Tag Archives: mcdonalds

Fargo Man Enjoys Big Mac That’s Been In His Fridge For 30 Years

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After 30 years, this Big Mac tasted almost as good as the day it was made.

Fargo, ND – Mr. Cambi Gold of rural Fargo recently discovered something in the back of his refrigerator that had apparently been there for 30 years.

To Mr. Gold’s amazement, his 30-year-old Big Mac sandwich looked almost exactly the same as it did three long decades ago.

Since it still looked good enough to eat, Cambi decided to warm it up in his oven and give it a try.

Cambi Gold in his own words: “I was pleasantly surprised to taste that Big Mac flavor that everyone expects when they’re fresh off the McDonald’s grill.”

When we asked Mr. Gold how he remembered when he originally purchased the Big Mac, he said that it was on the very same day he got divorced and this particular Big Mac had mistakenly been ordered for his ex-wife.

Ironically, all of the letters in Cambi Gold can be re-arranged to spell: Old Big Mac!

Area Man Finds Bitcoin In McDonald’s Happy Meal

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If you found one of these in a McDonald’s happy meal, jump up and yell “cowabunga” then try to cash it in on the Darkweb Blockchain. Or, you could wait til bitcoin is worth a few thousand more, then figure it out. Up to you.

Moorhead, MN – Moorhead man Greithan Cutstash considers himself a lucky duck. Now he’s quacking about it.

Lucky enough was Greithan to find what appears to be a genuine bitcoin nestled inside a McDonald’s happy meal he bought for his son, Mance. “Bah gawd, that looks like one a them bit-things I seen about in the news,” he said when he noticed young Mance attempting to feed a large, fancy-looking coin to his dog. Turns out it was, in fact, one of many actual physical bitcoins minted around 2010.

As legend would have it: Some years ago, back when bitcoin was just getting going, McDonald’s tried giving them away in happy meals as a publicity stunt. At that time they were only worth a few cents. When the promotion started, kids were unimpressed to find a useless hunk of metal in with their chicken McNuggets. Parents were equally displeased. Needless to say, the promotion was short-lived and not all those bitcoins were sent out.

Wrick Zapruda. Bitcoin Knower-Abouter.

The zany story continues: A box of two dozen bitcoins was dispatched in happy meals by a Moorhead McDonald’s very recently. How? How could a small town McD’s be sitting on a veritable digital-to-physical crypto gold mine of sorts? Store manager Bilhelm Noisewater, who chose to remain nameless, claims they found themselves digging through storage for trinkets after running out of happy meal Pokemon a few days ago. What did they find? A box of “fake gold coins” encased in plastic. Perfect! Get those shiny nick-nacks into the happy meals before the shipment of Pokemon arrives tomorrow, he said. And out the drive thru window went roughly (at the time of this writing) $200,000.

So check those happy meal toys! If you notice little Timmy playing with a coin that looks like monopoly money, you could be (at the time of this writing) $8,235.01 richer.

McDonald’s To Introduce Two New Sandwiches

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McDonald's new McHorse and McPony sandwiches

McDonald’s new McHorse and McPony sandwiches

Oak Brook, IL – Ronald McDonald is excited to announce the addition of two new meat sandwiches to their international chain restaurant McMenu.

The McDonald’s Corporation will soon be unveiling the McHorse sandwich, for people who are “so hungry they could eat a horse”.

Hungry children will have a chance to pony up with the new McPony sandwich.

The larger McHorse sandwich will cost $3.99 while the smaller McPony sandwich will be marketed on the popular Dollar Menu*.

McDonald’s is trying to take the lead in providing high-quality processed horse meat – an idea they got from the British.

Ronald McDonald claims that their new sandwiches will be at least 50% actual processed horse (or pony) meat and less than 20% crushed bone.

In addition, “attractive and interactive” new McPetting Zoos will be replacing most of the out-dated McPlayLands.

“Kids just don’t like playing on large boring plastic equipment anymore.” says Jonita McJammer, one of Ronald’s many corporate assistants. “But put a live McBunny in their lap, and let the magic begin!”

*The McPony sandwich will also be available in Happy Meals, along with four different McPony toys. Collect all four of them! Their names are: McTibbets, McPerky, McRangler, and McPaco. 

Pantsless, Masturbating McDonald’s Customer, 69, Tried To Force Drive-Thru Worker To Touch Him

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steve clemons

After picking up food from a McDonald’s drive-thru window, a pantsless 69-year-old Florida man allegedly tried to force a female employee to touch him as he masturbated in the front seat of his vehicle, police allege.

 

Steve Orville Clemons was at the drive-thru window of a Wildwood McDonald’s when the cashier “turned to him to give him his change.” At that point, the woman realized that Clemons was sans pants and was pleasuring himself.

Read more here

 

Restaurant review: McDonald’s never fails (to disappoint)

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ronald_mcdonald_jumping1-1Fargo, ND – It all starts as soon as you wake up in the morning. You’ve overslept. You’re running late to work. Now, in order to fill your daily “quota” or keep on task at the office, you have to cut corners. You are forced to shorten your lunch hour. One minute, you have plans to meet a friend at a respectable establishment like Toscana. The next minute, you have to cancel and hit up the McDonald’s drive-thru because you’re pressed for time.

Couldn’t be a worse lunchtime scenario. Gag. Driven by the need for convenience, I begrudgingly head out to my car at 12:35 (a little over a half hour into my lunch hour) and speed off to the nearest McDonald’s. During the entire 1-minute drive my mind is racing frantically, trying to figure out how I got here. How I found myself in this miserable situation.

“Where did I go wrong?? Lack of preparation? Irresponsibility? So much could have been done to prevent this from happening.”

By the time I end up in the drive-thru lane, my mind is in such a state of turmoil that i’m no longer hungry. Frankly, i’m sick to my stomach with disgust. The good news: only 3 cars in front of me, so this should go quick. The bad news: only 3 cars in front of me, so it’s decision-making time. These lines move fast. The last time I was at a McDonald’s there were still leaves on the trees, making the impromptu drive-thru decision that much more difficult.

What’s this? They’ve revamped the dollar menu yet again?? The usual suspects are there (Big Mac, Quarter-Pounder), but my appetite is not. In the back of my head i’ve already predicted the outcome:

“Gotta make this simple. For Christ’s sake, be smart. Don’t over-analyze this. Two double-cheeseburgers and you are outta here.”

By the time i’m at the drive-thru speaker, my heart rate is jacked. I’m sweating. The last thing on my mind at this point is eating McDonald’s fast food, but again, i’m left with no choice. I blurt out my order, pay, and proceed to find my parking spot. I will sit there, alone in my car with tears running down my face, choking back a who-knows-what burger and swallowing my pride in the process.

McDonald’s – ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

McDonald’s Sandwich Lover Awarded $2 Million Settlement

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Pittsburgh, PA – A McDonald’s customer suing the world-famous restaurant chain for damages caused after burning himself on a hot Big Mac has won his case. Ryan Deerfield of Pittsburgh, PA took it upon himself to sue after a piping hot Big Mac burned him while he was enjoying it–but not in the way you and I are picturing. Oh no. Deerfield had taken his love for the Big Mac to a whole new level…

Have you ever heard someone profess their love for a restaurant with such vigor and enthusiasm it made you wonder what sort of drugs they were on? Well, Deerfield made his love of the McDonald’s Big Mac very apparent to store patrons one fine day back in February. According to the lawsuit, Deerfield was under quite a spell that upon ordering the Big Mac, he got so “excited” that he decided to take the sandwich to an enclosed bathroom stall where he proceeded to have “carnal relations” with the food item. Ryan had sex with his Big Mac and the meat grease burned his meat.

Ryan filed suit with the company, citing “gross negligence” for selling a sando that was “too hot to handle” much like the coffee burn victim did many years ago. Damages were awarded to the tune of $2 million dollars and a new disclaimer to be posted on the side of every McDonald’s sandwich wrapper:

“Surgeon General Warning: Sandwich not meant for external application. For internal use only.”

Congratulations, Mr. Deerfield, on being awarded for the disgusting act of sando rape. You are a despicable, deplorable human being. It behooves you to chip off the Observer some of that Big Mac love money, bud. Come on. Hook us up!

Moorhead Police Car

Moorhead Police Arrest McDonalds Drive-Thru Speaker

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Moorhead Police CarMoorhead, MN – Police officers arrested a Moorhead McDonalds drive-thru speaker earlier this morning.  Police reports state the drive-thru speaker was being “confrontational” and “speaking funny” to warrant an arrest.  We got to sit down with the speaker this morning and it had this to say, “Welcome to…<unrecognizable>…fat…<unrecognizable>…order.”  It then went on to say, “Would you like…<unrecognizable>….f…<unrecognizable> off on your fat…<unrecognizable>…face?”  Police officers stated they thought the speaker was disrespecting them and calling them names.  They also believed it was slurring while speaking and could possibly be drunk.  There is such an offense as serving fat ass food while intoxicated The Observer has learned.

All of this could be a simple misunderstanding.  Drive-thru speakers have been known around the world for being complete dickheads.  While the speaker is incarcerated, overweight people will have to actually walk into the store instead of driving their fat ass to the window to order their fat ass food.   How will we continue to live like this?  Walking is overrated.