FM Observer To Sponsor Park Wood Cemetery Renovation

Strategic Brand Placement

Fargo, ND – The north wing of Park Wood Cemetery in Fargo has been in dire need of a facelift for quite some time. Tombs are moldy, crypts are dungy and the rats have colonized a functioning village. This has led the city to seek an overhaul of this historic burial site.

Today, via a no-so-generous grant made to the Graveyard Committee, we are proud to announce that many of this graveyard’s deceased will be eternally housed behind a new moniker!

Personalized tombstones! Choose from one of our many style types. We’ll come up with a catchy epitaph for your loved ones to chuckle at when they come to visit. “Yeah, that Gacky…life really did kill him to death, ha ha. It sure was nice of FM Observer to sponsor his burial. What a terrific satirical news agency they are, ya you betcha.”

Park Wood Cemetery (in association with the Death Task Force) has partnered with brand pioneers FM Observer® for a sponsored renovation agreement.

In exchange for our donation, Park Wood is allowing strategic brand placement in its north wing. After the renovation, you will see our brand and our slogan obscenely adorning gates and stone engravings because we, like many corporations, love to publish our brand in places where it really doesn’t need to be.

In accordance with this deal, FM Observer is allotted numerous personal Brand Actuality Agreements. You can have the FM Observer logo or slogan engraved onto your tombstone, crypt, headstone or mausoleum. And why stop there! We’d be glad to emboss your coffin with a glossy graphic or etch one of our catch phrases into your urn after cremation.

Email us at fmobserver@gmail.com for posthumous sponsorship arrangements.

Fargo, ND – You’ve probably heard of this company called Herbalife before. Either through your friends or your friends’ friends, and not by choice. Herbalife is a multi-level marketing company and pyramid scheme. They sell average, overpriced, nutrition/weight management/skin-care products.

How does it work? To become a cult member you will need to first murder and sacrifice 10 people. Just kidding! You need to sign up under a sponsor. Kind of the same thing. If you’ve been graced with common sense, like myself, this is the first of many where your bullshit meter will go off. A sponsor is someone who has already been accepted into the cult and will do whatever it takes to annoy the shit out of you until you yourself become a herbalife member under them and only under them. The more members they have under themselves the more money they make. Classic MLM bullshit. If you don’t want to become a distributor, then they will spew copious amounts of bullshit out of their mouth as to why you should buy their shitty overpriced products. This is high comedy. They like to pass themselves off as nutritionists or experts on nutrition. This is just great entertainment for the whole family so be sure to seem very interested when these rocks-for-brains start acting like they actually know what the hell they are talking about.

They try and sell you a dream, a lifestyle. More classic MLM and Pyramid scheme bullshit. What they will tell you is that you can make shit loads of money. “If you sign up under me and buy more shit, you’ll be able to buy yourself a yacht filled with pet dinosaurs in no time! It’s that great!” Sorry numbnuts. Come back to me in a year and let me know how well you’re doing and how much money you’re making. Then take me out on your yacht and we can do herbalife things like the people in the picture below. But, more then likely you don’t have a yacht and are still broke because herbalife is taking all your money.

“I do herbalife things from a boat!”

So you’ve murdered and sacrificed 10 people, sold yourself to the devil, finally gave in and signed up under your sponsor. Now what? Now it’s time to annoy the living shit out of everyone you know to either try and get them to buy shit from you or sign up under you. Your mom, dad, sister, aunt, pet hamster, dog, great grandmother who is dead, everyone. It is within your herbalife cult code of conduct to literally try and make everyone hate you. Literally. They probably won’t tell you, but they do. They hate you. After you’ve annoyed the living shit out of enough people, maybe one or two will cave and start buying your crap only because they want you to shut the hell up and don’t want to talk to you until you ‘place your next order.’

Throw parties!

Ok enough. Enough with the herbalife ‘parties.’ It’s not a fucking party. You want me and everyone else to come over and BUY SHIT. “You don’t have to buy anything.” Well no shit. I don’t go to parties to buy shit. I go to parties to do shots, chug 50 beers, and snort cocaine off tits. That’s a god damn party.

You’re not a business owner or an entrepreneur

I keep seeing these cult members mention their ‘herbalife business’ and how they ‘started their own business’. The main purpose of a business is to increase the wealth of its OWNER. Meaning, the actual owner of HERBALIFE (not you) is making a ton of money. You (herbalife cult member) are an employee. A salseperson for the actual business owner. You make the actual business owners money. You are also a customer. That’s right. You’re their number one customer.

You are not a business owner and probably never will be so quit with your bullshit, ok? Start an actual business and we’ll start taking you seriously. Here’s an idea, “Hooker Tit Diner.” A late night diner & drive-in. If you actually start that then I’ll be your herbalife bitch, now and forever.