Hurricane Limbaugh has its eye on the mainstream media.
Palm Beach, FL – After Rush Limbaugh suggested that Hurricane Irma is merely a liberal hoax, Hurricane Limbaugh suddenly popped up in its place and is expected to stir things up on the mainland.
Obviously caused by climate change, which is caused by global warming, which is caused by fracking, Hurricane Limbaugh is on track to make landfall in the Palm Beach area, right where the Doctor of Democracy has his home base.
Hurricane Limbaugh is expected to wreak major havoc, just as Rush has been doing with his strong-winded criticisms of liberal ‘Democratics’ for three long decades.
Characteristics of Hurricane Limbaugh include: Very low pressure, an expansively large circulation, a calm and warm center, a strong force going outward in all directions, and many topical disturbances on a daily basis.
Earth’s gravity is pulling the Moon closer towards us. Scientists believe the Moon will eventually be just a few miles away.
Moon Unit, USA – The recent full super beaver moon is proof positive for many that the Moon is indeed moving closer to Earth.
Experts say that if the current rate continues, the Moon should be just a few miles away from Earth by the year 2035.
This process is what moonologists are calling Global Mooning.
Vladimir Johnson, who has been studying this topic for many moons, strongly believes that the Moon will eventually park itself just a few miles away from Miami, Florida.
This is believed to be the reason for the famous song: Moon Over Miami which was recently made famous by Ray Charles.
With our Moon soon basically permanently parked over southern Florida, this will open up a whole new world of possibilities for: 1. Moon living, 2. getting away from your in-laws, and 3. setting up an alternative society with its own new government.
If you would like to join the list of people who want to get away from it all (but don’t want to move to Canada), simply go to Healthcare.Gov and sign up! Please indicate what your current name is and then what name you would like to be called on the Moon.
Miami, FL – As hazardous Hurricane Hermine passed over Florida, most people were worried about the obvious winds, rains, and flooding from a category one hurricane.
What most people did not realize was that as tropical storm Hermine moved up along the East Coast, the mosquitos that carry the Zika Virus (mozikos) would get transported to new areas of the country.
So now, the toublesome Zika Virus will be spread much further North and much more quickly than previously predicted by the CDC and the FMObserver.
Luckily, your FMObserver has vigilant observers throughout the country who are constantly observing this and other potentially problematic situations, such as the Facebook satellite and Hillary’s hacked email server.
After picking up food from a McDonald’s drive-thru window, a pantsless 69-year-old Florida man allegedly tried to force a female employee to touch him as he masturbated in the front seat of his vehicle, police allege.
Steve Orville Clemons was at the drive-thru window of a Wildwood McDonald’s when the cashier “turned to him to give him his change.” At that point, the woman realized that Clemons was sans pants and was pleasuring himself.
Hundreds of rare wild monkeys — some carrying herpes — are on the loose in Florida after a tour guide brought the spunky critters to the state long ago.
Wildlife officials said that three pairs of Rhesus monkeys were transported to a park near Ocala in the 1930s by tour operator Colonel Tooey after a “Tarzan” flick sparked a fascination with the creature.
But the breed has since boomed and more than 1,000 of the monkeys now live in the state, wildlife officials say.
State officials have caught more than 700 of the monkeys in the past decade — most of which tested positive for the herpes-B virus.
Wildlife officials now consider the monkeys a public health hazard.
Washington, DC – With the George Zimmerman verdict serving as the straw that broke the camel’s back, the government of our fair nation has decided to (finally) close Florida’s border off from the rest of the country. This crudely-drawn map details the government’s plans to build a big ass wall clear across the FL-GA border and southwards, west of Tallahassee to the Gulf of Mexico:
Surely against their will, Alabama will be granted the excess land. If they so desire, the new section of Alabama can secede and become a territory. Call it “New Alabama”. No one will be allowed ground entry from Florida to Georgia or New Alabama in a brazen attempt to keep the psychotic riff raff comprising the state of Florida (better known as “America’s anus”) sectioned off from civilized humanity.
In a statement, President Obama outlined his plan:
“The Secretary of the Interior is currently extracting budgeted funds to finance the construction of a “Great Wall” that will completely seal the border, letting Florida govern and fend for itself forever. We will station National Guard members at strategically-placed watchtower locations along the Great Wall for protection. It’s time to seal that baby off. In addition to keeping our fellow Americans safe, thousands of jobs will be created to assist in the construction of the Great Wall. This maneuver is good for our economy and the only way to deal with Florida at this point.”
The President went on to say that commercial air travel will continue “at your own risk” for sports teams, vacationers, family visits and things of that nature. His apparent theory is that Florida riff raff don’t have the ways & means to travel by air anyway, thereby negating the need for a ‘no fly zone’. The Coast Guard will also be on high alert for any watercraft attempting to commute from the shores of Florida to American beaches. Water commuters will be treated as pirates and shot dead on sight.
Kudos to Obama for ostracizing the creatures of Florida to protect the rest of the country.