Tag Archives: recall

This Man Doesn’t Remember Who He Is. Can You Help Identify Him?

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The only thing this man recalls is the word BINGO.

West Fargo, ND – A man came wandering into our FM Observer Corporate Office Park not remembering his name, if he’s married, where he works, where he lives, or the names of any family or friends.

When we asked the man where he had recently been, that too seemed to draw a complete blank.

He did say that the word “Bingo” vaguely was popping up in his mind but was not sure if that’s in reference to the game or possibly a dog.

Perhaps this is a case of stolen identity or a bump on the head, or this man simply got out of the wrong side of his bed…after a super confusing dream.

Most of us have experienced a short period of temporary amnesia which maybe lasts for just a few seconds, and perhaps this man’s amnesia will naturally fade away.

If you happen to know this man, or know anything about him, please pass that information along so that we can hopefully help solve The Case Of The Unknown Man.

GM Now Recalling Every Car Ever Made

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Every GM vehicle made since 1936 is being recalled because they were made by GM.

Every GM vehicle including this 1936 model is being recalled because they were made by GM.

Detroit, MI – What started out as a massive GM recall of only certain makes and models has now mushroomed into the largest recall that we can ever recall in human history.

GM Haiku:
Own a GM car?
If so, it’s being recalled.
We found a problem.

GM has now issued an unprecedented total recall for every car they have ever made, no matter the make, model, or year. The reason: Because they were all made by GM.

Because of so many different problems and reasons, Government Motors finally just decided to officially recall every car it has ever made, including the 1936 Suburban pictured in this article.

This stunning news comes as GM Chief Executive Mary Barra prepared to testify before Congress during the first week of April.

Possible faulty ignition switches sparked the first, original recall. But then after it was determined that its dealers used potentially defective switches to fix recalled vehicles, many more problems were discovered. The faulty switches that were linked to many deaths not only shut off the car but also cause the power steering to go out and cause an electrical outage thus rendering the airbags useless.

GM has now expanded the recall to include every motorized car and truck that has ever come off of a GM production line, no matter the shape, size, or year it was born.

CEO Mary Barra: “Out of an abundance of caution, we are recalling every damn vehicle we’ve ever made. Our customers deserve some peace of mind knowing that GM cars and trucks are not death machines.”

As the granddaughter of the famous Yogi Barra, she also added: “This recall won’t be over until the fat lady sings. The future ain’t what it used to be, until every GM car is safe. If you come to a fork in the road, don’t take it until your car has been fixed.”

FDA Issues Recall of 20 Million Spoiled Rotten Children

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Warning: Spoiled brats hazardous to your health.

Washington, DC – In an unprecedented move, the Food and Drug Administration has issued a recall of what experts are calling the most toxic substance in America: its own spoiled rotten children.  While these whining brats have long been known to cause a variety of symptoms ranging from mild irritation to severe psychosis, emerging science indicates the problem is far more serious than previously thought.

In a statement released to the media, FDA spokesperson, Harold Schwartz said, “This recall is absolutely essential in order to protect the public from the damaging effects of spoiled rotten child exposure.  The soccer mom in Connecticut who had a stroke buying 17 tiaras at Baby Versace was just the tip of the iceberg.  Without drastic intervention, our models predict that human suffering in our country will reach epic proportions by 2020.  The carnage will be devastating, especially in the suburbs.”

Data indicates that spoiled rotten children are now the number one contributing factor in the overall decline of American health.  Noted endocrinologist, Dr. Ewan Meeman, explains, “We estimate that the body’s inflammatory response to such children is 100 times stronger than to a rattlesnake bite.  With regards to toxicity, you’d be better off chugging Drano right out of the bottle than spending five minutes in a room with one of these death traps.”

When asked about how the FDA plans to handle 20 million recalled children, Mr. Schwartz admitted, “Well, the committee that was working to tackle that issue has been, ahem, released from duty.  I’ll be honest, some of the ‘disciplinary procedures’ they came up with were a little unprofessional.  Ok, for real, they were downright disturbing.”

To protect yourself, the FDA recommends avoiding schools, parks, malls, long plane rides and any restaurants that offer childrens’ menus.  In addition, they strongly urge all Americans to refrain from visiting Disney theme parks until further notice.

Corpses Exhumed Due to Salmonella Recall

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Fargo, ND – A complete idiot at the Food and Drug Administration’s Fargo branch mis-typed a recall order yesterday which resulted in dead bodies being exhumed at Riverside Cemetery in South Fargo. The dumbass, having heard of the Nesquik salmonella recall, engaged the recall crew with an emergency bulletin:

::SALMONELLA RECALL. PLEASE REMOVE ALL SALMONELLA::

Crews sprang to action by heading to the nearest cemetery to recall as many salmonella deaths as possible in the time allotted. Graves were dug up and crusty old body parts were flung all over the place during the frantic search. The bumbling FDA grave-robbers didn’t know exactly who they were looking for; only that they were told to recall the salmonella.

This move is being deemed a colossal blunder on the FDA’s part. Loved ones of the dead, having heard of this desecration of their friends’ and relatives’ graves, are expected to file swift legal action.