Category Archives: News

Classes, We Are Offering. Yoda Speak, You Shall Learn.

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Star_wars_yodaND, Fargo—Proud to announce, FM Observer is: Anastrophe classes, we’re providing. What, anastrophe is? Normal syntactic order of words, the inversion of. Yoda talks, it is how.

Excited to offer them, we are. Take them, you must. Enlighten yourself, you will. Attend, you are welcome to. Wednesday nights, they are scheduled.

Three hours, in length they are. Two months, they will last. Yoda speak, we shall educate you on. Perfect it, you will. Piss off everyone, you shall. Alienate your friends, you are going to.

Include, the program does:

  • Grammatical syntax, the inversion of
  • Vocal inflection, the warbling of

Teach you, we will. Verbal exercises, you must complete. Master a 2nd language, you shall.

$500, it will cost. An 8-week trial, you shall endure. Yoda boot camp, you will call it. Frustrated, you shall turn. Quit prior to graduating, you most certainly will.

F-M Labor Temple, they will be located. 7:00pm, they will start. 10:00pm, they will end. January 15th, it will commence. April 2nd, it will terminate. Insane, you shall go.

Learn to speak Yoda, you must. The Force, you will be with.

Proof of a Yeti

Casselton Resident Says He Has Proof Of A Yeti

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Casselton, ND – A Casselton resident states that he has indisputable proof that a Yeti visited his home earlier this morning.

Mr. Jones, a Casselton North Dakota resident was awakened early this morning to his doorbell ringing.  Upon answering the door, Mr. Jones stated that nobody was there.

“I live in the country and rarely have visitors.  I found it odd that someone would ring my doorbell in the morning.”

Mr. Jones then put on his winter gear and ventured outside just to make sure nobody needed help.

“That’s when I spotted these weird footprints.”

Below is the picture Mr. Jones captured of the footprint.

Proof of a Yeti

“Now, I know what a Yeti is.  I’ve watched the show finding bigfoot, one of my favorites I might add, so I immediately knew this was a Yeti footprint.  I couldn’t believe it!  Right in my front yard!”

Mr. Jones continued to search his property but didn’t find much.

“There was some type of feces on my doorstep.  I thought that was pretty weird.  I don’t know.  Maybe it wanted a beer.  It’s been cold out here for a while now.  I’d imagine the Yeti around here would like a warm house like mine to live in.  I’d welcome them in anytime!”

Mr. Jones is going to submit his evidence to the Yeti Research Institute immediately as he is sure he has absolutely proof that a Yeti visited his home.

What do you think?

Priceless Document Eaten By Fargo Dog

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Schnauzer devours priceless Thomas Edison documents.

Schnauzer devours priceless Thomas Edison documents.

Fargo, ND – Retired teacher Olydia Blankstad was living in her modest home at 414 Gregory Lane on a very limited retirement income from 50 years of teaching American history.

At the ripe age of 86, she had lost both her first and second husbands to cancer, and was now living with her faithful pet schnauzer, Mister Biscuits.

Recently, Olydia decided to look through some old stuff in her dusty, cold attic.

While snooping around, she discovered a very old folder that was hiding in a secret nook in the wall.

After she carefully pulled it out and blew off the dust, she opened up the aged, brown folder.

Looking through her tri-focal glasses, her eyes gazed at something that took her breath away.

The contents of the folder appeared to be the original documentation for patent number 223,898.

It was dated November 4, 1879.

The patent had been requested by a Mr. Thomas Alva Edison.

It was for an electric lamp that “used a carbon filament or strip coiled and connected to platina contact wires”.

Up in her attic, Ms. Olydia Blankstad had just found the original patent application for the incandescent light bulb.

Not long after, some top experts were called to Olydia’s home to check the authenticity of the document.

Once it was found to be the real thing, it was estimated that the value of the original light bulb patent was worth an astounding $10 million dollars.

After years of being poor, Olydia Blankstad was going to be mega-rich.

The experts temporarily put Thomas Edison’s light bulb patent down on the kitchen table to go into her living room to set up for a group photo shoot that was to be used in all the national publications.

While unattended, her hungry pet schnauzer wandered into the kitchen.

Mister Biscuits was curious about the old document and proceeded to jump up onto the kitchen table.

A few minutes later, when the photographer came into the kitchen to retrieve the valuable patent, he saw Mister Biscuits just finishing eating his $10 million dollar snack.

Upon hearing the news, Ms. Olydia Blankstad suddenly died of a heart attack.

Mister Biscuits was later put down.

And the incandescent light bulb has now been banned by our government.

North Dakota Farmer Takes Wrong Turn, Never Heard From Again

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Shitsville, ND

anywhere, ND

Lisbon, ND – A Lisbon-area wheat farmer has been reported missing. This vast expanse of frozen nothingness has swallowed up yet another victim, it seems, most likely from a missed turn on a gravel road.

Wendell Pierce was reportedly driving back to his farmstead last night after making a trip to Lisbon to pick up a few things. It is believed that during a drive-time fight with a fruit fly in his pickup, Wendell completely spaced turning into his gravel driveway on a remote country road in Southeastern ND and simply kept on going.

Mr. Pierce is now missing. He could be anywhere in the state as he does not own a GPS or a smartphone and the state is mainly comprised of nothing but miles and miles of white tundra bisected by uncharted and poorly-maintained gravel roads.

A statewide search has NOT yet been initiated due to the fact that local search and rescue is too scared to venture out into “The Abyss”. The Observer is asking that you pray like hell he finds his own way back because nobody is crazy enough to go out looking for him.

Recreational Use of Alcohol Now Legal In Colorado

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A happy Colorado citizen, drunk off of legally-purchased alcohol

A happy Colorado citizen, “drunk” off legally-purchased alcohol

Denver, CO—At the turn of the new year, legislation passed in the state of Colorado permitted  “liquor stores” to begin selling alcoholic beverages over-the-counter directly to citizens. This has infuriated MAID (Mothers Against Impaired Driving), who think that this move will open the floodgates to thousands upon thousands of alcohol-related deaths due to over-consumption of the drug, not to mention the increase in motor-vehicle casualties caused by intoxicated driving.

MAID has been fighting the good fight against stoned driving ever since its founder’s son was killed by a stoned driver, a driver who obtained the drug legally via one of the thousands of pot shops where marijuana is and has been legal to buy since prohibition ended in 1933. On a yearly basis, the nation does experience a handful of marijuana-related vehicle fatalities, but as of press time, there have been zero cases of overdose.

Alcohol, if illegally consumed at too high a quantity over a short period of time, can be fatal. It can also severely impair one’s hand-eye coordination. It is said that a mere 2 drinks consumed in under one hour can hinder one’s ability to safely operate a motor vehicle. Now, with easy accessibility of tasty alcoholic beverages, cases of alcohol poisoning and driving while intoxicated in Colorado are set to skyrocket.

Political analysts cannot even fathom how Colorado was able to pass this legislation. They say that even with no proven medicinal purpose, demand for legal recreational use of alcohol has increased substantially over the years leaving state lawmakers no choice but to decriminalize.

Meet the Press’s Gregory David:

“This new legislation will turn disastrous for Colorado. Its roads will become a haven for vehicular manslaughter and its people will start dying at insane numbers due to overconsumption. Colorado will become the most ridiculously dangerous state in the union now that alcohol is legal.”

2 Fargo schoolchildren left unattended on school bus; resorted to cannabalism

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"Is anybody out there?" he stated while eating his friends leg.

“Is anybody out there?” he stated while eating his friend’s leg.

Fargo, ND – In a very short series of unfortunate events, two Fargo school children were left for dead in a Valley Bus school bus Thursday morning.

Temperatures reached a staggering 23 below when the children were left to battle the elements all by themselves.  Unfortunately, the temperature continued to dive and reached a mind blowing 40 below.

One of the children tried to hold on but the elements proved too tough and he ended up freezing to death right there in the bus.  The other child, desperate to survive, had to resort to cannibalism in order to stay awake as he was slipping fast.

The child used a plastic scissor, a scissor that had been used just the day before to cut beautiful snow flakes out of construction paper,  to cut his friends leg off.

For the next grueling 5 hours, the child had to feast upon the leg of his dead friend.  Luckily, a Valley Bus worker who needed to clean the bus unexpectedly walked onto the scene.

“I stepped up into the bus and that’s when I saw it.  Blood everywhere.  There was a leg propped up on one of the seats.  It was horrible.”

The surviving bloody child was then rescued from the bus and taken to the nearest shower.  Presumably to wash the blood and flesh off.

The mother would like to know what went wrong.

“Where did my child get the idea to cut someone’s leg off?  Is this what they are teaching my child?  How am I supposed to trust them with my kids? This is serious and I plan on suing.”

Valley Bus could not be reached for comment.

Area Man Wants To Tell You All About Epic New Year’s Eve Party

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19161226_3de09088ef_bFargo, ND—Below-zero temps never stopped one area man from having a good time on New Year’s Eve! Vince Noisewater of Fargo had a rockin’ good time on New Year’s Eve, and now you’re gonna hear about it.

“What’d you do for new year’s, bro?” Vince asked, baiting you with an open-ended question just so he could fire back with intimate details of his Dec 31st exploits. “Yeah, I was at this rager. Shit, bro, you should’ve seen all the tail. Chicks were dressed up all fancy and junk. Man, it was epic.”

Vince went on to explain how much he drank and who he failed to get with at midnight. He even went as far as to depict what color his vomit was later that night. “Was crushing 99 Bananas shots all night, dog! It looked like I was peeing out my mouth!”

Chris Christie: “I want to eat more voters in 2014”

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ct-talk-aj-2-chris-christie-0212

Cannibal? Or just hungry?

The FM Observer was granted permission to speak with currently-seated New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (R). In a recently staged phone interview, the Observer asked a series of questions pertaining to his political practice, a future presidential run, and the status of hurricane Sandy relief:

FM Observer: First and foremost, as many in the political circle are wondering, are you preparing a campaign for President in 2016?

Governor Christie: “President Christie. That has a nice ring to it! But we’ll see. Nothing engraved in stone at this time.”

FMO: In your opinion, is humanity as a whole moving in a positive or negative direction?

GC: “I think that from a political standpoint, we, as a species, are stagnating. There have been equal amounts of progression and regression—specifically in the realm of human rights—abortion rights and gay rights in particular. With all due respect to our political party and the GOP, I have to say we’ve been sticking our pudgy little sausage fingers where they might not belong. That’s something I intend to work on in my political future.”

FMO: What has been your biggest accomplishment so far?

GC: Let’s see (long pause)…my cooperation with President Obama during the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy was huge for me. A republican working alongside a disgustingly liberal democratic President to provide quick and sustainable emergency relief to the citizens of our great state was pretty remarkable.”

FMO: The end of 2013 is upon us, and what a year it’s been. Moving forward, what key political strategy would you like to employ as governor in 2014?

GC: “I want to reach out directly to the residents of New Jersey. I want to try to be more accessible, you know? I want to eat more voters in 2014. No, i’m sorry. Scratch that, ha ha—I want to meet more voters in 2014 (BURP). Oh my god, I can’t believe…I… i’m so embarrassed.”

A classic Freudian slip from Governor Christie, who has admittedly struggled with weight gain in recent years. Christie apologized profusely for the slip, reiterating that he does not wish to consume human flesh. He then stated off-the-record that he was distracted over the loss of hit television show “Breaking Bad” and the elimination of many starches from his diet. He then ended the interview.

Get Your Ass To The Moon Soon

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Why do you think they called him "Buzz"?

Why do you think they called him “Buzz”?

Los Angeles, CA – At the swanky home of Sir Ashton Kutcher, plans are well underway to begin the Earthification of the Moon.

Ashton Kutcher and Buzz Aldrin are self-appointed co-chairmen of the Moon Earthification Project.

Even tho they don’t agree on every detail of Project Moon, one thing they do agree on is: “Once we’ve established a McDonald’s restaurant on the McMoon, then everything else can build off of that. As long as early Moon workers can go get a few McNuggets and a McFries, things should start to seem Earthly” said General Kutcher to the Moon Project Groupies.

Red-eyed Buzz Aldrin then went on to describe some of the other exciting plans: He will be opening a large moon bar called “Just Buzzed”.

His friend, Neil Armstrong, along with the Michael Jackson Neverland Foundation, will be building the Moon Walk Mall, which Donald Trump says “will be fabulous”.

Moon Unit Zappa, daughter of the late great Frank Zappa, will be naming each new community Moon Unit #1, Moon Unit #2, and so on, and so forth.

The Chinese have already begun construction of an exciting series of Olympic-style Ping Pong Parks all connected by a nexus of smog-free bike paths.

Iran is building multiple nuclear reactors which will supposedly only be used for generating power, according to Secretary John Kerry, who will be personally doing monthly verificational inspections.

Affordable ObamaCare Health Centers will be available for anyone who has recently lost their health insurance due to ObamaCare, and whose combined annual income is less than $23,000, and who has voted Democratically in the last six election cycles.

Ashton Kutcher sums it all up like this: “The Earthification of the Moon has begun and is now unstoppable. The more we can make the Moon like Earth, the more people are going to want to make the move to the Moon, which will result in less people on Earth, which should hopefully slow down global warming due to the build-up of extremely toxic gases such as Carbon Dioxide.”

When axed what role he would like to play in all this, Ashton Kutcher thoughtfully admits that he wants his main goal to be the minimization of the sexploitation of minors on the Moon, by such heinous groups as the Catholic Church, and the nefarious Sexaholic Politicians Anonymous.

If you would like more information about getting YOUR ass to the Moon, please go to www.Healthcare.gov and simply click on the “Moon Unit” icon, near the top of the page. Don’t forget to enter the passcode: BUZZ.

Area Aunt Wants You To Know She Included Receipt With Your Christmas Gift

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It's okay.

It’s okay.

Fargo, ND—Your aunt wanted to remind you that the box that the sweater she gave you came in does, in fact, have the receipt inside should you want to return it, sources confirmed at Christmas yesterday. This news comes with the knowledge that at press time, your aunt was not sure what size you wore.

“Here, keep this in your wallet should you need it,” your aunt demanded as she thrust the receipt into your hand. “If that’s too small or too big or whatever, you can return it. I won’t mind.”

Local aunts are reinforcing the notion that it’s OK if you need to return their gifts—that’s why they included the receipt.