Fargo, ND – There was never a doubt in our minds that in some zany alternate universe, Fargo would have its own televised daytime drama. That suspicion has nearly come to fruition with the completion of our pilot episode. Just as soon as the rest of the episodes are written, we will begin a massive casting call. Line up for it!
Now, for the conclusion of episode one:
F Mob Server Productions, 2017
SCENE 7. CONRAD.
FADE IN TO CONRAD DRIVING:
(Conrad is behind the wheel of his Dodge RAM Super Duty, cruising westbound down main avenue. AM 1100 plays very loudly on radio; Rush Limbaugh is talking.)
(Conrad stops at stoplight, digs in fanny pack, pulls out smartphone. Holds 2 for speed dial, puts on speakerphone then places phone on passenger seat. Rings, then an automated voice “thank you for calling the Rush Limbaugh Show on Premiere Radio Network”)
CONRAD: (impatiently) COME on, RUSHMEISTER…
(suddenly Beatris’s number rings in on call waiting. *beep beep*)
CONRAD: (looks over, groans) NO, no no no NO, Bea! (stoplight turns green, Conrad fails to notice. He grabs the phone frantically trying to cancel Beatris’s inbound call. A horn honks from behind)
CONRAD: Damn it! SHUT up, liberal troll!! Rachael Maddow! (Conrad tosses phone back onto passenger seat, slams on gas pedal, all 4 wheels spin out on icy road, truck begins to fishtail a bit. Meanwhile Conrad doesn’t realize he accidentally answered Beatris’s call while speakerphone still engaged.)
BEATRIS: (via phone) Conrad?? CONRAD, Jesus, what’s happening??
CONRAD: (surprised) Rush? RUSH?? Am I on?? Long time listener, huge fan! Hey Rush, do you think Jodie Foster is part alien? I mean, if you look at the shape of her head–
BEATRIS: (interrupts Conrad) Conrad. CONRAD. It’s me. Your WIFE. Hellloooooooooo???
CONRAD: (hears her now) Aw, damn it, Bea! (slaps phone to attempt a hang up while driving, fails, keeps slapping with open hand, slapping, slapping…)
CUT SCENE FADE
SCENE 8. STANLEY.
FADE IN TO STANLEY ON THE PHONE WITH KINGSLEY:
STANLEY: (listening intently) Margie? Ok… I spose, then. I’ll head up there, ya.
(camera pans the interior of Stanley’s trailer, it is littered with numerous trinkets and gadgets. He hangs up the phone, begins tinkering with a doodad. Camera pans to front window covered in tinfoil, no light gets inside or out. Stanley puts down the doodad and turns up HAM radio, it blares a weak signal. He fumbles with the knobs, suddenly a voice is heard.)
VOICE: (amidst static)…can hear this, this is Vern Milton; it is October, the year is 2048. Testing, testing, signal…anyone?
STANLEY: (excitedly) Hello? Who is Vern? This is Stanley! I read ya, you betcha!
VOICE: (amidst static) Huzzah! Stanley, is it? I’m Vern and I’ve been traveling through time for years and years. What time are you, stranger?
STANLEY: Oh, wow! This is 2017, doncha know! What are ya up to, there?
VOICE: Fella, I’ve seen too much to even begin explaining. (static increases) My travels through time have made me incredibly weary. (more static now) A word of warning…(static)…global warming…(static)…polar icecaps…(static)…ocean…(static)…nuclear meltdown…
(Stanley aggressively twisting HAM radio knobs)
VOICE: (inaudible)…oil…(static) Bakken shale…(static)..stop…(static)…carbon footprint…
(the voice fades away into unending static feedback)
STANLEY: (unable to hear the voice any longer) Ah, dangit, Vern! Vern! Dangit anyway!
CUT TO COMMERCIAL ABOUT BLOATING RELIEF.
SCENE 9. HOSPITAL.
FADE IN TO ICU:
(We see Kingsley glaring at Dr. Never as he stands over an ailing Margareet)
KINGSLEY: (pensive) Well, heck, what’re ya doin’ here, doctor?
DR. NEVER: (stoic) I’m a doctor, Kingsley. I work here.
KINGSLEY: (accusingly) Ya, doncha. Well I saw ya touchin’ my wife there in a manner not real like a doctor should be touchin’ a patient, there you betcha.
DR. NEVER: (ignores Kingsley’s accusation) Your wife is very ill. She needs medical attention. Now, if you’ll excuse me…
(tries to leave but Kingsley stands in his way)
KINGSLEY: (stammering) Oh really now? Ya, I saw what I saw there, now, doctor, so…
DR. NEVER: (urgently) Excuse me, Kingsley, or i’ll do to you what I did to your daughter Trix after she OD’d on hand sanitizer…
KINGSLEY: (anger rising) Are ya threatenin’ me, there, you betcha??
(Dr. Never pushes his way past Kingsley, leaves)
(Kingsley huffs at the encounter with Dr. Never, rushes to Margareet. She is unconscious)
KINGSLEY: (sadly) Ah, dangit, Margie. Dangit, then, ya know. Somethin’ better not be goin’ on with the doctor there, you betcha…
(we see tears begin to form in Kingsley’s eyes, cut to Margareet opening hers)
FADE TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS OVER THEME MUSIC.
Wow! You can cut the tension with a butter knife. This is just a taste of what this groundbreaking show will be like. Care to star in it? All you need to do is post a convincing comment or send in your resume. Be sure to list your talents, hidden talents, acting experience and whether or not you can cry on command if kicked square in the guts.