarded pamphlet of longing stokes a blazing fire of mystery.

Fargo, ND – The ever-observant FMO staff acquired an intriguing bit of loot during a recent dog walk. “What is it, boy? What do you got there? No, leave it, it’s trash.”

However, it was clear that this was no ordinary hunk of rubbish. The dog kept at it until it would be retrieved. He wouldn’t let it go. So, the crumpled-up paper was plucked from the snowy gutter.

The smeared contents of this cast-off message were hardly legible but with help from the FMO Forensics Division this proclamation of fondness was successfully deciphered. Behold:

Dearest RW,

A spoon. A tool to use for indulging in the sweet, creamy goodness of ice cream. But Hollywood doesn’t use you — they cherish you. Did you know your name was used as a Wheel Of Fortune answer? It’s plain to see how revered you are in popular culture. Oh, Reese! My nickname for you is

Has a nose for infatuation

but it stops there before it was presumably crumpled up and tossed away. What did the author’s rough draft mean to convey? Obvious clues point to who it might have been addressed, but perhaps we’ll never know its true purpose.

It should be noted that every ‘i’ was dotted with a heart.

Any guesses at what the author’s nickname is for their obsession are welcome in the comments section. All submissions will be hastily forwarded on to the FMO Forensics Division for further analysis.

Holiday Lights In Lindenwood To Be Visible From Space

Leave a reply
Beam me up, Scotty

Beam me up, Scotty

Fargo, ND – The Fargo-Moorhead Sertoma Club is again providing a dazzling display of diodes and doodads. Holiday Lights In Lindenwood Park is open to the public and boy, is it impressive. So impressive, in fact, that if you happen to be traveling to Mars for Christmas you can see it from space.

The Holiday Lights can be viewed for a gentle $6.00 admission fee per car or van ($5.00 with canned good donation) or $10.00 for busses and limousines. A particular portion of the proceeds will go towards Caustic Sertoma awareness.

What follows is a public service announcement from the Caustic Sertoma Foundation®.

Caustic Sertoma. What is Caustic Sertoma? Wouldn’t you like to know. Do you or your loved ones suffer from Caustic Sertoma? This regenerative condition affects literally hundreds of people each year. Side effects may include: blood, urination, occasional breathing, hair growth, eyesight and nonviolent mood swings. If you’ve had sertomatic symptoms for more than 4 hours, seek medical attention. People who are pregnant with zika should not have Caustic Sertoma. Ask your doctor if Caustic Sertoma is right for you.

Area Clowns Needed To Scare Off Pipeline Protesters

Leave a reply
“Clean them clowns off our city streets ‘n get em out to the pipeline”
42daa11cf103e08e10a31494a5d14f71

Clowning an end to the protest.

Fargo, ND – Authorities think they’ve found a solution for all the unwelcome clowns we’ve noticed lately.

Clowning around has the people on edge. Ronald McDonald, Bozo, Krusty–they’ve all gone dormant after the recent outcry.

Lucky for them, authorities have found a more positive use for these Bozos. They want the color-clad jokesters to put their inadvertent scare tactics to work on the Dakota Access Pipeline protest.

Burns county sheriff Wint Cowbuster explains: “Nobody likes clowns anymore. Have you seen the news? A clown can’t even drive a car without spooking someone into phoning dispatch. ‘Yes, hi, 911? There’s a clown in a car.’ Really, guys? Really?? A clown can freak somebody out from inside his own vehicle? Fine, if they’re so scary we’ll see how the protesters like ’em.”

State patrol wants “a few dozen” volunteer clowns to hitch a ride out to the pipeline protest.

Any clowns who want to scare off some protesters will be picked up from wooded areas and sidewalks in the coming days.

They say a typical patrol squad car can transport up to 20 clowns at a time.