Tag Archives: celebration

Apple’s Smart Christmas iTree Is The Best New Thing For The Holidays Since Eggnog

Apple’s new iTree will change Christmas forever.

Apple Valley, CA – It was just a matter of time until Apple introduced their new Christmas iTree.

Now, for your Christmas enjoyment, you can have a smart Christmas tree which, of course, comes with a Siri.

This new hyper-functional iTree will change Christmas as much as eggnog did when it was first poured.

Tell Siri to change the look of your iTree randomly or at set times.

You can ask your new Christmas iTree how many presents are under the tree, provide the current total number of gifts for each person, what’s in each present, how much a present cost and where it was purchased, what is the meaning of Christmas, how many years ago was Jesus born, and what is the current value of Apple stock.

The new Apple iTree will also change the look of its lights, its size and shape, and even rotate to enhance your Christmas pleasure all while playing any Christmas music that you want.

Gather the whole family on the couch and have your new iTree take a picture or video of your Christmas happenings, and then ask Siri to contact relatives to FaceTime with others using their iTree!

There is really no limit to what your new Apple smart Christmas iTree can do except it cannot purchase itself…you will have to do that.

ISIS Family Celebrates Joyous “Death To America” Holiday

article-2417354-1BC1FC32000005DC-108_634x317Al Jalaa, Syria—ISIS families across the Middle-East are set to gather around the tire fire tomorrow evening for their yearly Death To America holiday celebration. Death To America day coincides with the American holiday of Thanksgiving.

Terrorists are excited for this year’s festivities. “ISIS يكره ويريد أن يقتل الأميركيين كل يوم باعتبارها وسيلة للحياة، ولكن مرة واحدة في السنة التقويمية، ونحن نجتمع في وئام والغضب. الموت لأمريكا” (ISIS hates and wants to kill Americans every day as a way of life, but once in a calendar year, we meet in harmony, angry. Death to America), said terrorist Kabal Akhbar-Jalalabad in an interview via Skype. “نشاهد الأخبار الخاصة بك، ونحن نرى البرامج التلفزيونية الخاصة بك. السعادة نحن يحتقر ذلك. الطريقة الأميركية في الحياة يزعج بشدة الله وجميع أولئك الذين يتبعون. الموت للكفار, (We watch your news, we see your TV programs. Happiness: We despise it. American way of life strongly disturbs Allah and all those who follow. Death to the infidels,)” he added, while tonguing his AK-47.

Akhbar-Jalalabad went on to explain that he is taking his family to Chuck Cheeze. After that, they will return home to perform their “Death to Infidels” ceremony where the family sits huddled around the tire fire with each child picking a random family out of a US phone book whom the child wishes death to via a series of heartwarming Islamic incantations.

The ceremony is typically followed by ritualistic slaughter of Sacred Chickens but times are tough, says Akhbar-Jalalabad, so they are without Sacred Chickens this year. “ربما نحن جزار تركيا الثمين بدلا من ذلك، ها ها ها ها ها. الموت لأمريكا. (Maybe we butcher Turkey precious instead, ha ha ha. Death to America.)”