Tag Archives: cookies

FMO’s Medivan To Provide Free Medical Check-Ups To Shovelers

FMO’s new Medivan is now offering free full physical exams to anyone out shoveling.

West Fargo, ND – While out shoveling heavy snow and pushing your body to the limit, how would you like to step into the warmth of a mobile medical van for a free full physical examination?

Our long-time friend Dr. Fred Wangstone first had the idea of having a Medivan to provide free medical services while he was in prison for having impersonated a medical doctor.

Now that Dr. Wangstone is out of prison, your FM Observer has helped our friend Fred make his pipe dream come true!

If you are out shoveling your driveway, sidewalk, deck, or roof and you see Dr. Wangstone’s free Medivan coming down your unplowed street, simply wave it down to stop for your full free medical check-up along with unlimited Oreo cookies and some spicy hot rum punch.

How To Properly Entertain Guests In Your Home For Coffee Or Tea

It’s important to know how to properly entertain when inviting guests into your home.

West Fargo, ND Our staff member who’s considered to be the Fargo-Moorhead area’s Ms. Manners is our very own Ms. Morning Ipson!

Ms. Ipson has a few good tips for when you want to invite someone over to your place for some coffee or tea.

Morning says:

1. Meet the person at the door so you can personally throw their jacket on the floor.

2. If your dog is a barker, one twelve inch piece of duct tape around its mouth should mute the mutt.

3. Have some space cleared off on top of your kitchen table for you and your esteemed guest to sit amongst the towering stacks of magazines you’ve been planning on reading for years.

4. As you invite your honored guest to sit down, pull out an empty chair which you’ve wiped clean within the last month.

5. Offer your special guest either hot coffee or tea, accompanied by a fresh scone or crumpet, and then basically just serve them whatever the hell you have on hand.

6. Keep the conversation limited to small talk, unless your guest mentions anything about President Trump.

7. Have a cute decorative sign pointing to your bathroom which hopefully has been pre-flushed prior to your guest’s arrival.

8. After about an hour of delightful chit chat, tell your guest they now have to leave because you have another guest coming over in ten minutes (it’s not a lie if you believe it).

Interestingly, all of the letters in Morning Ipson can be spun around to spell: Spinning Room!

Piano Playing Support Group Supportive Of Playing Piano

The new Piano Playing Support Group is for everyone and anyone who likes to play the piano and eat cookies.

West Fargo, ND  A new support group for piano players is forming in West Fargo for people who might enjoy the benefits of such a group.

Dr. Abu Coplin will be hosting the Piano Player Support Group meetings at his new Pianomatic Support Center.

Each session will begin with a Meet & Greet, followed by participants taking turns playing piano, followed by treats and a discussion group called Issues & Tissues.

Participants will be invited to share their respective feelings on a Question of the Day, such as: What is your favorite note? Do you believe in chords? Why are some piano keys black whilst others are white? If you were a piano, would you play yourself?

If you’d be interested in joining the Piano Player Support Group, please contact Dr. Abu Coplin at his Pianomatic Support Center.

Ironically, all the letters in Abu Coplin can be re-arranged to spell: Piano Club!

Moorhead Man Who Claims To Be The Real Santa Detained For Questioning

There is a real Santa, and he’s being detained for questioning in Moorhead until after Christmas.

Moorhead, MN – Authorities in the quirky town of Moorhead have detained a man claiming to be the real Santa.

Investigators have a plan to hold the Santa Man until after Christmas to prove that either he is an impostor, or that he is indeed the real Santa, in which case millions of children throughout the world will not receive any presents for Christmas.

In the meantime, the Santa Man has requested some eggnog and cookies to help keep his spirits up, and some hay and salt blocks for his team of nine reindeer.

If you and your children would like to come and visit the Santa Man in jail to request presents for Christmas and possibly pet Rudolph and his friends in a temporary petting zoo, simply contact the Moorhead authorities who are detaining the real Santa and who are possibly going to ruin Christmas for everyone on Santa’s Nice List. 

Boys Joining Girl Scouts Just For The Cookies

Come and get them, boys!

New York, NY – With girls now joining Boy Scouts for the challenge, boys are now joining Girl Scouts for the cookies.

Pat Hades, a transexual by birth, and who now is executive director of American Scout Society, believes that this is a win/win for both the Boy Scouts to allow girls who want a path to becoming Eagle Scouts, and for Girl Scouts to allow boys who want to eat more cookies.

A recent survey of boys showed that 100% would join Girl Scouts if allowed to eat as many of the following cookies as possible: S’mores, Caramel deLites, Peanut Butter Patties, Shortbreads, Lemonades, Savannah Smiles, Thanks-A-Lots, Toffee-tastics, and Trios.

The American Scout Society is also adding some new merit badges such as the Kneeling Badge to show respect for the National Anthem and also the Climate Change merit badge to show you believe in Global Warming and Global Cooling (depending on the season).

If you have a son (or transexual) who wants to join the Girl Scouts to eat the cookies, simply write a Letter of Request to:

Girl Scouts of the USA
420 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10018-2798

Some FM Area Businesses Allowing Use Of Cookies As Fungible Barter Tool

Some Fargo-Moorhead businesses accepting cookies as money.

Some FM businesses accepting cookies as money.

Fargo, ND – During the holiday season, some Fargo-Moorhead businesses will be accepting cookies as payment for goods and services for amounts less than $10.

“We here at the R.R.C.C. believe that barter in the form of fungible cookies is alive and well in the FM area,” says Dr. Drake Duckson who is president of the Red River Commerce Commission.

For most local businesses and services that are not part of a national chain, two large home-made cookies equal one dollar. Any other type of cookie would need four for a dollar’s worth of goods and services.

Dr. Duckson: “This allowable form of barter shall be in effect in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area until January 2. After that date, a cookie will just be a cookie.”

Some people are already thinking of using cookies to pay for Uber rides, restaurant tips, and even a drive through the Holiday Lights in Lindenwood Park.

Another creative idea was sent in by Mr. Snarv Barshangler who has even tried using cookies as gratuities for stage dancers at the Northern Gentlemen’s Club.

Merry Cookies from the Red River Commerce Commission! :o^

Last Sane People On Earth Now Starting To Lose Their Minds

Let's just try to "hold it together" for a little longer.

Let’s just try to “hold it together” for a little longer, okay?

Valentine, NE – Up until now, the last two sane people living in this insane world were Charles and Beverly Landstrum from Valentine, Nebraska.

But now, unfortunately, the Landstrums have begun to show signs that they too are starting to “lose it”.

When asked for comment, Beverly stated: “Well, I certainly thought I ordered two sour creams from the milk man but unless there was maybe some sort of problem with our Christmas tree being too short we may want to try out for Wheel Of Fortune.”

Charles then stepped in to clarify: “My mother used to make us fresh cookies every Saturday but I wanted to watch cartoons instead. So, can we watch some cartoons now?”

At this time, top federal investigators are unwilling to classify the Landstrums as crazy until they have had much more time to determine whether or not they fall into the strict federal definition of insane.