Tag Archives: world’s oldest man

Fargo’s Dr. Hendassa Calling It Quits After 150 Years Of Service

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“After 150 years of practicing medicine and I am still learning.” –Dr. Frank Hendassa

Fargo, ND – Fargo’s own Dr. Frank Hendassa has decided to finally retire after practicing medicine for 150 years.

Dr. Hendassa opened the original Dakota Clinic out of a covered wagon back in the year 1867, the same year that Nebraska became the 37th state.

This was the year that antiseptic surgery and mouthwash were discovered by Joseph Listerine.

Dr. Hendassa did it all back then, doing surgery, internal medicine, and even delivering babies one whose name was Frank Lloyd Wright.

Later in his career at about the 100 year point back in 1967 Frank decided to specialize in keeping his patients healthy and looking young and fit, which obviously rubbed off on himself.

FM Observer: What are the keys to staying youthful and looking good?

Dr. Hendassa: Frankly speaking, I would say being happily married is key. Also, a shot of booze every afternoon certainly doesn’t hurt. Beyond that, I believe playing a lot of ping pong has really helped me stay young and fit. Ping pong and regular naps. Those are both key to living a long and productive life. Now if you don’t mind, it’s time for my nap.

160-Year-Old Man Shares His Secrets To Longevity

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Sheppy Milton, world’s oldest human and poster child for nanotherapy

News From The Future, March 3, 2116

Austin, TX – Sheppy Milton, the oldest human alive at 160, is terribly reluctant to grant interviews but when he heard that his father and esteemed time traveler Vern Milton made an appearance in our fine publication over 100 years ago, he obliged.

The planet’s oldest man is understandably reclusive. He never answers his doorbell and refuses to acknowledge his worldwide telecommunications interface. We spoke to him via VirtuaSkype from his UltraHouse in Austin, TX.

FMO: So let’s start with the obvious. What is your secret formula for an incredibly long and fruitful existence?

Sheppy: “I’ll tell you, but I must warn you: I’ve heard this question a million times once I turned 120 and as a result, I’ve since mastered every martial art and will kick your ass 40 different ways after this stupid interview is over. Now, to answer your question: Nanotechnology. I was one of the first humans to sell my body to nanotech engineering science. The fine folks at ITT Technical Institute have been injecting me with gene therapy nanobots for nearly 60 years.

FMO: What advantages do you take from enabling microscopic machines to change your cell atoms?

Sheppy: “Very important ones. The nanobots consume and expunge all impurities while simultaneously altering my DNA via a pre-programmed algorithm specific to my genetic code. This technology disables disease and hinders the aging process.”

FMO: Fascinating! What other anti-aging tactics do you employ?

Cryochamber. Every home has one, man.

Cryosleep chamber. Every home has one, man.

Sheppy: “Cryosleep, obviously. Every house nowadays has one, man. This isn’t news! Same shit the astronauts use to travel to Neptune and back. Same shit, except I don’t crank it (the temperature) up as high as they do. I take my nightly nanobot injection, spin up the cryosleep chamber to, oh, roughly 100 below zero and I get in there and preserve for 8 hours. Aging ceases during cryosleep! If you do the math, I’ve added 24 years to my life by cryosleeping every night since the year 2050. The next morning I wake up and pop a limitless pill like everybody else. I’m no different than you.”

FMO: Of all the stuff you’ve seen during your 160 years in America, what do you consider the most amazing?

Sheppy: (without hesitation) “The Kanye West presidency.”

FMO: Do you think you’ll die by natural causes?

Sheppy: “I don’t think so. The technology is so advanced, there’s nothing my body can’t survive. On the contrary, there’s nothing stopping me from getting flattened by a Google SelfBus or being eaten alive by one of the thousands of Ebola-stricken forest zombies Big Government can’t seem to contain. That’s why I stay inside and play Candy Crush Endless Saga all day. No, i’ll live forever unless I were to choke to death on a mouthful of my homegrown genetically-mutated panther jerky. See you in 2216!”