florida herpes monkeys

Herpes-infected Monkeys Terrorize Florida

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florida herpes monkeysHundreds of rare wild monkeys — some carrying herpes — are on the loose in Florida after a tour guide brought the spunky critters to the state long ago.

Wildlife officials said that three pairs of Rhesus monkeys were transported to a park near Ocala in the 1930s by tour operator Colonel Tooey after a “Tarzan” flick sparked a fascination with the creature.

But the breed has since boomed and more than 1,000 of the monkeys now live in the state, wildlife officials say.

State officials have caught more than 700 of the monkeys in the past decade — most of which tested positive for the herpes-B virus.

Wildlife officials now consider the monkeys a public health hazard.

Read more….

fargo gate to hell

Scientists Discover A Gate to Hell In Fargo North Dakota

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fargo gate to hellIn breaking news, scientists have literally discovered a gate to hell.

This fiery hole of death was found right here in a farm field north of Fargo, North Dakota.  The farmer who farms the land was doing his regular gallop to check out his crops when he noticed in the middle of the field, light coming out of a hole.  Farmer Joe got off his cow (he rides cows not horses) and walked towards the light.

“As I got closer I realized it was a fiery hole of death from hell!  I ran back to my cow and rode him home, scared, and soaking with sweat!”

Farmer Joe contacted the local authorities who in turn contacted local scientists around the Fargo/Moorhead area.  Five scientists were sent out the next day on their horses and confirmed that it actually is a legitimate gate to hell.

Could it really be?  Scientists say they are absolutely sure.  Fargo, North Dakota is a perfect spot for satan and his minions to open up a gate to hell, they say.  With winter five months out of the year and wind and rain two months out of the year, the town is filled with pain, misery, and hopeless dreams.

Is Satan and his minions planning an attack?  Using the gate to hell as a spawn point?  Or will they use it as a recruiting tool?  Or possibly a spot to sacrifice humans to please their leader?  We don’t know for sure yet.  Bill is trying to secure an interview with Satan himself but his assistants are being difficult dicks, he says.

Local authorities have blocked off all areas surrounding the hole from hell and stated they will arrest anyone who crosses the line or tries entering the hole.

Story is developing……

Oscar The Grouch

Oscar The Grouch Admits He Is Made Of Marijuana

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Oscar The GrouchOscar The Grouch, a muppet character from the ever so popular kids show Sesame Street, has finally come clean about himself.

Today on Good Morning America, Oscar has revealed to the world that he is actually made out of Marijuana.

“I feel it was time to finally come clean about myself.  I am indeed, one big nug of weed.”

Parents Television Council have been in a huff since this revelation as Sesame Street is a childrens television show.

Concerned parents are afraid Oscar The Grouch will endanger their children, turn them into murderers, and become a gateway to more hardcore drugs.  However, after speaking with some current and former children on the show, they stated that they have been smoking Oscar The Grouch for quite sometime now which explains why they always seem so happy on the show.

oscar the grouch smoking weed

Oscar states that he does not put pressure on any children to smoke him but does admit it helps him, as well as the children, deal with the fact that there is a big yellow talking bird on the show.  It also calms his nerves due to the stress of living in a garbage can all his life.

FMO Interviews The Queen Of England

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The Queen sits with us for an interview.

The Queen sits with us for an interview.

London, England – Who says persistence doesn’t pay off? After many repeated requests for an exclusive interview with the Royal Queen of England, she finally graciously agreed to grant us permission to ask her a few questions. Enjoy!

FM Observer: You’re known to many as Queen Elizabeth II. What is your actual full name?
Her Majesty: My real name is Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor.

FM Observer: Is that the name on your passport?
Her Majesty: Actually, I don’t have a passport.

FM Observer: Do you have any favorite nicknames?
Her Majesty: Oh, probably Lillibet, which is short for Elizabeth.

FM Observer: May we call you Lillibet?
Her Majesty: No, you may not.

FM Observer: What about this one: When is your birthday?
Her Majesty: I have two birthdays. April 21, 1926 is my actual birthday, however it is celebrated on the second Saturday in June. This is called the Trooping of the Colours.

FM Observer: Well, that certainly makes a lot of sense. We’ve heard that you can order a dark beer in eleven languages. Just for fun, how would you say it in…French?
Her Majesty: Je voudrais un biere brune, s’il vous plait.

FM Observer: Very impressive. So, do you actually want a beer?
Her Majesty: No, of course not.

FM Observer: They describe you as a constitutional monarch. Is that some sort of butterfly?
Her Majesty: Are you serious? Is this interview almost over?

FM Observer: Hey, I’m asking the questions here. Who was your Daddy and what did he Do?
Her Majesty: His name was King George VI and he was the King of England. I have been Queen since February 6, 1952, ever since he died.

FM Observer: What is your husband’s full name?
Her Majesty: That would be Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh.

FM Observer: Is it true that both you and your husband, Prince Philip are great great grandchildren of Queen Victoria?
Her Majesty: Yes, that is true. Why do you ask?

FM Observer: So, would it not also be true that both of you share Queen Victoria as your great great grandmother?
Her Majesty: Yes, that is also true. Where are we going with this?

FM Observer: Well, then, since you are a direct descendant of Queen Victoria’s oldest son King Edward VII, and since your husband, The Duke of Edinburgh is a direct descendant of Queen Victoria’s third child Princess Alice, then would not that mean that you married your third cousin?!
Her Majesty: What?! Was this whole interview a set up so you could accuse me of an incestuous marriage?

FM Observer: OK, since we seem to have hit a sensitive hot button issue, let’s wrap it up with one final topic. You seem to like dogs. More specifically, the Corgi breed. What are the names of some of your favorite Corgis?
Her Majesty: Gloin, Gizzard, and Puke.

FM Observer: How did you come up with those names?
Her Majesty: From trying to describe my feelings after doing interviews like this one. Good Day!

New Government Board Game: The Red Line

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"The Red Line" is a new fun family board game.

“The Red Line” is a new fun family board game.

Washington, DC – The Obamadministration is mandating that all Americans will need to purchase a new government board game called “The Red Line”.

It is, in part, designed to educate the American public about the current Syrian Crisis.

It will also hopefully help build support for Congress to back President Obama’s desire to bomb the hell out of Syria for its continued alleged use of chemical weapons.

This new board game is not only fun for the whole family, but will also teach players about actual evidence collected by the U.S. Government regarding the Syrian leader’s nefarious crimes against humanity.

Each player gets to set their own Red Line. If any other player crosses your Red Line, you can then decide whether or not you want to punish them into submission, let it go unpunished for a week or a month, or wait to see if Congress votes to get the United States involved in another wasp-nest quagmire.

Fun game cards throw in some crazy random twists to your growing problematic situation, such as: President Obama shows strength by going golfing, Secretary John Kerry offers free ketchup to the entire Middle East, Ambassador Dennis Rodman plays basketball with Syrian President Assad.

60% of all proceeds from “The Red Line” board game will go to the Democratic Party to support their candidates in the upcoming 2014 and 2016 elections. The other 60% will help build President Obama’s Presidential Library which has been designed to be transparent, just like his presidency.

Any American citizens who choose to not purchase “The Red Line” board game will be crossing another red line, punishable by a $250,000 fine and up to 10 years in a federal prison.

Batman Speaks Out Regarding Ben Affleck Casting Decision

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Batman_Begins_1GOTHAM CITY—The Dark Knight. The Caped Crusader. The Bat Man. Whatever you want to call him, you call him that with a straight face and some respect because he takes the role of Gotham’s Protector very seriously.

So seriously in fact, that when he found out who would be playing him in the upcoming series of Batman/Superman movies he took to the underground media to voice his opinion on the topic:

“BEN AFFLECK….HAS BEEN IN MANY MOVIES….PLAYED MANY CHARACTERS….HE’S EVEN DIRECTED A FEW….HELL, HE EVEN….PLAYED ‘DAREDEVIL’ ONCE…..BUT THAT……DOES NOT SUFFICIENTLY….PREPARE HIM…..FOR THE ROLE…..OF THE DARK KNIGHT….JUST BECAUSE…..THE SUIT FITS….DOESN’T MEAN…..YOU SHOULD WEAR IT……I MEAN…..LOOK AT GEORGE CLOONEY……THAT…..WAS A TOTAL…..DISASTER…….AND VAL KILMER…….DON’T GET ME….STARTED….WHEN I SAW…..THAT PATHETIC EFFORT….I ALMOST CALLED…..THE JUSTICE LEAGUE….TO HAVE HIM…..EXTERMINATED…..LIKE A PIECE….OF GOTHAM CITY….TRASH…..THE AFFLECK ERA….WILL GO NO BETTER….CHRISTIAN BALE….MICHAEL KEATON….THAT’S WHERE IT’S AT…..”

And then, in a blink of an eye, he was gone. It is not unlike Batman to be very direct with his insight. He’s clearly against the Affleck decision. To please the Dark Knight, perhaps Hollywood should go another route? Not even Bryan Cranston as Lex Luthor can save this casting blunder.