Category Archives: Local

Tilda Swinton Adds Fargo Shapeshifting Charity Tour Stop

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Will morph 4 U.

Fargo: The Witching Hour is nigh upon you. Famed Hollywood actress Tilda Swinton, best known for her superior acting prowess, is spearheading Breast Cancer Awareness month by bringing one of her lesser-known talents on a nationwide tour for charity.

Tilda Swinton’s Witching Hour gives patrons an up-close glimpse into her uncanny ability to shape-shift. Metaphysical duality will be on live display as Swinton morphs from a human to a ghost, floats aimlessly about the crowd caressing cheeks and twirling hair, then returns to form. This bewildering spectacle can be seen for the low-low price of $69.95 per person, 100% of which Swinton will donate to breast cancer awareness.

In a promotional video (that has been banned by YouTube) Swinton could be seen chanting “You will come. You will witness, in awe, the inspiring movement. You. Will. Experience.”

This marks the fifth consecutive year Tilda Swinton’s Witching Hour tours the nation but only the first time it appears in Fargo.

The witching shall commence at midnight October 29th in a field next to Hector Airport.

A large medium will read palms and minds to open the show.

Pokemon Go Trainer Wants Your Ass In His Class

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OmryPeled4

Glef Chryznc: Poketrain with him, or you’re nothing.

Fargo, ND – There is high local demand for Pokegoods and Pokeservices now that the hot new app Pokemon Go has taken America by storm. People of all ages are looking to level-up as they embark on a quest to “catch them all” as quickly as possible. Unfortunately for some, leveling up requires a combination of physical as well as mental ability. The pokemon aren’t going to come to you.

Enter Glef Chryznc. Glef is the sole proprietor of “ChryzPhit” a crossfit gym on the outskirts of town. This gym specializes in crossfit training, but as the need for Poketrainers continues to grow, Glef has decided to moonlight as a Poketrainer at his facility in Northeast Fargo.

His last name also has ZERO vowels, so be confident he can amp your gains.

Poketrainin’ = fun!

Glef will run you through crossfit-ish parkour training to get you up trees and atop buildings. You will also undergo rigorous hand-eye coordination drills that are sure to hone your Pokeskills.

Glef claims he can transform you into a Pokehunting machine in as little as five days. 

The facility is open Monday thru Friday from midnight to noon, then noon to midnight. Weekends hours are 12:00 to midnight. Holiday hours are midnight to midnight.

Grab life by the pokeballs at ChryzPhit!

Zombie Jimmy Hoffa Emerges From South Fargo Sinkhole

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Cell phone photograph of Zombie Jimmy Hoffa inside the sinkhole!

Fargo, ND – After many years of wondering, pontificating and scouring its whereabouts, the location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body has finally revealed itself. Shortly after a gaping sinkhole opened up on 9th avenue and 42nd Street south, the zombified body of the notedly-vanished former Teamster’s Union President slowly emerged.

Seen via cell phone footage: “No employer really accepts a union,” said Zombie Hoffa from inside what is and has apparently been his grave for over 40 years. “People have a right to a fair day’s wage for a fair day’s work.” 

Hoffa continued to blather on and on about unions and fairness until a conspicuously nearby Speaker Of The House Paul Ryan kicked him back into the hole.

It is believed that this F-M area “sinkhole” has been Hoffa’s government witness protection facility since his disappearance in 1975.

FM Observer Recruits Pizzaologist To Analyze Alleged New Pizza Corner Flavor

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Not the new logo.

Not a/the new logo.

Fargo, ND – As you are surely aware, Valley City’s own Pizza Corner pizza has been bought out by a Minnesota company named Bernatello’s. Much hubbub has been tossed about over the “new flavor” reveal. People are talking.

An example: “It smells like corporate influence. Like a suit and tie got caught in the packaging. It tastes shallow and pedantic, like a wealthy conglomerate,” states longtime Pizza Corner customer 2ddie Pophentopp via a Facebook post.

What we’ve gleaned from all this commotion is that there is a high probability of difference between pre-buyout and post-buyout Pizza Corner, although who can be sure?

Caxton Nudewrath, Pizzaologist®

Caxton Nudewrath, Pizzaologist®

That is why the FM Observer has recruited noted Pizzaologist Caxton Nudewrath to settle the debate over whether or not the new entity is doing anything different to the famous ‘za.

Nudewrath’s credentials leave no question as to his qualification. “I come to you with a major in Oven Physics and a minor in Grease Tactics; and a Masters in AmerItalian Cuisine with a PhD in Pizzaology.”

His colleagues agree. Ertson McFluck, noted Pizzaologist with sub-studies in flatbread and pot pie, has traveled the world analyzing pizza with Nudewrath. “Caxton has tried every type of ‘za in every major city in America and even abroad during his 6-month stint in Sicily. He will dissect every delectable dissimilarity–however numerous–between pre-buyout and post-buyout Pizza Corner. You can trust him as far as you can throw him.”

The summation of Nudewrath’s final analysis of Pizza Corner’s esteemed taco flavor variety:

“Initial comparison between pre-buyout and post-buyout Taco Pizza leaves me little to discuss. If you put a gun to my head and asked me to….well, actually, why would you threaten my life over pizza? Are you completely insane?? You’re the kind of person who should fail a background check. Anyway, the difference here is negligible and mostly indiscernible. They are compositionally, olfactarily and flavorously the same. Now if you’ll excuse me, i’m desperately needed at Pizza Palace headquarters in Veltchasm, Kentucky.”

 

FM Observer To Sponsor Park Wood Cemetery Renovation

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Humor in death

Strategic Brand Placement

Fargo, ND – The north wing of Park Wood Cemetery in Fargo has been in dire need of a facelift for quite some time. Tombs are moldy, crypts are dungy and the rats have colonized a functioning village. This has led the city to seek an overhaul of this historic burial site.

Today, via a no-so-generous grant made to the Graveyard Committee, we are proud to announce that many of this graveyard’s deceased will be eternally housed behind a new moniker!

strategic brand placement

Personalized tombstones! Choose from one of our many style types. We’ll come up with a catchy epitaph for your loved ones to chuckle at when they come to visit. “Yeah, that Gacky…life really did kill him to death, ha ha. It sure was nice of FM Observer to sponsor his burial. What a terrific satirical news agency they are, ya you betcha.”

Park Wood Cemetery (in association with the Death Task Force) has partnered with brand pioneers FM Observer® for a sponsored renovation agreement.

In exchange for our donation, Park Wood is allowing strategic brand placement in its north wing. After the renovation, you will see our brand and our slogan obscenely adorning gates and stone engravings because we, like many corporations, love to publish our brand in places where it really doesn’t need to be.

In accordance with this deal, FM Observer is allotted numerous personal Brand Actuality Agreements. You can have the FM Observer logo or slogan engraved onto your tombstone, crypt, headstone or mausoleum. And why stop there! We’d be glad to emboss your coffin with a glossy graphic or etch one of our catch phrases into your urn after cremation.

Email us at fmobserver@gmail.com for posthumous sponsorship arrangements.

West Fargo Lagoon Workers Tired Of Taking Crap From Everyone

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Pictured: An unintentionally hilarious sign at the waste stabilization pond

West Fargo, ND – Waste Stabilization Pond Foreman Chlaff Peenisackle has seen it all come through. Severed limbs, sea monkey colonies, the physical manifestation of shame from the night before. These are only a few of what atrocities find their way into West Fargo’s lagoon. But what Peenisackle dislikes the most is taking crap from the public.

“We’re all real sick of taking your crap,” says Peenisackle, probably in reference to all the complaints raised over the foul stench emanating from his lagoon. “All you people do is give us crap, man. We’re doing all we can here. You can flush all the drugs and muscle tendon you want down the toilet–I don’t care–but please, stop giving us so much crap (about the smell).”

On a windy day, you can really tell that there’s a lot of crap being put up with over there. A noxious odor wafts its way into your nose, and then the crap (likely referring to complaints) starts to roll in.

“All it takes is a little sun and some breeze, then here comes the crap,” says Waste Stabilization Specialist Doadie Humpsnift. 

Lagoon workers are imploring the fine folks of Fargo and points West: please stop giving them crap (presumably, about the odor).

City of Fargo Approves Sidewalk Lemonade Stand Tax Break

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Brought to you by the Appropriations Committee

Brought to you by the Appropriations Committee

Block 9 appropriations wasn’t the only thing on the Fargo City Commission’s agenda last night. Not only did they approve 15.5 million dollars to help fund Doug Burgum’s skyscraper, but with a 5-0 vote they appropriated an additional $1 million for sidewalk lemonade stands.  

After little Timmy finishes the mountain of application paperwork required, it will be reviewed by the Appropriations Committee. Some applicants will be denied because, well, the committee members aren’t idiots. They aren’t going to lend just anyone money for their projects.

Only 10,000 applicants will be approved leaving each young entrepreneur with 100 dollars of taxpayer startup funds. One anonymous city commissioner said: “This is a really nice thing we are doing for Fargo’s kids. In every urban neighborhood, folks will have the chance to get their choice of organic, non-GMO, GMO’d-up-the-ass or just plain old Kool-Aid quality lemonade.”

The commissioner then leaned in and whispered: “Also, the taxpayers might actually not lose money on this one.”

Xcel Energy Announces Power Outage Compensation Plan

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I kill your power with glee and envy.

Fargo, ND – Faulty equipment. The ritualistic conjuring of ancient evils. Fallen tree branches. Squirrels and other burrowing rodents. Global warming. What do these things have in common? Yes, they’re all signs of the coming apocalypse. But also, they are reasons of blame for the local recurrence of Xcel Energy power outages.

Fargo-Moorhead area Xcel customers want to know: What is being done about all these lights quittin’ and whatnot? Will there be indemnity? Reimbursement?  People are sick of their homes turning into caves on a regular basis.

Enjoy the free power.

Whatever.

Finally, Xcel is providing answers. Here’s what’s being done about the repetitive circuit zapping: The energy provider is awarding a compensation package to customers affected by these outages.

If you’ve suffered a power outage during 2016, you will be provided a compensation package that includes a solar panel keychain and your very own frizzled tree squirrel carcass.

Your package will be mailed to the affected address, no questions asked.  

Xcel expects to ship a buttload of these during the weeks to come.

City of Fargo Debuts New Rabbit Bounty Program

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Mister Wabbit, before you die, you can have one wast wish!” – Elmer Fudd

Here at FM Observer we like to take input from the “common folk” of the FM area. Their biggest complaint is that the rabbit population has been hare-balling out of control and let me tell you, people are furiously fed up. As a result, the city has hastily issued a new program that will: 1. take care of the excessive rabbit population and 2. Let disgruntled citizens blow off some steam. 

The City of Fargo announced today that a new rabbit bounty program will take effect this weekend appropriately on Friday the 13th.

The guidelines of the program include:

  • Bounty will pay $5 per rabbit, $3 per bunny
  • Rewards can be traded for a deduction against your yearly city taxes or free beer
  • First 100 rabbits you are able to bag will get you a seat at the city’s Rabbit Stew Banquet Dinner including free beer
  • Shoot to kill; there are no limits

One might ask what exactly is the city going to do with all these rabbits? Rumors are being spread that the city is starting a huge municipal fur company. Or, perhaps the meat will find its way to your local farmer’s market.

Germany imports $40 million worth of rabbits every year! This could put Fargo on the map as a renowned animal trader, so get out there and start shooting up.

FMO Hunting Season

The Northern Fargo North Dakota

The Northern To Begin Drug Testing Female Dancers

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The Northern Fargo North Dakota

Wanted: Elevated levels (of talent)

Fargo, ND – Fargo’s only gentlemen’s club is undergoing a drastic change in worker policy. Club Northern has vowed to begin drug testing female talent, but with a catch: To comply with this zany new policy, dancers must FAIL the test.

Newly-appointed club manager Lucian Dontabulo refused to comment. “No comment,” he said. He then went on to say “I don’t want my dancers coming in here clean. Every dancer I’ve ever managed has been on something. Dirty dancers print money. They make it rain like the Amazon, bro. Just sayin’ — don’t bring the juice unless it’s tainted.”

New hire eligibility is now contingent on a drug test containing greater than trace amounts of any narcotic.

Current dancers will be tested at random, once every month. Those who fail will be rewarded the usual stipend. Those who pass will be written up with a warning. Three consecutive warnings will get you 86’d.

This controversial new policy does not apply to amateur night contestants. Any random who’s brave enough to jump up there and swing on the pole is still welcome to try it.

The Northern does not enforce said testing policy nor does it employ the club manager referred to therein. This post is satire.