Tag Archives: authoritarianism

Moorhead Man Who Claims To Be The Real Santa Detained For Questioning

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There is a real Santa, and he’s being detained for questioning in Moorhead until after Christmas.

Moorhead, MN – Authorities in the quirky town of Moorhead have detained a man claiming to be the real Santa.

Investigators have a plan to hold the Santa Man until after Christmas to prove that either he is an impostor, or that he is indeed the real Santa, in which case millions of children throughout the world will not receive any presents for Christmas.

In the meantime, the Santa Man has requested some eggnog and cookies to help keep his spirits up, and some hay and salt blocks for his team of nine reindeer.

If you and your children would like to come and visit the Santa Man in jail to request presents for Christmas and possibly pet Rudolph and his friends in a temporary petting zoo, simply contact the Moorhead authorities who are detaining the real Santa and who are possibly going to ruin Christmas for everyone on Santa’s Nice List. 

Fargo Student Has Seriously Woke Minecraft

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Woke AF

Fargo, ND – One Fargo student has taken his Minecraft building talent to surreal levels. Geil Carmeister, 12, has caught the attention of friends, teachers, and the FM Observer with his uncanny ability to depict real life situations, especially geopolitical ones, using the computer-generated world simulation game Minecraft.

Geil is as woke or woker than your typical 6th-grader.

We’re gonna Minecraft a wall.

“This huge man is the President. This bush is the media. Watch.” His Minecraft screen then portrayed the huge man lighting the bush on fire and as it did so, the bush went away as the huge man grew larger in stature.

“This is the wall. The wall keeps out people,” he explained. “No one new can get over it.”

His parents express a limited amount of concern. “Geil is so lit! I wasn’t nearly as lit at that age,” says his father Burg. “I guess we’re mostly glad he’s paying attention. Mostly.”

Geil’s extremely dialed-in worldview is “just a passing phase” and is something he will “grow out of, unless he becomes a hipster” according to his mother Vanta, who chose to remain anonymous.