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Nursing Home Residents Shocked When Told They Must Run The Full Fargo Marathon

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These residents are stunned when told that running the full Fargo Marathon is mandatory.

Fargo, ND – You can imagine the surprised shock when one of Fargo’s larger nursing homes told all of its residents that they each must run the full Fargo Marathon.

“Well, it just doesn’t make any sense! How am I supposed to run 26.2 miles at my age?” asked Mable Altenberg, who just recently turned 92 years old.

When we asked the executive directors of this particular nursing home why, they simply responded that the residents need to get out more and that they’ll each be happy about the decision after crossing the finish line.

Fargo Marathon Decides To Not Have One Set Route

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Fargo Marathon begins from the Fargodome.

Fargo, ND – Unlike past years when Fargo Marathon runners had to run a pre-defined, set route to a pre-determined finish line, this year the full marathon runners will be able to run their own routes.

As usual, all runners for the full marathon will begin together from the Fargodome but as soon as they leave the building, they are free to run in any damn direction they want and take whatever route that they decide to run.

Race organizer Troy Aggen explains it all like this:

“It’s a very new concept in marathoning which will eliminate that annoying early-race cloggage and also add an exciting element of creativity for the runners.”

“Just think of it as one of those large pyrotechnical fireworks that goes off into every direction when it explodes.”

“By having every runner’s Fitbit race monitor sending data back to our main race computer, we’ll know exactly how long it took each person to run the 26.2 miles.”

Area Man Sleepwalks Fargo Marathon

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2.sleepwalkingFargo, ND—The annual Fargo Marathon was greeted with an unlikely participant this year as one area man haphazardly decided to not run, not jog, not walk but sleepwalk a portion of the route. Packy Backmelt, an apparent victim of sleepwalking, awoke to cheers as he zombie-walked his way past the finish line this morning. This made the Observer wonder: how did this happen?

Sleepwalkers tend to roam around in a half-conscious-unconscious state, able to manipulate doorknobs and bounce off of walls and house pets. When questioned, Packy had no recollection of the events leading up to his crossing the finish line. What he can confirm is that his house resides on one of the streets that comprised the marathon route. The Observer was forced to investigate.

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Runners were polite enough not to interfere with Packy’s adventure.

What we found out was this: since Backmelt works the graveyard shift, he returned home from work promptly at 6:00am only to be greeted with pooling crowds and road closures. He was forced to park a couple blocks west of his home. The extended walk to his front door made him more disoriented than usual, causing him forget to lock his front door (as he normally does to prevent precisely this type of incident).

A couple hours after falling asleep, Packy rose from the dead and sleepwalked his way outside with relative ease. He wandered onto the street, blending in with marathon runners and other passers-by, bouncing around jauntily only to cross the finish line a half an hour later.

Marathon officials stated that this unsanctioned participant “hilariously snuck his way into the race, unbeknownst to both us and spectators alike” but they will not be charging him with race interference.